Let the Joy Bells Ring

The news on Friday was not what I had hoped. I will undergo more scans and tests because of the cancer in my chest wall. I sat in St. David's Hospital on Friday and panic washed over me as I listened to the doctor's concerns. So, how should I think? How should I live? Acts 17:26 came to my mind that God has appointed my times and boundaries that I should reach out for Him and grope in the darkness and find Him. The verse says HE is closer than we all know.

I am in the midst of several trials right now. So is Bob and Britt---that's our whole household. Sometimes, it just happens that way. It's my birthday today and I sit and reflect this morning on another year. It's been hard. I just read this quote in Crabb's book Real Church: "It's hard to set the panic aside; to move through the pain; to delay gratification; to live feeling empty, worthless, betrayed, and to ask: Okay, what's the big picture here? What kind of person do I want to be for my kids, for my friends, for me, for my God in the middle of this mess? What kind of values do I want to uphold? What matters the most at any cost to me? What is my life really all about right now and what fire is still burning in me that can keep me moving toward something truly good?" Yes!

Yes, I am struggling lots and sometimes struggling better in some moments than others. I'm kind of a mess right now. But I am a glorious mess! And, with tears streaming down my face, I can say there is a fire burning within me that no circumstance, no trial can put out. "There is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones and I am weary with holding it in and I cannot." Jer. 20:9. And for that, I praise Him! He is the fire that burns within you and me. I'm so grateful on this day for the ways God has used each of you in my life to stir up such good things inside of me. So grateful on this birth day for a beautiful God Who keeps showing up and stirring me up.

There was another quote in the book that jumped out at me as I read: "Every good thing you used to cling to, you come to see what it is in reality: a mere drop of pleasure in an ocean of joy, a drop you can lose without really losing anything." So, as I let go of some things even on this birth day---things like unfulfilled desires and expectations, I hear some incredible joy bells ringing in my heart. I don't want to spend another day, another year clinging to worthless stuff! Jonah 2:8. Let the joy bells ring! I'm dancing on an ocean floor of joy.

God Showed Up at the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure

Locked out of my own car! Actually, it's the mechanics fixxer-upper car I was locked out of---our Pathfinder is still in the shop since June 17th---ha! I saw the car keys on the seat as I swung the door shut! Waiting 2 hours on the curb of the Hyde Park Post Office for Mr. Pop-A-Lock...and a friend calls to tell me a quote: Hmmmm. I found a piece of paper and a pen on the ground and jotted the Crabb quote down: "Life gets steeper so that strength must increase as weakness intensifies."

I have been struggling over here with my health on these new cancer meds. I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Working full-time and totally exhausted. That's why I haven't been online---just can't do it right now. But, I think that I am struggling well not wanting to improve my life but to invite the beautiful God I so adore into my mess and invest in what lasts forever. It has been a very difficult two months in so many ways. More trials than usual. I thought if only I could get through the 36 radiation treatments this summer, I'd be okay. But, no, Acts 14:22 says it is necessary that we encounter a few troubles on the way into the Kingdom. And we never know when those troubles may come.

My health decline as well as my circumstances have only exacerbated the mess in my own heart. I have been fainting again in the middle of the night. Low blood pressure that sinks way too low. It only lasts a second or two but the experience is horrific as I lose control of my body and even have a tiny bit of paralysis where I cannot talk or think straight. I'm always able to fall right back asleep but it is such a scary thing to go through. It has been happening about every other night. God is giving me courage. I did the Susan G. Komen Race---20,000 runners. I ran smack into one of my oncologists who ran a mile with me and gave me unbelievable counsel as to what was going on. It was as though God was standing right there reaching out to me! Acts 17:26---HE has appointed our times and boundaries so we will seek Him and reach out to HIM and find Him. And I am! And it doesn't get any better than that!

Here's where it gets exciting. I'm entering a rest I have never known before. There's an unlocked door in my heart that my Defender, my Savior, my good God is inviting me into. HE is the Doorkeeper. HE is the one engineering everything. And we are on our way into the Kingdom!

I cannot thank you enough for all of your texts, notes, comments and calls, lately. They have meant a lot to me at a time where I have not been able to respond back because of several health issues. I had a bone scan this week because I have continued to bruise easily. A minor accident turned major.

This coming Friday begins my first three-day examination since being diagnosed with cancer. I'll know by Friday at 5:00pm if the cancer is still there. After my third surgery, cancer was still present and the plan was to attack it with radiation. We'll see if that plan worked. If you think about me on Friday, please pray for Peace from a good God Whom I so trust. John 16:33---in ME, you will have Peace, not in the escape or solution of our issues. I think I am doing well in the midst of some hard times over here. I don't know. I just know that a very good God keeps showing up at Post Office curbs and Komen 10K races and at a tiny apartment on the southside of town. Looking up! So grateful for your friendship! My Love to each of you!

Do Not Pass Me By...

About the moment I jogged up the steps of the Foot Bridge over the Colorado River, a hymn came on my Ipod that I had never heard before. "Do Not Pass Me By." I stopped at a familiar rail overlooking the still south span of the river. My tears spilled into the reservoir and I looked to see if they made a mark. No, not at all from 30 feet up. I knelt by my rail on that 20-foot wide walking bridge. No one even noticed. To my left sat a homeless guy, torn and tumultuous. To my right sat a pristine pony-tailed lady with tiny twin terriers in dog clothing. Some of my tears were for them both.

But most of my tears this morning had to do with those unfamiliar words in my ears. "While on others, You are smiling, do not pass me by." And I cried out to the beautiful God I so adore that HE would not pass me by. I want to end my life well and not miss the grace of God. I think a lot about Jonah 2:8---the guy in the whale who was not FRANTIC or FRENETIC but He was crying out to his good God, in the midst of guts and gore inside a LARGE animal's stomach, that he would not forfeit the grace of God for worthless stuff, idols. And Jonah never knew if he would even ever hold another worthless thing in his hand again. God draws me in through Jonah's words. As I am caught in the midst of life's circumstances, am I missing a larger Story? What am I alive to this morning?

You see, I think it is terribly easy for us all to get lost in our circumstances of life. He knows. I started new meds for cancer treatment on the day I returned from The Cove. Letrozole has affected my body with a whirlwind of symptoms, exhausting me to where I have had to pull back again, physically. It's why I haven't posted. I can't quite catch up since I've finished radiation.

I came back from one of the most stirring conferences for me at The Cove. Came back to live broken not better before a beautiful good God. Is my deepest desire to hurt less or to live in brokenness? But I'm back to a life where things break down, like my car. Still working on a home for Macy---she's extended her stay at The Hill's. I so want her with me but financial priorities prevent it. Let the dog go, Bev! Our car has been in the shop to repair the transmission since June 17th---that's awful long. My son and I share a car with no a/c. It's been hot in Texas! And now I have a cyst on my right hand and the cancer treatments/meds have caused it damage---it's infected and hurts when I move my hand. So, what is God doing in my life? What is stirring inside of me? What is most alive?

C.S. Lewis wrote that the sweetest experience God gives us in this life is our desire for Him. A desire for God seems so alive in me even in the midst of all my mess. My struggles with circumstances reveal such a spirit of entitlement in me. Can I have break please?

I think some of the tears spilled into the Colorado River because I'm wrestling with fleshly desires. My battle is with my flesh and wanting to rise above my circumstances. But there's a deeper battle always going on. More than just wanting to be visible. More than wanting "a place in the sun, a place in our world." More than wanting to get ahead in life. The real battle that Ephesians 6 talks about is how our struggle is not against flesh and blood. It's not against our circumstances, our boss, our friend who ignites us. We are contending against world rulers of this present darkness. I am reading Buechner's The Magnificent Defeat and he writes about the battle: "to become at peace inside our skins, to become human. To be set free from our darkness. A darkness we never fully see nor fully understand nor feel fully responsible for---heaven knows we are responsible."

So what is my beautiful God doing in the chores of my life? I'm not sure, but this I know. God is bringing a little tiny ray of Light into my darkness. And HE has used so many of you to stir me up. Just like in Gen 1:3 where the Spirit of God was moving---Buechner says the word in the Hebrew means "brood"--- hovering over my darkness, "brooding" over my darkness---like a bird "brooding" over its nest til new life stirs beneath the sheltering wings. I don't know what's happening but I do know this. God is so moving in my mess of it all and stirring up new life in me as I go through some tough times. Do not pass me by, my good God. And if I think You are smiling on others and not on me, help me repent and respond to what you are doing in me. Sweet release not relief. The speaker at The Cove put it this way: "Love never allows more suffering unless to achieve the well-being of the beloved." YOU, O God, are brooding over my darkness til I become a little more alive.

A Little Light in My Darkness - Psalm 18:28

My 3 radiation therapists rushed into the radiation room today and said: "It's over, Bev. Look up." Made me think of raising my eyes to the mountains from where my Help comes from. Psalm 121:1 From the skylight, colored confetti fell all over me. My therapist, Sarah, said: "You're a strong woman, Bev." All I could respond was that I was probably one of the weakest patients they had. "I live out a theology of weakness, Sarah. When I am weak, He is strong---if you see any strength in me, it's because of God." You see, Sarah saw me cry every single time I went into the machine and every time I came out for 34 times. That is, until this Tuesday...

On Monday, it was the most terrifying experience I have had yet ... the sounds shook me deeply. But, I lay still and embraced my loss, listening and longing for my beautiful God. I had burned over the reprieve of the weekend and Monday meant more burns. But, it was the sounds of the machine on that moody Monday that gripped me in terror. I asked Him do His perfect work while I lay still. Only God could help me keep still and keep from running away. When I'm tempted, I want to self-destruct and beat myself up for sinning, then go serve and do something really nice. That's called a theology of "good works." Doesn't work. God promised me Gen 15:1 in going through those rads, that HE is my Shield. Sometimes, I think I sound kind of mystical but I have found great comfort knowing that my Good God is shielding me from all harm, even cancer.

I went to my Breast Cancer Support Group on Monday at noon. Something happened to me in that meeting. Can't explain it. Merry shared that God had given her Jeremiah 17:14 for us. "Heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. And I will praise you." The verses stirred my faith so, strengthened me so. And here comes a miracle...I came home to start on my daily regimen of 4 meds but the burns were healing and reversing. Tuesday, when I went into the machine, there was no temptation to be afraid any more. Something was way so different. It happened again Wednesday and Thursday. I listened to "My Tribute" on my Ipod for this very last day. No fear. No terror. To God Be the Glory for everything HE has done for me in these 38 treatments. HE has peeled back layers of skin and a heart not trusting Him to keep me safe. 2 Chron 32:22 "God is taking care of me on every side. He is watching my back." "He made my valleys full of water." 2Kings 3:16. Little by Little. Exo 23:30.

On the day we moved to Austin last year, I wrote in my journal that God spoke to me through 3 verses. I read that journal entry this a.m. as I finished radiation. Here were the 3 verses: Rev 2:10 --- "Don't be afraid for what you are about to suffer." Rev. 2:10. Oh my! The next one said: "Go to Austin. Not knowing what will happen to you there, but go to finish your race and testify of my Grace." Acts 20. Oh my! And the 3rd verse penned by my hand: "Powerless. But my eyes are on you!" 2 Chron 20:12. And that verse became the constant theme of these past five months. "When we don't know what to do, our eyes are on you." The teachers inscribed the verse on a necklace for me.

It was the "prayers of many" that got me through these past 5 months. 2Cor 1:11. I am overwhelmed that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know, have never met. I am so indebted to each of you for your comments, your character, your compassion that has so stirred my faith. You've let me borrow some of your faith. Some of you have reached deeply into the pockets of your heart and given to us in abundance. And you have prayed and moved the Hands of God for me. I can't thank you enough!

The hospital and doctor bills have mounted and we are trying to stretch every dollar. Bob wants me to "let go" of my dog, Macy, cause we'd have to pay to keep her in our apartment. She had been living with Barrett in Fort Worth. We brought her here to Austin when Barrett went to France to compete over the summer. Lindsay has been "dog sitting" and we owe her big time. But, alas, the time has come and I need to give Macy to a good home. She has been with us for 8 years. I'd love it if someone in Austin could take her, so I can have visiting rights. We just came back from walking her tonight under a full moon. She's such a loving dog, as far as dogs go. You can have a "trial" run at your home---give her back, if she is not a fit. E-mail me at: sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net if you know of a good home. A really good home for my sweet border collie!

Radiation is over. I'm exhausted but I actually feel pretty good. I start aromatase inhibitors next week. Femara for 5 years to kill all the estrogen in my body. So grateful to a very good God that this radiation chapter is closed forever. Cancer is frightening, but I would do it all over again because of what it did for me, detaching me from dependence on things, on this world. I hope I don't have to travel it again. God never intended for me to be attached to anything but Him. Not ambition. Not success. Not approval. Not anything nor any focus on this world. "We were made for another world." Suffering has brought me to a different place in my heart and I hope I stay there and not go back to what?? When we've seen Divine Love, how can we go back, but yet we all wallow back at times. Falling forward though. The Spirit of God has disrupted my life and enticed me so! There is no other good but Him. He is our Final Good. He knows my cancer cells that remain, my DNA--- and He has changed it a bit---to know Him more and be like Him.

There's a little light in my darkness tonight. When we drove away from Fort Worth one year ago, there was a rainbow arching over Cowtown. It appeared again tonight at the Quarries in Austin, as I sat and watched my son's first football game. #19. So grateful to God for only He could have brought me through radiation. Psalm 18:28 God has illuminated my darkness. I so want to keep on listening for His Voice --- not to solve my many problems or make them go away, but to know Him better. I'm off to The Cove in North Carolina for a week. Sorry this is SO LONG! Pray for me at The Cove: 2 Kings 6:17 that God would open my eyes to see what He is up to in my life and be caught up in advancing His Kingdom! Love to you all very much!

God will wipe away our tears & the sweat of our brow

I just read the 19 comments from my last post all at once and am sitting here weeping, literally. I so wrestle with my weaknesses and see places in my heart that I think maybe the Gospel has not touched (that's a Paula Rinehart quote). I so long for Him and see how far I am sometimes. Then, even as I sit here, I see places in my heart where He has so shown up for me. I couldn't be any more grateful this night for what HE has done in my heart during these past six weeks of radiation. My Good God is making me a little less demanding, a little more dependent, a little less detached from anything for my Source other than Him. One more week of radiation to go.

I thought radiation would get easier as I adjusted. And I feel a pressure that if I was really walking with God, it would be better. Well, I am walking with God---He has me in tight places. My God is abundantly available in very tight places! Psalm 46:1-3. This past week was the hardest yet, partly because they upped the dosage of radiation for the end, since my margins were not clear and cancer remained in my chest wall. Sometimes I am exhausted to the point of collapsing. But the sheer terror inside of the machine is what gets to me. And the sheer terror of encountering a beautiful God is so there every single day. I have cried more tears this week than any other. This morning, Bob preached and he shared a quote from the Willow Creek Conference that he and Brooke attended this week. It went like this..."God will wipe away our tears and the sweat of our brow at the same time." A tender thought to me. Jesus sweat drops of blood to resist temptation---something we all know not.

I've been trying to remember all day what song we sang in church this morning that made me so want to worship Him. As I sat to write this post, the song just came on my Ipod (out of about 300 songs) and I didn't even know it was on there. God keeps doing that! "Open up the skies, fall down like rain. We don't want blessings. We want YOU." I sang it from the depths of my heart this morning and again tonight. I have so been touched by Divine Love in that radiation machine for 33 times, I can't explain it. "Here we go, let's go the Throne. To the place where we belong. Right into His Arms." All I can say is that He has so carried me through these six weeks in His Arms. And I pray that He will fall on me this week, fall down like rain, so I can finish what seems impossible to me.

If I finish on Friday, I will leave on Monday to go to The Cove in North Carolina for a conference. It's been in the plans for 3 years, Lord willing, and I don't know if I can make it. I'm burned from the higher dosages. But, I'm asking! I cannot thank you all enough for praying for me. I keep hearing about people I don't even know who are praying for me and that touches me so deeply. I've thought about the Good Samaritan in Luke 10 a lot lately. You've bound my wounds, you've poured your words and love on me, you've taken me into your heart, you've paid for things for me, you've taken care of me. And some of you have never laid eyes on me. Jesus asked the lawyer in the story, "Who proved to be a neighbor?" It's you!

My sweet girl Brooke is sitting two feet away from me as I type. It's been such a precious 2 weeks with her here. She has so helped me---cleaning out my closets, driving me everywhere, doing daily loads of clothes and dishes and stuff for her mommy. But more than that, she has made me laugh in the midst of my tears. She leaves in the morning for her stateside missionary assignment in Arlington, Texas. Brooke will be serving on the staff of a college ministry, mobilizing college students to do mission work. She'll be close this year and that makes this mom pretty happy. The IMB will provide her needs, except that she does need to find her own car for the year. I think we should say that God needs to find her a car! If you know of anyone who would like to donate a car to a non-profit or loan one out for a year, let us know. That's a big request---out of our reach! May Brookie bring these students the Word as it is in her heart! My prayer for my sweet girl: Joshua 14:7.

And it is my prayer for each of you this beautiful night. May you bring the Living Word to many, as it is on your heart!

Let the weak say, I am a warrior

Brooke is back. So grateful to our good God for giving her the best three years in Chiang-Mai Thailand. Jamie introduced Brooke to a world far away and a great God Who was so present for her there. Brooke sacrificed much to go, but received way more! And she left a big part of her heart there. Being with her this weekend has brought me great joy, way down deep. She's a Texan once again. My girl's back!

I thought Thursday was the worst radiation treatment ever but, no, Friday afternoon was indescribably horrific for me. I cry even writing this. I want to pretend nothing anymore. I panicked while in the machine and I don't know why. But I knew if I screamed, I would have to start over again. And if I moved, the radiation beam would radiate the wrong place. I lay silently still suffering. Maybe it's my own fault. All I know is this. God continues to expose areas in my heart and what is really happening inside of me as I lay it down before HIM to Whom we all give account.

I fear that moments like that is intolerable, simply overpowering. And I can't put it back together again either. Only the Great Physician can hold me together and sew me back with his surgery knife in His Hand. He can repair me and empower me to move back into my world, even powerless, to face and embrace what is happening inside of me as I lay still. One day, there will be no more tears. But this day, there are many.

But more than that physical stillness, as I lay still in my heart, I realize that nothing I can do will help me to recover the good life like it was in the Garden of Eden. I feel how desperately I long for God to let me find Him on that radiation table. And with a longing beyond words like in Romans 8:26, we all groan for Him. In that moment, I was afraid to look up for I wanted Him to leave me alone and make the panic stop but at the same second, I hoped against hope that HE would move and have mercy on me. It was a terrifying beyond imagination few minutes.

The therapists are aware when I'm really struggling as they see the tears spilling out of tightly closed eyes as they watch me on their video cam on the other side of the two-foot thick door. They bolted in to grab me and watch me sob. Paula kept saying over and over---"What can I do for you?" Nothing. And it's over...and a peace came over me as I exited the Friday afternoon machine that I can't explain. Always does, the minute I am out of it. The frantic pressure to handle a panic attack is relieved for I can't even do that--- and I am reduced to wanting my God more than ever whether in the machine or out---there is such Hope within me.

And my God began to speak to my heart. He spoke to me through the story of Gideon. Gideon was reduced to panic and fear yet God called him out of it. Brooke saw her mom's tears and looked with such compassion as we walked out. The battery was dead in our borrowed car so we had to wait a while for a "jump" and it was really okay. My car has been in the shop for 5 weeks now---can't seem to fix it. It's okay. God is doing a deep work in my life.

I read and re-read this weekend the story of Gideon in Judges 6: 12-24. "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valour." And God said those words to a fearful, hiding Gideon, working hard to gather up food, and make his life bearable. Gideon's response is priceless for our day: If God is with with us, then why is all this stuff happening to me? We measure a good life by what? If everything is going smoothly and our family cooperating with God and our success in our ministry? "Peace be with you Gideon, do not fear." My peace comes from God not from the resolution of my problems. I have a tingling passion of anticipation that I will find Him again this week at 8:40am. He's a good God and I'm learning so much about myself and life. Still scared but surrendered. If you think about me at 8:40am---I have 3 more weeks to go in the machine. 4 weeks down. Joel 3:10 - "Let the weak say, I am a warrior." I'm in a battle and I won't give up. Be still and know that I am God!

My Brookie Flies Over the Ocean

Bring Back my Brookie to me...
Brooke arrives in about 10 hours from Chiang-Mai, Thailand. I'll be in the radiation machine when her sweet "old" college roommates pick her up at the Austin airport tomorrow morning. She's home for good, Lord willing. She spent the past three years of her life bringing good news and binding up the brokenhearted in a land that was foreign to her. Isaiah 61:1. Thailand became like home to her and she so loved those people.

Today marked the halfway mark for my radiation treatments. Being in the radiation machine today was another new startling experience for me. All I can say is that it was the hardest one yet. Wonder why. Is the absence of temptation victory? Is the absence of conquering my fear in the machine defeat? Hardly so. I must not measure maturity by performance. It's not when I get comfortable doing something so unnatural to us all. Because my beautiful God is doing such a good work in me as I wrestle with the question of whether I am "safe." Providential suffering is a paved pathway to a Person who safely holds us together. Col 1:17. That's it. Those Unseen Eyes are watching our every thought and tear... and holding us.

While Bob was in ICU last week, I received a document of foreclosure on our home in Fort Worth. Quite unexpected. Our mortgage was paid up and we had applied for a loan to pay our taxes when I was diagnosed with cancer April 1st. The loan was approved and we even made our first payment. Yet, the house was foreclosed. A computer glitch, they said. So, cancel the foreclosure! Crazy! Seems like the enemy of our soul wants to discourage us. But we look to Him Who is Unseen. This is not about how strong I am to do this either. We cry to Him and He bends His Ear right down to me. He's listening. He sees it all. He's working on our behalf.

Our outer self is wasting away every day, but our inner self is being renewed day by day by day. For our light momentary afflictions are preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the Things that are Unseen. 2 Cor 4:16. Somehow, in that radiation machine, I have to believe that there is much more going on in that Room than the unpredictable methodical clicking of that terrifying ton of a machine.

I don't know how I can endure 19 more treatments. All I know is the One Who promises to be there for me. And HE has to this day. People say you are a survivor if you pass a certain point. The word "survivor" means statistics to me. I've been thinking about Romans 8:37 that we are more than "conquerors" through Christ Who loves us so. I think every day that we live for HIM, we are more than a conqueror. And my Christ will help me go through the second half of this. "He helps us in our weakness..." Rom 8:26.

So, as I hit the halfway mark, I just want to say to each of you that read this blog that I am so grateful that God has brought you alongside of us to walk with us through this. I couldn't do it alone. From my brand new friend, Rose, to my lifelong friend Mindy, you all have touched deep places in my heart. Your words have given me hope. Your actions have given me love! Your friendship has given me courage! I cannot thank you enough!

Be Still...what do I need to "let go" of?

Bob was released from ICU tonight and is home resting well. After undergoing two days of tests in the critical care unit, all of his heart structures are in very good shape. While they are not sure what caused him to faint at the wheel, the diagnosis remains bradycardia---slow heart rate. Not that uncommon for athletes to have a really low heart rate. We are so grateful to God for His evident Hand on Bob during the accident.

Bob will wear a heart monitor throughout this weekend. He has recovered well from the surgical procedure he had this afternoon, an electrophysiological study. They couldn't sedate him cause he had just eaten so he thinks he was privileged to watch the Electrophysiologist do the cauterization procedure up us legs into his heart---ask him about it. Oh my. Not me!

And I just have to add that it looked completely impossible for me to do two radiation treatments today to stay on course. Some complications with my skin had come up. My oncologist is closed tomorrow. But I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of God this afternoon. God physically strengthened my weary body as I walked into the radiation oncologist's office again at 3pm to submit to the machine. A verse that meant much to me these 2 days was Exodus 14:14 that God will fight our battles, we just need to keep still. And the word "still" in the Hebrew meant to surrender, to let go---and know that He is God in the midst of our circumstances. Be still and know that I am God - Psalm 46:10.

Psalm147:10-11 God's delight is not in the legs of a man but the LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His Unfailing Love, no matter what He sends our way. It has been an emotional two days for me and I have been spent in doing radiation and watching my husband in ICU. You know, our suffering is not a curse, but more like a mission to "let go" and honor a God Who has allowed things providentially and always for our good. We have to wrestle with Him until He changes our name. None of us want to suffer. Jesus asked for the cup to pass from Him. But, He also embraced his suffering and walked in it where His Heart brought Him to empty Himself. God is emptying us from things we've held onto that we need to "let go." Detaching us from dependence on anything that brings us Joy but HIM, even our health.

It's 8:30pm and we are on our way to bed. Good night sweet friends. HE has our attention. HE has our hearts. We don't have a definitive answer what went wrong. But we are seeing with eyes wide open precious ways to value learning to love more than resolution of our pain. Our problems are a pathway to our beautiful God. The back of the door of the wardrobe in Narnia opens and offers a journey to come alive in ways we know not.

God leads us into desert places and speaks tenderly there if we listen. Hosea 2:14. HE makes the valley of suffering, a Door of Hope. And it is our privilege to walk alongside of you and embrace those open doors of suffering and joy--- blindly & boldly and with fear & faith. Do I want to learn better to love my husband and my children and my world more than I want the pain to go away? Wondering what it looks like in our lives to open our hearts wider to love.

Our Sincere Gratitude for your Prayers and Love! Overwhelmed in Austin with His Kindness!

please pray for my husband

My husband passed out this morning for a few minutes while he was driving my son Britt's Scout. He ran off the road and God really protected him. The paramedics took him by ambulance to the hospital and the ambulance broke down on the way to the hospital---they had to get another one. Oh! They took him to St. David's and he has been in ICU all afternoon. They just moved him to ICU to monitor his heart rate which has been in the 40's. Thank you so much for praying! Bev

A Billboard in China

A friend of Barrett's was visiting China and looked up and saw this billboard and e-mailed it to Barrett who had no idea he was on a billboard---he raced in China and Korea recently. He did Treasure Island this weekend and I think he did great---he's off to compete for France in three races, France's Grand Prix or something like that. It will be very surreal if Brooke sees her brother on a billboard in China. Brooke is in China---on her way back home to the States. Can't wait to see my girl again! Really!Here is a different billboard where you can see the writing a little more. Can anyone read Chines---what does it say? Did you read about the family whose Christmas card ended up as advertisement on a billboard in Prague?

Tomorrow, Monday morning, I have 2 radiation treatments. 8:40am and 3:10pm. Oh dear me. I am taking life moment by moment. And may I be more concerned about my unholiness than about my pain! There is something that happens to my body every time I go into that radiation machine. My mind is clear and I know that it will not collapse on me nor stab me nor snatch me. My body remembers what my mind does not. Brings me back to my rape. I was unconscious for over 24 hours from alcohol poisoning but was with 4 teen boys for those 24 hours. They laid me unconscious at my family's doorstep the next day and ran. Pretty horrific.

But there is a Great Physician Who is in that room with me continuing a surgery on my heart as I live in the present moment and deal with what is in my heart. And it has caught me off guard how radiation treatments make me want to give my life and energy and passion to pursuing God's purposes and watching out for the contrary agendas within me. And repent. LORD have mercy on me in that thing. God doesn't always give and guarantee us instant comfort but HE never means anything we go through except for my good. I was reading this afternoon: "Our agenda is to fix the world until it can properly take care of us. God's agenda is to bring all things together in Christ until every knee bows before Him." The book went on to say how people equate peace with pleasant circumstances. "God's peace belongs to those who have confidence in His Goodness even when life is tough and their self-esteem is low." "Whenever we place a higher priority on solving our problems than on pursuing God, we are immoral."

Before one of my radiation treatments last week, God placed on my heart to find a homeless person and give them something that day. I usually avoid them---thinking they need to find a job. They are prolific in Austin and the city takes care of them---boggles my mind. I also think they may pull me out of my car. I shared with a clean-cut attractive lady sitting next to me at my radiation oncologist's office that morning that I had been terrified to go in for my radiation treatment that day, but God had given me 2Cor 1:9 that I must rely not on myself and how strong I am but on God Who raises the dead. She began weeping uncontrollably and said that was what her pastor preached on last Sunday and she was struggling immensely because she was a homeless person, living in her car, for the past year---even though she had a full-time job. We talked for about an hour. God's Agenda: every knee shall bow before Him. This is not about solving all our problems but pursuing our beautiful God in the midst. He's good!

8:40 AM - Safe in The Shadow

Groping for the light switch in the radiation prep room, I decided to pull the string. It was a shrieking strobe alarm that blasted into the darkness. Doctors and nurses came running. Week #2 started off with a stir. Tackling cancer diagnosis and treatments sometimes makes you feel like a junior college transfer student heading to an ivy league school.

I met with my radiation oncologist today to discuss the radiation treatments. I trust this guy with my life---I trust my God with my life. My radiation oncologist said to me that not having a 4th surgery was risky and he was going to make up for it by adding additional radiation treatments. He was stuck between the opinions of my other oncologists. "Caught in the middle." "Risky" was not the word I was hoping to hear today. You realize, in the still of the night, that we are all in His Hands.

Every morning, I jog about a mile or two or three around 6:30am and ask God what He is saying to me in all of this. He is "emptying spaces in my heart that I have filled up with myself" and other stuff. Detaching me from dependence on any source of Joy other than Him. Walking into the Radiation Room is a good thing for me to face. Embrace the suffering of cancer. It's not about finding relief from this Providential suffering. It's all about finding God in the midst. He is so showing up for me. Not because I am so strong. Quite the contrary. My body quakes when they put me through the treatment. I walk in to face this machine sobbing and walk out sobbing even harder. Then it's over for the day. Sometimes 8:40AM passes faster than others---not Wednesdays though. They need a new X-ray every Wednesday. I panicked about half way through this morning yet God so helped me push through. That's all I can say. "Be my Shepherd, carry me forever." Psalm 28:9. He is carrying me through this.

Every evening, I ask my beautiful God to give me His Word to face a new day. Not to claim a verse so everything will be okay... but to meet my God there, the Living Word. I don't want to use HIM to give me power and strength and victory and go on my way. I want to fall forward and find a rest, a peace in these circumstances that doesn't come from relief but relationship.

I read 2 Cor 1:9 where Paul talked about how he despaired of his life because of all the circumstances that happened to him. But Paul wrote that his experiences made him rely not on himself and how strong and positive he could be. What happened to him made him depend on a God Who raises the dead. That verse so spoke to me. What does it look like to depend on God's strength and not my own? Does it mean you just keep your mouth shut? Does it mean the absence of temptation? Does it mean I'll walk without fear? Does it mean I will find relief in all my problems? I don't think it means any of that. Not if I am living in the present moment and facing what is really in my heart. "Though the mountains shake and the hills be removed, My Unfailing Love will not be shaken. My Covenant of Peace to you will not be removed," says the God we so love and adore. The God Who has compassion on me and you.

I am finding a peace I know not. A rest I've not entered before. Small seismic shifts. A little more solid while a lot of chaos as traumas of my past enter my heart and overwhelm me in that machine where I am all alone behind massive sealed doors. But no, I'm never alone. I knew there was no one in the waiting room praying for me today, no one waiting for me. My car was broken and I had to be dropped off so my son could get to where he needed to be. God used that expereince to draw me closer. I had set up to listen to Paul Baloche during the treatment, but instead Darlene Zsech came on singing "He Has Made Me Glad." My Shield. My Strength. My Portion. My Deliverer. My Shelter. Strong Tower. A Very Present Help in Time of Need.

8:40AM Monday through Fridays. I am in a machine that I want to welcome as my friend where I face my fears and embrace the Providential suffering that my God is using to wake me up. 6 down and 31 to go and that makes me quiver---how will I make it? But it's a place where I am hidden in that Radiation Room and covered by His Hand. And I don't know how. But He is giving me courage to live my life truthfully and deal with my feelings of failure rising up. "I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the shadow of My Hand." Isaiah 51;16.
If you remember around 8:40AM any day of the week, would you say a prayer for me that God keeps me safe in that Shadow. Love to each of you! Bev

Written at: 4:05:06 on 07.08.09

8:40am and 4:20pm ................................. A Double Dose of The Door

I walked a mile under sultry thunderclouds before my first day of radiation this morning. Listened over and over to Mercy Me's "Bring The Rain." Bring me Joy. Bring me Peace. Bring the chance to be Free. Bring me anything that brings you Glory. I know there will be days when life brings me pain and if that's what it takes: Jesus bring the Rain. And rain it did all over Austin and all over this little girl's heart as I faced my fears and traumas of days gone by and walked into that Radiation Room this morning. First, I had to have another CT Scan---you are kidding, right? I jumped on that CT scan table and said: "Let's embrace this fear and believe me---this is not about how strong I am."

As I passed the 2-foot walled Door to walk into the Radiation Room, I did sense the Presence of my very good God and his holiness. The Door freaked me out as it shut behind me. Alone. There is a sense that we walk alone with our God. He was there! It took about 15 minutes to take the x-rays and do the first radiation---- that seemed like an hour. The tech said "Close your eyes, really tight." My reply: "I'm even scared of the dark."

All I can say is that God has brought me to this place and He was good to me today even in my terror. I never dreamed I could even look at the 2-foot door but I actually patted it on the way out and said: "You have no power over me to wall me in." This experience is my new friend, James 1:3, and I count it joy to face this trial and ask my beautiful God to free me up in these fears that have gripped my life. No more! May I want His Glory more than my own comfort and sanity.

God was so good to me today. I sobbed as two techs rushed in to rescue me. I had already been rescued and was safe in His Hands. I'll have to take Radiation one day at a time. Tomorrow, July 2nd, is my son's birthday and I will choose to have two radiation treatments 8:40am and 4:20pm since they will be closed on Friday. I could have done just one. No, I will push through this and trust Him! I tried to go to a church staff luncheon after radiation this morning, and made it almost through. I turned to my husband and said: "you have to bring me home right now." I was so exhausted! And I went to sleep around 1pm and slept so sweetly for 4 hours. I cannot thank you enough for praying for me. This was one of the hardest days for me!

Happy Birthday to my precious boy, Britt. He will turn 18 tomorrow, July 2nd. He's at CONA this week, The Conference on National Affairs, with YMCA Youth & Government in Black Mountain, North Carolina having the time of his life. His proposal on Title IX Reform made it to 2nd committee. Woohoo!

Eighteen years ago, I lost three babies in one year. Two were ectopic pregnancies. The doctors said we could never get pregnant again after 7 years of infertility. The next month I became pregnant, my 4th pregnancy in one year, and it was another ectopic pregnancy. I begged the doctors to wait before they took this one. Had to stay close to a hospital cause you can literally bleed to death if they rupture. My friend, Kellie, asked me at our kindergarten class party if she could pray for me in the school hall. Kellie laid her hands on me and asked God to give this baby life. I felt heat come from her hands into my body. So surreal. I went back to my OB doctor the next day and asked for a sonogram to appease me cause we had prayed for this baby to move through the tubes. I'll never forget my OB's words as he scanned over the picture of what was inside of me. "Look at this heart beating. Your baby is safe. He is in no longer in the tubes." His name is Britt and he will be 18 tomorrow.

And the beat of Britt's heart is for his God whom he loves and wrestles with---a God that He is finding hopefully in places like Black Mountain and at his new home, Austin Texas. He has been the joy of my life as my older three left for college several years ago. Never complains. Loves life. Such a hard worker. And he honors this mom who prayed for him. I remember touching his long toes for the first time to see if he was really alive. So grateful to our amazing God for this little big miracle who has grown into a 6'4" frame of His power to save.

God is so working in my heart to free me up and help me live in this present moment. May I be much more concerned with my weak Christianity at times than over any harm that has been done to me. My God will never harm me---even this is for my good. He's a good God! Pray for a double dose of my good God tomorrow at 8:40am and again at 4:20pm. How in the world can I do it? IDK. All I know is that He helped me leap over that 2-foot thick door this morning. HE gave me Hope not Relief in the midst of all I carry in my heavy heart. Your prayers mean more to me than words I can find. I need Him so. Moment by Moment. Little by Little. Exodus 23:27-31.

As we celebrate our Independence Day, may we find our own freedom from fear and harm and life itself. Happy Fourth of July to you and your family. May you find a little more freedom in your heart, this weekend, than you have ever known.

Powerless as I Face Radiation

The phone call I've been waiting for just came. All four of my doctors --- surgeon, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, and pathologist --- all are on the same page and no further surgery is required. No mastectomy (only 3 partial ones!) and no chemo. Thank you God! And since the report lists that there is "exuberant healing" occurring in the biopsy cavity, WELL that just means one thing to me----only God can do that! Thank you God for exuberant healing!

This part of my cancer journey is now history (I think :) and I move to the radiation stage in the morning. Can I just shout out loud to the good God I so adore that even in a few mishaps there were overwhelming Kindnesses from HIM. I'm so grateful to HIM for having made it to the place where I am in my heart of surrender in suffering. Our wills are so dead set against suffering yet my heart has taken me to places I would not go. I had to live in the present and deal with what was going on in my heart for the beautiful God I know that I know that I know was doing surgery on my heart and I thought it was on my body! He led me to use the pain to wrestle more passionately with the character and purposes of God. This life is not about us. It's all about HIM and fulfilling His purposes----why He has us here. I exist for Him. He so wants me fully. He does not exist for me and my world. While the surgery on my body is over; the surgery on my heart continues.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30am I begin radiation treatment. I went in on Monday for a simulation and was not prepared for what happened. I didn't think that the radiation treatments would be difficult for me as they simulated the event. It wasn't. It's impossible for me and what I deal with! My body quaked in the CT Scan and, then again, in the Radiation Room. As the 3-foot thick wall door was closed on me....and when they put the band around my legs to stabilize my spine in the CT Scan, flashbacks of childhood memories of horrific things flooded my mind and I cried out sobbing to our good God. Yes, there is much trauma in my life from what has been done to me but my God will carry me through even this. I don't know how! My good God offers me HOPE not RELIEF in the midst of my suffering. I'll wrestle to find that hope tomorrow morning and ask you to join me in praying that I will be more concerned about my unholiness than any anguish I suffer.

Will I grieve more over my flailing commitment to a majestic Christ than over whatever harsh and horrible treatments I will endure? That's the beat of my heart. Let my Great Physician have his full way in my heart and body. I've dealt with so much surreal fear in my life. He knows the way I take. Our wills are so set against suffering and we don't want our loved ones to suffer. But the reality of the heart living in reality pushes us into an awareness against our will of living in this present moment of suffering and that's so good. No denial. No relief. No one has ever walked in your shoes. No one knows what you have to face. God sees. He knows the way we take. We can trust Him---so what does that look like for me tomorrow?

This is the biggest battle for me. And I embrace this suffering surrendered in trepidation with eyes lifted to the Unseen. For those of you who don't struggle with fears like this, you probably wonder about this. All I know is that when they close that three-foot door on me tomorrow morning, my good God will be in that room with me whether I sense His Presence or not. He will be there. My Great Physician!

My faithful lifelong friend, Mindy, called me this morning when she heard about what I went through on Monday in the radiation simulation. She knows me better than almost anyone except my family. I'm sobbing as I write this. Her voice cracked as she wept and read to me: "Asa cried out to the LORD his God, 'O LORD, there is NO ONE LIKE YOU to help those who are powerless. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your Name, we will come against this.' " 2 Chron 14:11.

Radiation 8:30am Wednesday July 1st and every day for 7 weeks...

Two Posts in the Same Day........surgery again??

FRIDAY UPDATE - Just met with the medical oncologist to finalize chemo. BUT, my medical oncologist's interpretation of the surgical pathology report is that all of my margins re-excised are focally positive with DCIS cancer and that means you need to have a mastectomy. She needs to be convinced by the surgeon about the surgeon's decision on Wednesday to release me and do no further surgery. Here we sit at 5:00pm on a Friday. Wait til Monday. So that's the Friday findings. I will wait til Monday to have them re-hash the mastectomy re-visit between the med oncologist and surgeon and hospital pathologist whose pathology report is quirky according to the two oncologists.

You know, I'm sitting here thinking, what settles us? I don't want to go through another anesthesia anytime soon. And I think in moments like this, it is about Truth settling deep down in our hearts where we really wrestle with the goodness of God. Psalm 51:6---David wrestled with his doubt of a good God, his sin. Is God good only if the report is good? Nope. I didn't question the surgeon til now. Actually, I still don't. I question the hospital pathologist and wonder if we should run the cancerous tumor/tissue slides back to MDAnderson for the third time for interpretation from their pathology department?

And I thought it would all be settled today. And it all started on April 1st. Ha. I'll embrace this weekend and take care of my body like my nutritionist told me to do in my appointment with him this morning. Had a great appointment with this doctor who mapped out a plan for me to build back my serotonin level naturally. He said my serotonin is depleted and we can do it with natural supplements. I've never tried anti-depressants for serotonin depletion and I have never taken supplements until April 1st---amino acids and glutamine and methyl and all-natural products. I have a super nutritionist with Lone Star Oncology who is aggressively treating the health of my body on a bio-molecular level. The supplements he has had me on are tried-and-true clinical findings from research places like Mayo Clinic and Duke University and MDA. My last two surgeries showed that I had exuberant healing occurring--- that's really good.

This cancer journey has been a huge wake-up call for me to take care of my body where I have been lax in what I ate and drank way-too-many cokes every day of my life. Not anymore, not since April 1st. No cokes. No sugar. No fast food. No Oreo's. No ice cream. Diet doesn't heal alone but disrespect of my body and what I put in it isn't healing me either. Don't know how I could have tackled this simple diet without God's help. Don't know how I've done it except maybe I'm desperate because I have cancer in my body and I am going to beat this thing by the grace of God.

So, as our confusing appointment ended, I brought up the word I thought would shoot out of the medical oncologist's mouth first, ---CHEMO. Her response? Absolutely not. Mastectomy, yes. Chemo, no. Your profile and oncotype is way too low. 4% incremental benefit if you take chemo. "Not even a consideration," she blurted out. You are kidding me? I didn't even have to make a decision about chemo. After reading my profile, five different oncologists all have said "no chemo." (The medical oncologist actually did say "chemo" on the last visit but seemed to definitively change her leaning.) So, there you go. She didn't even give me a choice on chemo. The only people who said chemo was MDA---institutional policy for micrometastasis.

I'll post again Monday as I go for my first radiation appointment at 8:30am unless they pull me out to put me on the surgery table again.

Here's another silly story. I left my oncologist's office at 5:00pm and went straight to my surgeon's office next door to leave a handwritten note asking for clarification for my confused soul. While trying to slip the carefully crafted handwritten note in perfect penmanship, face up, under her locked glass door, my hand got caught under the rubber sweep guard that allows you to easily slip mammogram files under her door. My hand was stuck! I burst out laughing so hard---at least I wasn't crying. Don't panic. And you know the rest of the story because my hand is typing this post---I got it out! I could envision Bob eventually wondering where in the world his wife was and coming up to find me laying on the floor rolling laughing in a dark vacant building with my hand stuck in the surgeon's door. Who should we call for help? Bob just kept waiting downstairs in the car for me. Wondered why I took so long.

I'm so bewildered and bothered and bold and bracing myself to fall before God this weekend and let Him carry me through this. All I know to do is cry out to Him moment by moment by moment. Reminds me of Deut 1:31. "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as parents carry their children. He carried you wherever you went until you came to this place." I am going to keep crying out and ask God to carry me and help me live in the present moment while I wait for Monday to come.

FREE for Senior Citizens

Seems to me like the past 12 weeks all comes down to this very day. It's the day we finalize the decision to go the chemo route first, or start radiation on Monday. My surgeon released me. She was not able to completely remove all of the DCIS cancer. It is to my chest wall. No further surgery of any kind can remove that. The surgical pathology report noted that the surgical specimen has positive margins, focally positive for DCIS in all margins. That's the surgical medical diagnosis.

All of the above is just information as my good friend Kathryn says. I am safe, no matter what, in the hands of an Invisible, sometimes Silent, Good and Loving God.

I will see my medical oncologist today to finalize chemo and/or radiation. It's a hazy gray area which way to go. Mathematically, the incremental benefit of taking chemo increases my survival rate by 4%. Only four women out of 100 would benefit from taking chemo.

I won't go against medical advice and second opinions...but my ultimatum is this: I am placing my trust in the hands of our good God and His direction. The percentage of women who benefit from chemo with my profile is staggeringly low.

You know, I believed that after the first surgery, my good surgeon would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the second surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. I believed after the third surgery, she would get all of the cancer out. It didn't happen. So what do I do with that? Some think it's your faith or lack of it. Some think it's the way you handle your problems.

We all have different theologies. I do know this. I am a little more stable, a little more stronger in the LORD, and in love with Him a little more, even after going through a horrendous experience for four days this past weekend where my body violently reacted to the anesthesia. And not being able to sleep longer than a couple of hours each night of this week. It was trauma for me. PTSS is what they say. But my mind is very clear this morning even though my body still is not cooperating. I know Whom I have believed in and I am CONVINCED that He is able to keep me until that day. And no one knows what day that is. I am kept by a Mighty Present God. HE meets us in our weakness. It's my theology of weakness and I hold to it. His Strength is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Cor 12:9. I asked for Him to take away the cancer by surgery and He didn't. I believe He still will and the door of healing is always open. I depend on Him whether I feel like He is listening or I am overwhelmed with sensing His Presence. Both happens to me.

So, I'll end with a silly story on this weighty friday. I drove into the hospital parking lot yesterday and stopped to ask the attendant how much the parking was to make sure I had enough in my wallet. This older gentleman looked me straight in the eyes and said: "FREE. It's free for senior citizens." Ha. I guess my pony tail and blue jeans didn't convince him that I might be in any other category. And yes I am a member of AARP. I got a good laugh out of it, though. I'll post again on Monday and tell you where I am---in a chemo chair or under a beam of radiation.

To have friends walk alongside of me during this difficult time means much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, your comments, your support, your cards, your love! HE is lifting up my head!

Mustard Seeds

I was walking around Dillard's asking, knocking, and seeking in my heart for the God I so love to show up and speak to me. I've just spent the most horrific four days sedated from anesthesia, paralyzed in fear, frozen in a tiny apartment. Crying out to God! The pieces began to fall in place today that I was over-medicated for a fifteen minute procedure or so I perceive. If you've ever had a PTSD diagnosis, then you know the nightmare when your mind is messed with. I'm not medical but I am asking a whole lot of questions about what went wrong with the anesthesia. I was a mess, but make no mistake, I am one glorious mess! A God Who keeps me together. No matter what, God's arm is never too short and His Hand was still on me, covering me, giving me breath. I thought about deleting my last post, but I think you know it was written while I was very upset and bewildered.

It took four days for the anesthesia to finally clear. So, I'm very slowly walking around Dillard's today waiting for the phone call from the surgeon with the news of Friday's pathology report. We're still pretty new to Austin and I've only been to this mall like twice. Never expected to see anyone I knew. I barely recognized this lady who approached me---I had met her at a luncheon. She told me that she should be home packing for an out-of-town trip, but wondered if God had sent her to the mall to meet up with me. She said God had been telling her for the past 24 hours that she needed to call me and tell me that all I needed is faith as big as a mustard seed. And God wanted me to tell you that you've got more faith than a seed in you. Now I don't know about God telling people other things to show up and tell people at a mall....HOWEVER...it was as though God was standing right there for me enveloping me in His arms. I was desperate. I mean, I had just been asking Him for help with what I had been through the past four days and how I could handle the expected phone call with His strength---the phone call that would ring within a few minutes spilling out news if my body still has cancer cells that remain. And there He was, God met me at Dillard's.

And my cell rang....it was my surgeon with the news of the surgical pathology report.
My margins were clear on the last cancerous tumor excised. But! Yes, they found cancer cells at the chest wall, BUT radiation will get those. And, you do not need any further surgery. No mastectomy. Surgery is finished. That's all.
I blurted out HALLELUJAH. And the doctor said it right back to me.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou God is all I could keep saying as I hung up the phone. I called Bob first then drove to the park and fell to my knees as cars whizzed by and I just kept saying thank you over and over again to Him I don't have to face a fourth surgery at this time. I didn't care who was watching. I was one happy girl!

My appointment with the surgeon is at 10:15am tomorrow, and I will find out the rest of the story because she wasn't pleased with the interpretation of the pathology report and has asked for clarification from the pathologist. So things could change. I'm reservedly ecstatic!

Then, it's off to the nutrition oncologist who is going to try to help me with this "GI" problem I am still having. I've lost 8 pounds since June 3rd. Something about eosinophils. Then off to the medical oncologist for a final consult on chemo. Will let you know how it all turns out. I'm so grateful to God Who sees it all unfolding from bizarre anesthesia to mustard seeds of faith growing in my heart. Deeply appreciate your prayers that move the hands of our good God.

PS - On April 7, 2009 when I received the diagnosis of "cancer," I taped a mustard seed into a notebook where I would keep all of my medical records. Then I taped a mustard seed into a brand new pink journal that I would start on that day. I'm always looking at those mustard seeds when I open those books up just about every day.

"I Am Unworthy"

I was sobbing for hours in the darkness hoping for some breakthrough. Never came. Evidence of a new morning slipped into my somber mood. I was reading the Book of Job. I made it to chapter 37 and so wondered what God was saying to me. I decided to try to slip out of bed into the stillness of the night and listen to the last four chapters on my iPod and walk, waiting for the break of dawn. I moved my weary body slowly, methodically, soaking up a sunrise no one had ever seen before. I could only walk at a snail's pace and I listened with every ounce of attention to the reply that God gave to Job and his friends in those last four chapters. I was deeply touched by Job 40:4 "I am unworthy. I put my hand over my mouth. I have no answer." It was such a low point. My body was wrecked from the anesthesia as well as a parasite that has been playing havoc with my gi tract since June 3rd. I've lost eight more pounds. But more than that my trusting heart was in a body that was on overdrive and I couldn't slow it down.

Anesthesia went so well for the first two surgeries. What happened? Not so for the third surgery on Friday. It was supposed to be the least invasive surgery. But, I had a new anesthesiologist with a different philosophy. I think he over-medicated me. From the moment I awakened, I began crying out that I felt like I was dying. Can't begin to tell you how badly I have felt all weekend. Extreme exhaustion where I couldn't even get up. Excessive depression that made me feel like I was so unloved. I struggle with that anyway, but this was unreal. My worst fear of anesthesia came true. And I listened hard to those last four chapters of Job. What are you saying to me God?

My friend JoAnn, the nurse, called and encouraged me to attend her breast cancer support group at noon today---she thought God wanted me there. Oh dear! When I went to church yesterday so longing to praise the God I just adore, I began sobbing as the bass of the music went through me and I thought everyone was screaming at me. I sang Praise Adonai and wondered how I could feel so shaken. I haven't even been able to get up out of bed hardly for four days now until this morning's brief walk that did me in. Can't go, JoAnn. She wouldn't take "no" for an answer. "I'll be your nurse and take care of you, Bev!" Maybe it would be good to get out---I'm gonna feel bad here or there. I had no idea what God would hold for me there.

I sat next to an M.D. and shared my horrendous anesthesia experience with her. She unraveled for me a mystery about my body that gave me courage. I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago when I was separated from treasured friendships I loved then and still do. There are certain drugs you just don't take with PTSD and no one had ever told me that before. It was the exact IV anesthesia and sleep meds that had been given to me. That was why I haven't been able to sleep for three nights, they had made me feel even weirder, so hostile and horrific, such disturbed sleep. That meeting with this doctor was a divine intervention for me that gave me hope that all this anesthesia will continue to wear off. And I will continue to trust God, no matter what. No matter how I feel. It's difficult enough dealing with cancer and so wanting to move on. I will wrestle with our good God to find a rest I know not. I don't know what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow afternoon I will find out if my margins are clear. I am camping in Luke 18---the persistent widow who wants always to pray and not lose heart. I know that I am greatly loved and I'll keep pushing through to love others more than I want to be loved by them. I don't want to live demanding that people treat me a certain way. All I can say is that God is showing up. While I still have very little reserves in my physical body tonight, I believe that God is meeting me in my weaknesses. And I am so humbled that he would arrange an unscheduled free doctor's consult for me this day that unraveled a little more about me.

Seems like people have to have answers in life for things too wonderful. We try to reduce the mystery of this life to "steps" to take to find freedom. All I'm saying is that He is teaching me to live in this present moment of what is really happening in my heart and surrendering to Him, not living for answers but living for his honor. And HE will unwind and unravel and undo all that has been done that's not of Him. I will long remember this day.

Anesthesia was super scary - June 19th

UPDATE ON Friday June 19th Surgery: Surgery today went well. I'm in a little more pain than I thought after three surgeries. I had a huge problem recovering from the anesthesia. Versed. Oh my! Felt worse than I could have imagined. They gave me more anesthesia than expected. Thanks so much for praying that our beautiful God remove all the cancer. Trusting Him, no matter what. Romans 8:26. I sent the verse to Abby and she was sending it right back to me---that was so God! The surgical report comes back on Tuesday. Please pray for clear margins!

Britt is doing a CHARITY fundraiser garage sale w/10 families SATURDAY JUNE 20th for children in Chiang-Mai, Thailand at The Horne's---you just have to go by if you live in Austin. Twelve Hyde Park high school students have pulled this off. So disappointed I can't be there to help but the Hornse are amazing in hosting this. The students picked up donated items like wrought iron lawn furniture, designer clothing, furniture, tons of electronics. All the money they make will go to help Nat walk again---he's an 11-year-old that Britt met in one of the villages in Thailand. Brooke took him to the doctor today for an evaluation---it cost $6 for the hospital visit. He will need physical therapy. And the rest of the money raised will help buy clothing and food for tribal village children as Brooke wraps up three years in Thailand---she'll be home July 24th. Pray that people buy lots of stuff and give a few extra dollars to make a difference in the lives of these needy children who are so loved by God.

The Following Post is from Thursday: I can't thank you enough for all of you who stopped to pray for me on Thursday at 8:15pm.

A strange peace came over me as I listened to the mild-mannered unperturbed words of my surgeon this morning. I jotted at the top of my notes "5 loaves and 2 fish." God is going to have to help me get through this appointment. The soliloquy was not the measure of concern that came from the oncologist's pathology report interpretation on Friday. My surgeon was wide awake in surgical strategy actually saying: "Your margins are clear but there is now a second focus of another invasive cancer that is only 3 mm. I removed that new cancerous tiny tumor on Tuesday but those margins are not clear. You now have multi-focal cancer and need final clear margins. I don't recommend a mastectomy at this point, just a partial one. Can we do surgery this Friday at 10:30am to clear those margins?"

Can I please take like a week to mull over this and pray and ponder. No, I can't. I have one minute not one week to wonder. The words spilled out of my mouth with such ease. "Yes, I will submit again to one more surgery this coming Friday." But, I have to be hydrated and over this bacterial infection or I can't do it. So, pray that my body continues to recover. Since the two liters of IV on Friday along with antibiotics, I have been able to keep food down. I have continued to improve every day.

God has continued to open doors for me that are amazing. I'm simply awestruck over here at what He is doing in my heart. I was so upset the day after surgery thinking a "purse thief" took two $20 bills out of my wallet at the hospital. It was my husband who put the money back in the bank since I actually wasn't going anywhere. I thought differently. Funny the things we let bother us rather than choose to love. I asked God to give me back that money and someone at church handed me a normal #11 business envelope with a bunch of $20 bills crammed in it. And here I was, actually surprised at God! It was anonymous---they wanted me to know it was from God. $500 of bills. I think there's more surgery going on in my heart than in my body. Ways I look at things that don't please Him. Sin that comes out of me that so surprises me. And beautiful opportunities to repent before the God Who has taken care of all of our sins. There's hope for my sin!

Attempting Tuesday's surgery while being dehydrated was really devastating. That's the difficult thing in this cancer journey---you manage your own care. I'm not with all the same oncology group---my second and third opinions brought me to other groups. You may ask why---when a radiation oncologist answers my question that his machines are 10 years old, I think I have to find more cutting edge technology. Maybe I'm wrong and it's okay. It does create a medical team that communicates by snail mail. I carry all my own records everywhere, every time. And I'm not medical. But they know I will ask every question that comes to my mind and from my research. And most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. But this I know----my beautiful God's arm is not too short for me. Isaiah 50:2 - when I called, was there none to answer? Is my arm so short for you? I want to hear Him calling and answer in all my moments, the good ones and the hard ones and the silent ones when I wonder if He is listening.

Bob and I walked out of the surgeon's office looking at each other in amazement with peace. We went straight to the Austin hospital to pick up the tumor, tissue slides. And Bob actually drove my tumor from that Austin hospital to MDAnderson in Houston today for a second opinion on the pathology report. I was not strong enough to take the six-hour round trip. My husband is quite amazing even though he has been accused of being a "purse thief." Isaiah 33:6 describes him well---Christ is the stability of his times and this man offers me so much hope and courage and love, so much!

I am going to take Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and retreat. I'm going to a private place by myself to read and listen and wrestle and wonder and praise the beautiful God Who is so carrying me through this. You won't hear from me over the next three days, only intermittently. I won't be blogging or answering e-mail's or texts or phone calls. He is calling me to fast my words, fast my connections and come to Him.

Then, Thursday night, at 8:15PM at our Mo-Pac apartment, I welcome any of you in Austin to join me and my family to pray for me ---- about 30 minutes. Maybe some of you, like my dear friends Holly and Annette, will slip to your knees where you are some time during that half hour. I know my children will be praying at that moment whether in Thailand or Korea or California or DC---wherever they are. Let me throw in a congratulations to Barrett who came in 10th at a Half Ironman Triathlon in Korea yesterday winning a couple of thousand dollars.

Join us and pray with us, to the same God, Whose arm is not short for me--- even though some of you bloggers will be sitting miles and miles away. God will be listening on Thursday evening to you and your family---send a thought for me. And for any of you close by, just drop by at 8:15pm on Thursday. Call Bob 512.541.5772 for directions to our apartment. It will be the eve of my surgery and I'm asking you to pray. I would be so humbled by your presence before our God for me, whether in body or in spirit. God says in Isaiah 65:24: "Before you even call, I will answer." Please do! I'm still scared but surrendered! Still a mess, but a glorious one! Cannot thank you enough for your praying for me and walking alongside! I need community. I'll talk to you all after my Friday surgery. And maybe I might see some of you on Thursday night---that would be a joy!

In a Tight Place Over Here

Weekends like this one makes me question and think really hard about life. I'm in a tight place.

Friday morning was the deadline with our medical oncologist whether to choose chemo or not. She took one look at me and said----we have to get you on an IV. I could barely walk into her office Friday a.m., I was so weak. Dehydrated. Again. For 10 days I had not been able to keep down food and liquids. Severe vomiting. Don't know why either. My surgeon decided to go ahead with the re-excision surgery on Tuesday. They gave me an IV to re-hydrate me. I walked out of the hospital, Tuesday, or was wheeled out and felt really good by Tuesday night. Short-lived. By Wednesday, I was back in trouble again. Thursday, I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow, so nauseous, incredibly weak. So here I sat Friday morning trying to tell my medical oncologist that I wasn't going to choose to go the route of chemo. That's when she read me the report of the surgical pathology report from Tuesday's surgery. It was hard to hear. It was bad news for me again. Now the med oncologist wants to do chemo. I won't go against medical advice.

Surgical Pathology Report from Tuesday's surgery: No clear margins. Again. Tuesday's surgery to get all the cancer out was not successful. Med oncologist's recommendation was mastectomy and chemo---she's the medical oncologist. I meet with the surgical oncologist tomorrow morning, Monday, to hear her interpretation of Tuesday's surgical pathology report and plan yet another surgery. Then chemo. Then radiation. This is so dragging out. One super hard thing in all of this is that you manage your own care or that's what it seems like to me and I'm not medical.

They tried to put the IV in my veins on Friday morning, but my vein collapsed. And what came to my mind was Psalm 46:1-3 God is so present in times of trouble ----somewhere, somebody told me this interpretation one time of that verse. "God is abundantly available in tight places." I have the smallest veins ever---my wrists are the size of a child's. I also had lost five pounds just this week from fluid loss. They had to call an RN from another floor in to find a vein. Sometimes, I feel so dramatic in all this. But it is reality. As I sat for about 5 hours receiving IV saline on Friday morning, I cried out to the God I so adore. Why can't this be over? It's been since April 1st trying to get answers and we still don't have a clear picture. We will tomorrow, probably. I've thought that so many times. And, yes, HE is available in tight places.

While I was waiting for lab reports, I put my jean jacket over my head in the waiting room and prayed that God would have some compassion on me. Isaiah 30:18 - HE longs to have compassion on us. Just a few seconds later, a random teenage girl came over to me in the waiting room and whispered a question in my ear--- she actually lifted up my jean jacket, invaded my personal space and whispered into my ear under my blue jean jacket---"Can I give you a hug?" It was as though God stepped over to me and gave me a physical hug----she will never know.

In about five hours I felt like a new person & actually walked out of there with tears still streaming down my face asking HIM to keep on showing up for I am still in a very very tight place.

Don't feel sorry for me. I have an incredibly unbelievable Present Mighty God Who is carrying me through this. 2 Timothy 1:6 says kindle afresh the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. I have no idea who those hands belonged to in that waiting room. I just know that I know that I know that I am not ashamed. I am called with a holy calling and it means I can ask my Father anything. And I can wrestle with my good God. And I can question Him. Not demand. But I can ask Him for healing and deliverance from even this---my soul, my body, my mind. And I believe. And I know that I know that I know Whom I have believed and I am convinced, I am persuaded at 3:00am when I am awakened at nights, that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. And when I don't believe, He helps my unbelief. Now, I have to just keep living moment by moment, surrendered, scared, and a little more solid than ever. It's not about how strong I am nor how positive I can be. It's all about the ONE who guards my heart, my life, my mind, my soul. I'm a mess over here but make no mistake, I am a glorious mess!

Pray for me at 9:45AM tomorrow, Monday morning, as I hear the final results of the surgical pathology report to plan another surgery.

Fearless Courage

Tuesday....Surgery to remove remaining cancer cells went well on Tuesday. They ran IV fluids through me to re-hydrate me as I had a wicked flu this weekend. As I lay there waiting and praying for the 9:45am surgery, Daniel 9:23 kept coming to my mind. "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are greatly loved." I had not thought about those verses in a while. As I listened, I kept hearing them over and over. No one wants to have their surgery re-done. Can't tell you what it meant that God would remind me that I was greatly loved! I don't know what the answer is yet on the surgery results.

Wednesday....I have not been able to keep down water this morning, this afternoon. Severe stomach cramps have been constant all day.

Thursday....Feels like the same flu I experienced on Sunday. I've had a little reprieve since 8pm. I was able to get up and eat a little banana, a couple spoons of rice, a bite of toast. The heavens are also rumbling above as a summer storm and tornadoes are in the vicinity. Some pea-sized hail is hitting our windows as I write. My medical oncologist wants to see me in the morning to see if I need another IV. I am supposed to give my medical oncologist my decision tomorrow morning about whether I choose to take "chemotherapy" or not.

We've prayed. We've done our research on micrometastasis in the lymph nodes. We've gone for second and even third opinions. All of my oncologists here in Austin will support my decision to choose not to have chemo. So, I'm not against medical advice here. I'll deliver my decision at 8:30AM tomorrow. I think you know what that will probably be. We still have to wait for the surgical pathology report--- which should have been back by now--- to see if the margins of cancer within me are clear. That's what we are waiting for this night!

At least, tonight, I can sit up again. For that, I am most grateful!! I haven't been able to lift my head off the pillow most of the day today, Thursday. Deeply appreciate that you are checking on me and praying for me and my family. Britt has been at UT representing his high school with 800 other boys from around the state at the American Legion's BOYS STATE all week. They end tomorrow with Governor Perry addressing their final session. I won't be there. Wish I could.
Someone gave me a necklace that says "fearlessness." We've known for two weeks that June 12th is the chemo decision day. What God has continued to bring to my mind over these past two weeks was a verse I read 30 years ago that really gripped my heart. Three decades later, I remember that moment and that verse. Isn't that amazing? It's Phil 1:20 in the Moffatt version, "My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honor to Christ in my own person by fearless courage." So, I'll wear that necklace tomorrow as I visit the oncologist thinking about how my God is moving and working in me fearless courage. Fearlessness. HE is so working in my heart and I am so alive in HIM. It's not about how strong we are; it's all about His Strength made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 12:9.

Surgery is tomorrow...Calm my soul

Tomorrow is my planned surgery to re-excise and attempt to remove all the remaining cancer. Again. Please pray that the Great Physician guides my good physician to eradicate every single rogue cell. I am wrestling with my very beautiful good God that all of the cancer be removed. Again.


I have had the flu over the weekend and it has been rough. Very rough. I vomited for about 5 hours during the early hours of Sunday morning. Couldn't even keep down water. Pretty spent on Sunday. I'm much better today and have been cleared by my doctor to move ahead with surgery tomorrow. I plan to try to get re-hydrated today---still rather weak from the flu. But the best plan I know is Isaiah 40:31 that those who wait for the LORD will renew their strength---and then I can walk and not faint. He knows. Yes, He knows.


This morning my husband read to me Psalm 131. It's only three verses long. He could not have picked a better word for me this sultry morn. Last summer this chapter meant the world to me in what I faced at that time. And, again, this morning, God showed up at our breakfast table and I have tears streaming down knowing this word is really from Him to me. It's what I need to do to repent, to surrender, to think about as HE continues to make me into the person He created me to be. So here it is. It's my heartfelt humble scared prayer for tomorrow's surgery. I'm depending on HIM to do what only HE can do in my heart and in my body.


Psalm 131
O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
My eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things too great
and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Oh my soul, hope in the LORD, from this moment and
forever.
God determines the length of our days, doesn't HE? What I can look for as I face surgery, as I face life, is to look for rest and peace in HIM. To learn even in my fifties to more fully love my God, my husband, my family, my friends. And to learn how to receive His Love in the ways HE is caring for me which is sometimes different than what I thought would be. HE is asking me to surrender my body tomorrow to a surgeon and surrender my heart, every moment I grasp, to the Great Physician. I praise Him greatly for all HE has done for me to this very day and all HE will do. HE is a good God, no matter what happens! Please pray for a successful surgery tomorrow. God just loves that we knock on His door and ask Him. He is bending His Ear to me and to you this moment. Bending low from Heaven to the earth. Trying to get more of heaven in me. Psalm 18:6 - my cry has reached His ears. Would you please ask Him for me that no cancer remains in me after tomorrow. Or even today! Such a privilege to be a fellow struggler and walk this journey alongside people who care! I'd be so touched if you prayed for me when my God brings me to your mind tomorrow. I'd be honored if you left a comment on this post. My last post was closed to comments because of the weightiness of the issues we face, but all comments are open from now on.

My Gratitude and Love,
Scared and Surrendered, Bev

A Decision to Have Chemotherapy

Dropped Britt off for the SAT College Board test (the final SAT out of four kids) and headed toward Town Lake for an early morning jog. I have to make a final decision by this coming Friday if I will do chemotherapy or not. I wanted to listen to what God was saying to me. It has been an emotionally charged week spending three days at MDAnderson and then back to Austin for appointments with three of my oncologists here. Part of me is more sure of the love of God than ever before. Part of me is so searching for my beautiful God to please help me in the swirling opinions of dealing with cancer.

I jogged three miles around lovely Lady Bird Lake to the Lamar Boulevard Bridge. I passed hundreds of people but made no eye contact this morning. You see, the tears were flooding my face and wouldn't stop as I listened to Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise." Did anyone even notice? There is a peace that is flooding my soul not based on my cancerous circumstances. I can't explain it. "Though my heart and flesh may fail, there is an Anchor for my Soul." I will rise when He calls my name. No more sorrow; no more pain---on that day. But it's this day and I do hold sorrow and pain in my heart. And I wrestle with a very good God in the midst. And I do wrestle.

As I ascended the spiral ramp to the Lamar Pedestrian Bridge, Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes" came on. "God my God, I cry out---your beloved needs you now. God be near, calm my fear. Take my doubt with Kindnesses. Your love is all that draws me in. I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. Yes, I will lift my eyes to my Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild." I stood at the peak of the prominent pedestrian bridge spilling my tears into this Reservoir on the Colorado River in downtown Austin. My God met me there and though my tears were many, the lake never noticed either. But my God did! He collected them from all of the billions of gallons of water below. Not a drop was left.

MDAnderson diagnosed even more cancer in the pathology report they generated from the tissue slides that I had sent from the tumors removed and stored in the Austin hospital pathology lab. The MDA oncologists concurred that chemo along with radiation was my hope for recovery from cancer. Make no mistake, MDA was thorough, pristine, and emphatic in their diagnoses and prognosis.

But on Wednesday when I faced my surgeon, my medical oncologist, and my radiation oncologist, it was a remarkably different scenario. They customized my care and gave me options. My medical oncologist took way over an hour with me to explain adjuvant therapy and playing the percentages. We had been waiting for the Oncotype DX Test Assay to return a LOW score. You are safe if it is 1-10. My score was 11. Pretty safe on a scale of 0-100. Over 64,000 women have participated in this clinical trial. MDA wouldn't give it any weight. My oncologists did. Their prediction is that if I take chemo, I will have a 4% greater chance of survival than if I didn't take the chemo. That's only 4 women out of 100 will have a greater survival rate. Does the risk outweigh the benefit? Hardly for me. Not 4%. But...

The microscopic cancer they found in one of two of my lymph nodes has been removed. It's gone. But it's systemic and it is in your bloodstream. What is the significance of microscopic cancer cells in your bloodstream? I can't seem to get a good answer to that question except that chemo will destroy all those cells, even microscopic. It also destroys good things as well like all your white blood cells. So what do I do to take care of this body that God has given me? My oncologists have said that it looks like adjuvant therapy of radiation and hormonal therapy for five years could take care of "it." They have put the final decision whether to take chemo into my lap.

It's a hazy gray area dealing with microscopic cancer cells obtained by an HCI stain. They push the envelope to find them. My God will lead me by Friday in a decision. This I do know--- He loves me so. HE determines the length of my days. I look for peace and rest. I long to love more fully my husband, family and friends He has given me. And I stand in awe of being loved by such a beautiful God in the ways He is caring for me in all of this. He is asking me once again, every day, to surrender and let Him re-make me into a lover. Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? No person can fill my empty soul but Him. My God has so opened doors for me as I have walked these past eight weeks. He'll open the door this week and unlock the decision. I cling to Him.

Please pray for me as my husband and I make this decision of whether to do chemo or not. I am not going to open this post to any comments. I don't want to put on anyone the weight of helping make or influencing this weighty decision. No comments on this post... but know that your friend loves you and values your life. I will continue to talk with medical people this week. I'll continue to do what research I can do. And I will continue to spread out my "news" before our very good God and continue to wrestle and deal with my doubts, my fears, my failures. Our God has already taken care of all that! I have been sick with the flu for the past couple of days and have had to take it easy. I'm back to normal today, gratefully.

I stood on that pedestrian bridge this morning and listened to the Voice of Love. And I told Him a gigantic thank you for all of you who are walking alongside me and my family. Cancer is a daunting journey. If God brings me to your mind, I'd so love for you to ask Him for two things:

Tuesday is surgery again for me. I'll post about it on Monday. My surgeon will remove the cancer that she missed the first time. Oh! Please pray that my surgeon is able to remove all of it this time. I need the Great Physician to show up! He will! And then pray for us as we decide on Friday if chemo is the right thing for me to do. Just like Hezekiah spread out letter that didn't hold good news that arrived in 2 Kings 19:14, here is our not so good news, oh God! Hezekiah went up to the temple of the LORD and spread it out before his God. Give ear, O LORD, and hear this letter. Open your eyes and see my own letter---a pathology report on Tuesday, oh my LORD, and listen. And Hezekiah's God answered in verse 20. May we hear the words on Tuesday: the cancerous tumors are all gone.

All comments on this post are CLOSED. Come back on Monday and I'd so love for you to leave a comment about my upcoming surgery on Tuesday.

365

The rain is dancing against the gigantic picture window as I sit inside the windowseat on MD Anderson’s 5th hospital floor. The text from Sarah just arrived and it said: 365. It's the number of times Jesus tells us in the Bible not to be afraid. He knows I am afraid at MDA this day!

This place is a metroplex of hallmark hurting humble souls. I met some Christians here and God says about them Heb 11:38 - “The world is not worthy of these people.” My daughter Brooke’s college friend who works at MDA told me the story of how she walked into a room to check on a patient not doing well on their chemo. The patient’s reply was: “I’m blessed!” I looked hard into faces I’ve never seen weathered with pain, attached to appliances so foreign. We walked the halls of a house of suffering. 365.

Why is it God always seems to be doing big things in my life when it’s raining. It’s raining in my heart. Tears are storming down my face as I walk out of my last appointment in my stay at MD Anderson’s Breast Cancer Center. 365.

Here’s what happened at MDA…and I must say that this will probably be too long of a post for most. So the punch line is this: I didn’t get the good news I had hoped for---I need to have both chemo and radiation after my June 9th surgery because I have cancer in my lymph nodes.

My hospital stay started with a simple mammogram---except it was anything but normal. Dozens and dozens and dozens of bi-lateral scans reduced me to heaving and sobbing. I knew right away something had to be way wrong when they called me back again, twice. When alone, I slipped to my knees in my dressing room and sang “Jesus Loves Me” to myself.

An hour later, the ultra sound imaging tech showed up and I wasn’t ready for what would happen in that next couple of hours. I watched as the technician took 47 pictures---about every five frames--- she would click on them and they would light up like fire. Not good. She finished and said: “I have to go get the doctor to take a look at this.” In comes Dr. Dryden, dressed like he was going to a wedding. He took all those pictures over again as I tried to lay my head on my Lord’s lap and ask HIM to speak to me as those pictures kept lighting up like a fire in my breast.

The news was terrifying to me in that moment. 365. “We have found another tumor in your breast and in your lymph node and suspect it to be cancer. The size of the lymph node was very suspicious. We need to biopsy it. “Can my husband come back with me?” The answer was no---something about how he might faint on their floor. Actually, I’m the one that usually faints in stress---vaso-vagal syncope.

You’ll do fine. “You’re in good hands with Dr. Dryden.” I replied that I was really in Good Hands with my God.. They weren’t listening. Too busy prepping me for the procedure. All four of them had to walk out of the tiny room and the doctor made me promise I wouldn’t burst out the door and take off. Funny comment. Great idea! I guess he read me right. Could he see the sheer terror in my face when he said that if the biopsy came back cancerous, they would need to take out all 26 lymph nodes. I was alone in the room for a moment. I smoothed out the sheets and invited the beautiful God I so trust and love and adore to hop up and sit real close to my scared self. 365. Take my hand! 365! Say it to me God, one more time. “Don’t Be Afraid.” Cause I am.

The friendly four returned armed with gadgets and needles and draping and stuff. Too much for me to look at. All of a sudden, God brought to my mind: “A bruised reed He will not break; a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish.” Isaiah 42:3. The team moved quickly and walked me through every step. Local anesthesia---I would be awake for this. My recent lymph node dissection surgery had not healed fully and they were messing with it. Peace flooded my self---no other way to explain it.

It was over. Armed with my tissue in his hands, my new doctor friend went straight to the pathologist on the other side of the wall to look for cancer. 10 minutes, he said, and I'll be back with the news. It became the longest thirty minutes of my life as I cried out to my good God. I begged for them to let my husband come back and they did. He cried when I told him what I had just been through. I tried to prepare for the worse.

Dr. Dryden burst through the door and I searched his face for an answer. “We’ve got it. It’s benign.” Could you say that one more time? I burst out sobbing.

I’m still sobbing, but this time it’s because of my visit with the next oncologist to go over my case. Even though the cancer in one lymph node is microscopic (that’s the controversy), this ancient doctor firmly believes I need chemotherapy and radiation of the worst kind. It’s a systemic disease and it has metastasized into my lymph node. That means it is in your bloodstream. The chemo that will soon make me sick and drain my white blood cells of life will save my life. The radiation that will destroy my cells will kill the good and the bad cells. It’s toxic. It’s necessary. I’ll lose my hair. I’ll lose some of my good health. I’ll lose my energy. But I will never lose the love of my beautiful God. He’ll be with me every step of my lonely dreaded way. And No One will snatch me out of my hand. John 10:29. I’ll fall forward. I’ll advance His Kingdom not my own.

And I won’t lose the friends that matter to me. I think you’ll stick with me. I met Annette and Kathy in Houston and they both so brought God to me after a very tough biopsy. I’ve lost some things through my life but losing my friends has been harder than most anything I’ve faced. I hope I can do something for you during these next 12 months or so while I undergo chemo and radiation. Maybe you’ll talk with me by phone or text or blog. I’m actually out of cell phone minutes already for this month. Last month our bill was $1,200 and I was flabbergasted---can’t do that anymore. I’m just grateful we don’t have to live in a box on the street. The medical bills stream in every day of our lives now. They say this will topple $1 million plus. And God keeps on providing in ways I never imagined every day.

So, I’ll lift my sobbing head to the Maker of this mountain that I cannot climb. I love that Bebo Norman song. He’ll pull me up. It’s not what I had hoped for. My other friends have clear margins and their lymph nodes are cancer-free. But that’s not the way it happened for me. And my Jesus says: “What’s that to you. You follow Me.” John 21:22. I’m incredibly sad. And, yes, I know there are people and some of you that have been through far worse. But don’t minimize my pain. I’m hurting. I’m scared to put toxicity in my healthy body. I’m so disappointed. But this one thing I know and am convinced of and rest assured---my Jesus loves me so. So, I’ll trust Him in this as I wrestle with Him and embrace my loss of being sick during my son’s special senior year. I’ll fall forward and long to advance His Kingdom, not my own. Somehow, I will welcome this trial as my new friend. Again and again, I’ll wrestle through this. I’ll embrace my loss somehow. I’ll find my beautiful God even when I won’t feel beautiful. And for those of you who will stay with me, I’ll deeply appreciate your love. 365.

I'll be back in Austin on Wednesday for appointments with my surgeon getting ready for my upcoming surgery June 9th. And I'll meet with my medical oncologist to decide the final protocol---chemo and then radiation. And one more appt. with a new dermatologist to see if I have skin cancer for two spots that have changed in all of this.
My Love & Gratitude, Bev

Personal Pain is My Friend

The umpire called "SAFE." The other ump called "OUT." Am I SAFE???

The test results were supposed to come back today. They arrived a day early. I was proctoring an exam and I had just walked out of a meeting where I had hurt someone with my words---someone I care about. I was trying to wrestle through it. That's when the phone call arrived. All I could think was: "Get to the number" as the surgical oncologist's nurse explained the results. I needed to score an 11 or below on the Oncotype DX test assay. When she said the number, I BURST into sobbing. So surprised myself. I guess I have a whale of emotions within me over having cancer. The number was "11." I don't think there are any words to describe how I felt that moment that God had listened, as always, but answered and engineered those results for me.

I have felt like the man in Luke 11:5-13 knocking on his friend's door for 3 loaves of bread at midnight, the darkest hour. I've been knocking on His Door for ten days now. And I have asked anyone who would stop long enough and listen to me to join me in begging persistently like this friend knocking down a friend's door for bread. Ever begging but never demanding. It is entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of an Almighty God, said Francis Schaeffer when he had cancer.

It has been two weeks since surgery---some things are not healing right. My margins came back and were not clear and I have cancer in my lymph nodes---that news was so shaking to me last week. So, this news was the first pound of good news in a while. This was sweet. A low score! And tears flooded my face uncontrollably. Three hours later...

At 4:00pm, I walked out of Hyde Park ending my substitute teaching job this year at a brand new school that has embraced me and my son like family. Honestly, I feel like we've been there for all of our lives ---just like we had felt for 21 consecutive years at Lake Country in Fort Worth. It has been such a great move that God orchestrated to get us here.

My cell doesn't work inside the school building, and several voice mails popped up immediately. One got my full attention. Please call your medical oncologist right away. Somehow, I got through to her nurse at 5:15pm on Friday. "Your results on the Oncotype came back low ----BUT, the low score didn't matter to this medical oncologist. Your oncologist will talk with you about having chemo. So, I'm back to the chemo mode again.

My beautiful God is not playing a game of cat-and-mouse with me. He has not sent cancer to teach me some lessons. Doesn't work that way even though we sometimes reduce the mystery to lessons learned. Sure, we'll learn a lot but God longs for relationship with me and it's not about getting the lesson down so it won't happen again. Sometimes, people pray for me that I learn all that God is saying so I can be done with it. I hope we all learn much from what He brings our way or allows. But, it's not so it will all work out like I hope. Not so. That is not what I believe God is up to in this world. I can't manage my life. HE is my Manager. I can't reduce the mystery of a beautiful uncreated God to what I can understand and manage. I live for Him and Him alone. Our obedience to Him and His word is not a fixed guarantee that everything will work out like I want in this life. God seems to define joy differently than we do in this world.

Tomorrow I am going to MD Anderson for a second opinion in all of this. The surgical pathology report has come back wrong twice according to my oncologists. So I had the cancerous tumor sent to MDA. Please pray for God's peace and wisdom. There are several appointments set up at MDA Hospital for all day Monday and Tuesday. Then I have 3 oncologist appts. here on Wednesday and Thursday. I'll probably stay with Annette in Houston. She will be out-of-town on Monday. I will be at MDA by myself on Monday. If any of you Houston siestas can drop by the hospital for a moment, text me. I believe Annette will be there with me for some part of Tuesday.

We've been going through a bible study with some friends. It has meant much to me during these moments. The author was talking about how we can discern if we are living self-obsessed in our conversations and actions---how is this affecting ME? OR, are we truly livng a life of God-obsession. We all so desire that! He said there are three marks of God-obsession in our lives.

1. Personal pain is seen as our friend. God uses pain to wean us from self-obsession and to move us to God-obsession. Sounds like James 1 - count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Throw a party. So do I see my pain this day as my friend or my enemy?

2. Life going well is not my source of joy. Life going well is dangerous at times. Blessings can be enjoyed, celebrated and shared but never required as our source of joy. HE and HE alone is our joy.

3. What I feel like, felt desire, is my guide---No, Only desire for God’s glory, informed by Scripture, is a sure guide.

Well, I am going to keep on knocking on His Door in my dark nights over here. Hosea 2:14---HE is speaking tenderly to me. He has allured me into this wilderness. But the best part of it all is that HE has given me a door of hope and I'm walking through, no matter what. So am I SAFE? You bet I am! My Holy Spirit, the Holy Umpire, rules my heart and my peace comes from Him. Where I'm not living that out, HE will over-rule all over me. Col. 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule (umpire) your heart."

And would you please go knock on His Door and ask Him once again that I do not have to have chemo?

Remember the quote in The Chronicles of Narnia? He's a good God, but He's not safe. He is my good God no matter which way this turns. So, am I safe? This I know, I am carried by a God Who loves me so. My Love to All

Carried on a Mat by You

As I awaited my surgical pathology report, John 14:16 jumped out at me. Can't get it off my mind. Jesus already asked the Father to give me "another Helper." I have that Helper, that Advocate, that Counselor. Means the world to me where I am this moment. You see, when you go through cancer, you are your own advocate---there is not one doctor who is looking over my care. You manage your own care. My specialists don't really communicate with each other. So I have this gigantic pink file that I carry with me everywhere I go containing every pathology report, every scan, every doctor's report. Some want to see them; some don't.

My doctor visits on Wednesday were not encouraging to me but I am not looking for good news to be my encouragement---the God of all Hope is my encouragement. Phil 2:1. And sometimes things are not going to fall like the way I want it to fall. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday didn't fall right to an onlooker's stare. But my God was right there in all of the news and He has just picked me up and carried me through this---just like I am on that "mat" being lowered down through the ceiling by some of you holding me tight. He is here! And He is a good God, no matter what!

So, here's the prognosis:
The hospital's surgical pathology report was wrong. They inaccurately measured the cancer in my lymph node as 3.4cm, an aggregate measure. You are supposed to measure individual focii. The surgeon corrected them and they did it again and it's wrong again according to the medical oncologist. Both of my doctors did not ask for a third opinion. So, I went to M.D. Anderson for a third opinion and am waiting for the surgical pathology reports as MDA has the cancerous tumor tissues and will get back with me.
My surgeon didn't get all of the cancer --- she missed it by .20mm --- that's microscopic. Couldn't even see it. She cannot do surgery for 3 more weeks. That means the PEM scan will be two months old and they will not do another one---the guide where to cut out microscopic cancer. We trust a God Unseen in all of this. Surgery is scheduled for June 9th.
The medical oncologist believes that since the cancer in my lymph nodes is under 2.0cm---it is 1.2cm, that she can wait for the oncotype DX test assay to come back June 3rd. If I score low----11 or under on a scale of 1 to 100, then there will be no chemo according to the med oncologist. The surgeon thinks that the cancer cells should measure less than .20cm or you need chemo. But the final say is with the med oncologist. So much is so unexact. And there WAS cancer in my lymph node and you can't minimize that, even if it was 1.2cm.

So, we are waiting for the June 3rd Oncotype DX assay to come back LOW. Please pray that God intervenes and it's a low score. He wants us to ask and leave the results in His lap.
And I'm waiting for June 9th for yet another surgery.
But more than all that, I am pursuing every avenue God opens up to deal with my present moments. Eph 6:12 says there are "powers over this present darkness" and my sweet Jesus has prayed for me for these moments in my life as I read John 17---Jesus Himself prayed for our protection from the Evil One. I am so alive in HIM and so stirred in my soul to find HIM. He must increase and I must decrease.

No way I can do any of this cancer journey on my own nor without your help, your prayers. And, the most encouraging thing to me is that I have Another Helper, Another Counselor. I have so much hope! And each of you gives me courage by your comments, your e-mails, your texts. I wish I could respond to each of you but I cannot. This week alone, I received 1,000 hits on my blog and I haven't even read anything on my Facebook yet but I know there's a lot. Again, God stirs up my faith and gives me courage from your comments. Thank you from the bottom of my hurting heart. I am being carried on a mat by you!

Holding on to my husband's feet. Clutching for my good God's Hand

I don't know how I missed the doctor's phone call. The cell has been on my lap all day. But I missed it. Four hours later, I listened to my voice mails. My surgeon left a message that said that the pathology report was back.... and it wasn't good news. There was cancer in the lymph nodes. She also said that there were not clear margins---more cancer needs to be removed. More surgery. It was definitely not what the doctor expected to find with the pathology of my biopsy. It's rare with what I had that they expected to find any more cancer.

Isaiah 63:9 came right away...in all my distress, He was distressed and the angel of His Presence is here. In His Love, HE is redeeming me, lifting me up, and carrying me all the days of my life. HE has carried me to this day. He will carry me through yet another surgery. It's the last thing I want. I woke up while I was in the operating room and holding room and it was such a sinking slipping feeling. But, my God so brought me through it. And I'm doing well. I will trust Him even in this nightmare.

"I pleaded with the LORD this should leave me but HE said to me: My Grace is Sufficient for you." I will find what that really means in all of this. Chemo is the last thing I wanted. He is my good God in the midst of this horror. I will praise Him at all times. His praise will be on my mouth. He knows. He understands. He is here. Psalm 62: My soul, find REST in God alone, not in good news or bad news. HE is my Fortress and I will not be shaken. But I am. Trust in HIM at all times, even this moment. Pour out your heart to HIM. I am.

Where do I buy bread tonight? There is a boy who has 5 loaves and 2 fish. John 6:5-9. God can take what little I have this night and make something of it. For Him.

I will wrestle with this and find Him. I appreciate so much your praying for wisdom as I meet with my doctors tomorrow. I may be too honest for some of you. I'll face my fears and won't stay there. But I am in this present moment where I am on the floor holding on to my husband's feet sobbing and praying to hear the beautiful God I so adore and love. I've thought a lot this day about Mary washing His Feet with her tears. But, my tears are all over HIM this night in my sadness. I do love Him so.

I meet with my surgeon at 9:30am and my medical oncologist at 12:30pm. He is My Glory and the Lifter of My Head. Psalm 3:3.

150cc of The Holy Spirit

I'm sitting on my front porch in the midst of my impatiens, begonias, kolanchoes, and tropical hibiscus eating Ezekiel bread dipped in kidney beans (hmmm). I'm alive and well. Surgery could not have gone any better.

Flashback to Thursday:
The IV drip stingingly soared in scary seconds through the veins in my hand and I thought of Psalm 16:8---"The Lord is at my right hand and I will not be shaken." I felt a rush of panic. Be still, o my soul. My pastor and husband were praying for me. And I wrestled with what it meant to "be still" Psalm 46:10 in the moment I had dreaded. Of course, it's way more than being physically still. It's quieting my soul to know that a good God is in charge of me. I refuse to doubt His goodness no matter what happens---and I'll continue wrestling with that one. A wave of peace hit me head to toe and I asked for the name of the meds they were pumping in the IV. Can it be put in a capsule? The nurse responded: "Nothing is being administered to you." The pastor responded: "You just got 150cc of the Holy Spirit." God did so many things for me during the surgery and recovery that I can't even relate it all. My Ever-Present Help in trouble Psalm 46:1, even in my trip to the emergency room in the wee hours of Sunday morning in severe pain---even when our earth gives way. Still experiencing some significant side effects, so please pray for that to resolve.

If I could tell you one verse that God did for me through my cancer surgery and recovery, it was 2Chron 20:30 - I will give you REST on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. There were a couple of things that happened that unnerved me during surgery, but I really saw Jer. 17:7 that God was "My Confidence" when things didn't go just right. And all I have to say is that HE did Isa 63:9 - He lifted me up and He carried me through a tough surgery for me. And I so want to trust Him to do it again and again, as we await the results of the pathology reports which will determine the protocol of radiation and/or chemo.

So this is what I am waiting on:
1. Psalm 27: 13-14 - the Goodness of my near God.
2. Pathology Results on both cancerous tumor and invasive mass (should arrive anytime Tuesday or Wednesday). At that point, my medical oncologist, radiation oncologist and breast surgeon will together decide their "next step" and present it to me. You make your own decisions---that so surprised me.
3. Oncotype DX Breast Cancer Assay - Results will come in 10 days or so...it's a lab test that analyzes the expression level of 21 genes in both tumors they removed. I believe it is the only gene expression test in the country that predicts a patient’s likelihood to benefit from chemo as well as predict a recurrence rate. So now, I'm learning about genomics: how my own network of genes has influenced the tumor's biology and behavior. The human genome.
4. BRCA1 and BRCA2 Genetic Testing results: Should take six weeks. Genetic testing that looks for mutations in my chromosomes and is a predictor of the benefits of chemo therapy.
5. Back to #1---Still waiting on God.

Not waiting on any test results. Not waiting on any man. We all are waiting on our beautiful God to show up in our next moments. And you know what----He's here. Always knocking on the door of our hearts waiting for us to say, Come on in, My Beautiful Friend, my God. He's just waiting to hear us say that! I hope I don't miss the knock on my door today!

I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and thoughts and words to our family. You have been like His Voice to me. My children's teachers. Bloggers I've never met. High school kids who really love. Faithful friends from days long gone by. Loyal friends who are carrying me through this. We don't even know how to navigate your streets, dear Austin, TEXAS, but your people have embraced us like we've walked this worn path together forever. And I believe it's cause of the One who walks in your midst. Deut 23:14.

Surgery is Tomorrow.............God Promised Me He Will Be There - Psalm 16:8

Just went for my last jog before surgery. Listened to "Healer" by Hillsong. I believe that He's my Healer, yes I do. Surgery is scheduled for 7am tomorrow, Thursday morning. It is a two-hour surgery and they will usher me out of the hospital late afternoon, as soon as I can get up. Should be home for dinner. The procedure is a lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection.

The past 24 hours have been the roughest yet. The radiation oncologist yesterday was way more than decent and so delightful but too graphic. He whisked out the devices he hopes to insert inside of me for one week of radiation (a cutting edge surgical procedure that circumvents seven weeks of daily radiation) and I nearly fainted. No way I can know the protocol until the pathology comes back anyway. A wave of depression came over me that I couldn't shake as I felt I really couldn't handle something steel and so big inside of me. Truth is---maybe I can't. But this I know...my God can give me His Strength.

I called my friend Mindy in California--- sobbing--- and she prayed for me and it lifted a day of depression. And where I have come to camp while I sat yesterday for four hours alone at the hospital was in the story of Jehoshaphat. In 2Chron 20, he was up against all odds. God said: Do not be afraid. I have had four people tell me that God put those words in the Bible 365 times. He knows we are afraid. The battle is not yours, but God's. I don't have to fight cancer. My body will fight the cancer. My God will fight for me. Stand firm. The LORD will be with me as I check into the hospital in 24 hours at 5:30am on Thursday.

2Chron 20:20 says: have faith in the LORD and you will be upheld. I feel like HE has held me tight through this five-week journey. Many of you have been through far worse. But what I face is real and God is giving peace in the midst. In the last verse of chapter 20, God writes that HE gave Jehoshaphat "rest on every side." As I turned on my computer just now, I allowed myself to read one e-mail. It was from Gary---the story of Jehoshaphat. 2 Chron 20---the battle is not yours, but God's. It's been like that this whole five weeks. Everywhere I turn, the hand of God toward me. Over 3,000 verses and it seems HE keeps speaking the same ones from different mouths.

You have been so kind and gracious and encouraging to me. Your words mean more to me than you will ever know. I would so love for you to pray for me as I face this surgery:
1. 2 Chron 20:30 - That my beautiful God will give me rest on every side---spiritually, physically, emotionally. May I enter a rest I know not.
2. Psalm 46:1 - That HE will be my ever-present help in my troubles. His Arm is not too short for me. Isaiah 59:1.
3. Isaiah 40:4 - That HE would raise up my every mountain and make low my every hill that I might know Him better in all of this and may HE be glorified.

God has carried me through siestas prayers--- your words, your care, your stories have made me feel like my beautiful God is moving in me and in you. So grateful for a brand new church this year that has embraced us and made us feel like we've been here forever. Overwhelmed with the love of the pastor and elders who have prayed over me and given us so much. How God loves His church. My church has been God's hand to me and I thank you so deeply. Hyde Park Baptist School has so brought God to me too! Even brand new friends named Sarah and Bev have so brought the face of God to me. You all have been so generous with your words and gifts and compassion. God sees what you have done for our family.

And I am so grateful to those of you who have been used by God to build the foundation of our lives. We were at Hope Church for 27 years and hold very dear memories of friendship. Galatians 4:19. God used the church to "form Christ in us." We love you all so. And for our dear friends of 21 years at Lake Country Christian School, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and loyalty. And for Card Club---you filled my life with His Beauty. Just so wanted to express my heart of gratitude to all of you who have brought God to me and my family! I prayed for each of these groups this morning. May the kindness of our God continue to lead us all to repentance for He is so worthy. Romans 2:4 Pressing on with you to what HE has called us to. To take hold of that which HE has taken hold of each of us---I want to know Christ just like you do and His Power and the fellowship of His sufferings. Phil 3:10-14. Sounds so spiritual but I'm at the lowest reaching up and looking to touch a hem.

Deeply appreciate your prayers tomorrow as I face the unknown with the One who knows. I'm scared but confident in my God. Jer. 17:7. No worries in a year of drought. Not confident in myself. Just a Mighty God Who loves me so. I'll be smoothing out those hospital bedsheets, welcoming HIM to sit awhile and watch over me. Would you watch and pray too? I need you so. Your moving into my life means so much to me! Holly and Annette---would you keep them updated if I can't.
My Love and Gratitude to each of you, Bev

The Secret Door

I found a secret door this morning and it unlocked for me so many memories of how my beautiful God has set me free from fear. I am alive in ways I have never been before.

I found it! The secret door in front of me reminded me of a book I treasure: A secret door in the back of a wardrobe unlocks while the children are playing in it--- surreptitiously the kids move into a surreal stay frozen in fear that it is "Always Winter and Never Christmas." C.S. Lewis' Narnia novel about this place frozen solid in winter intrigues me so. My secret door is at the apartment complex where we live. One of my neighbors told me that the opening is at the end of the brick wall on the back parking lot. I found the secret passageway this morning. By myself.

I passed through my Narnia secret door around 7:00 am jogging into the Sunday stillness of a hovering morning sky with a manicured tree-lined fruit-filled avenue about three blocks long...and on my Ipod popped up a song about being still before God---I don't know what song it was---I just know I jogged with God down that road. Be still, oh my soul, and know that HE is God this day and Thursday (the day the surgeon removes both of the cancers that rage in my body) and every day that follows. HE holds my every moment.

And my God so spoke to me through Psalm 46:10. I don't have to fight anything. My God is fighting for me. It's HIS battle not mine. Right Julie? Julie knows 2 Chron 20:15 as she watched liver cancer take over her toddler who is now a teen. 2 Chron 20:15 is the verse Julie sent me in a text that has meant much to me in this battle. Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah were surrounded by fear---a vast army coming against them.

2 Chron 20: 2 J. and the people sought help from God not from their own resources, not their own strength, not even the power of their own words.
2 Chron 20:12 We have no power, we don't know what to do but our eyes are on God.
2 Chron 20:15 Don't be afraid for the battle is not yours, but God's.
2 Chron 20:17 Stand firm and the LORD will be with you.

Friday afternoon at 3:00pm I hit an all-time low since I've learned I had cancer. The fainting spells in the middle of the night while recumbent have just petrified me. I've been doing so well trusting a good God in the midst of horror sometimes. But, on Friday, I was frozen in fear for about two hours. Sobbing on the floor of my bathroom crying out to my God. The cardiologist this week said it was seizures and sent me on to a neurologist. I know some of you are thinking you have been through far worse and I'm sure you have. All I know is that as I cried out to my God on Friday, HE lifted that veil that clouded my mind and shifted me to a peace I knew not about 5:00pm. A strange peace settled on me as we drove to one more doctor's appointment.

I went in at 5:30pm Friday to a nutrition oncologist appointment thinking I would be handed a grocery list of items to buy and impact my bland unpopular diet even further. But what happened was this...I met with a doctor who had prayed Jer 33:3 for me before I went in. And God so showed up in that doctor's visit. The information I received from this doctor surpassed anything I've heard yet from any doctor. Really. No one has a corner on the market on truth except God. But, this doctor gave me hope for the vaso-vagal syncopal episodes that I have explaining what he believed was happening and I think he is right. He took me seriously. He didn't put in my hand a prescription to see a psychiatrist like one of my oncologists did just because of my histrionic background. I don't presume to know all that is going on, but it was one of those God moments for me---he even gave me one change in my diet that helped me immediately----last night I slept for seven hours with no sleeping meds. First time since April 7th when I learned that I had cancer. I even took a nap this Mother's Day and it was so sweet.

I didn't expect to find God at the nutrition oncologist's office but HE was there. And, actually, I found Him in the car on the way there as we were stuck in Austin five o'clock traffic. The nutritionist asked me to come back again tomorrow for another appointment. He has a six-month waiting list but a friend got me in. I now know why. Unbelievable is all I can say!

I'll also be doing my pre-op tomorrow, as well, at the hospital, and meeting with my anesthesiologist. And I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow and that's a very important one. Yes, I'm scared but the battle is HIS. And HE is so carrying me through this. Deeply appreciate your prayers for these 3 doctor appointments tomorrow.

My Prayer Request:
2 Chron 20:15 - that I would not choose to live in fear. My nutrition doctor told me to pray that my tried-and-true white blood cells would find and fight to take over the young cancer cells. And I pray that I will learn better how to step aside moment by moment and let my God fight my battles.

So whatever you face on this Mother's Day, may you know deep in your heart, that your God is right there with you saying: "Come closer." You have been loved for a very long time---Genesis 1:1 is where it all started. You were in His mind, His heart. As many of you love on your moms and your children this day, may you know how loved you really are! He loves you so! Happy Mother's Day!

I Will Rise

I will rise! Oh yes, I will. One day and this day. Rise to praise His Name. Rise to bring Him pleasure. Rise to love, live, and linger. A package came this weekend from a blogger who has invaded my heart and life. She's the one who drove here a couple of weeks ago to bring me quiche and take me to the Sunset Capital of Texas, The Oasis. If I could bring up a picture, I would, but you'll have to go to Annette's blog to find the Austin sunset. I'm helpless tonight to add a pic. Inside the package was like Christmas. Remember the quote from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe??
Always Winter, Never Christmas."
But when Aslan comes....all wrongs made right. Aslan is on the move.
And HE is on the move in my life. No longer winter.
I had prayed for the song "I Will Rise" (kind of an odd request---to pray for one song), and I thought maybe I would get a CD or find the CD----didn't even know who sang the song. I can't download from ITunes cause we are blocked for whatever reason. There it was in the box from the blogger on a brand new Ipod. "I WILL RISE." She had downloaded some songs for me and that song was staring me in the face. I literally fell to my face and shouted to my LORD I was so thrilled. And I was out the door to Town Lake. I ran the 3-mile loop around Lady Bird Lake without stopping listening to songs I had never heard before like Bebo Norman's "I Will Lift My Eyes." First time ever in my life I jogged 3 miles! I've been walking 2 hours every day and doing a one-mile jog on the treadmill every single day since the day we learned that I have cancer, April 7th. It finally kicked in and today's my 5th day of jogging 3 miles----if you knew me, you'd be giving me a standing "O." Exercise has not been my forte. I may be in an athletic family but I hold the signs when they do the marathons and triathlons.

But, way more than that my beautiful God is so on the move in my life through this cancer journey. HE is so near---His beloved needs HIM so! He hears me.
The Healer of my soul!
"I Will Lift My Eyes to the Maker of the Mountains I Can't Climb."
"I Will Lift My Eyes to my Healer of the hurts I hold inside."
(That's Bebo Norman!)
Yes, God holds my right hand. And it's not about how hard I hold on to Him. He's got me tight and HE will never ever let me go." No one can snatch me out of His Hand.

Some days, the news is good. Some days, it's not what I wanted to hear. The PEM scan pathology report showed that the tumors have high metabolic activity---not good, and I have to wait until May 14th for surgery. But His Peace pervades. Never wanted to wait six weeks for surgery. But, I trust in God, not in man and man's decisions.

Went to the cardiologist today as I am still having difficulty with fainting in the middle of the night. EKG was perfect. No problem there---cleared for surgery. The doctor's diagnosis: seizures---and so I'm being sent to a neurologist. I can't sleep longer than four hours each night. My insurance company (and I won't say their name) will not approve the medicine that my doctors have prescribed to help me. I didn't know insurance companies could do that. They've never examined me or even seen me. Every day since April 20th, I call this no-name insurance company and ask them to please remove the denial. I even ask them for forgiveness when I get angry with them. Had to go back to my CVS pharmacist and apologize to her when I first heard that they wouldn't approve the common medication I needed. Angry words spilled out of my mouth that I regretted saying to her. I gave her a piece of my mind. She quickly forgave me. Most of her customers aren't asking forgiveness. And it's all because it is the kindness of my beautiful God that continues to lead me to repentance. Romans 2:4.

I so want to deal with the stuff in my heart and find better places. I so want to praise HIM this night and not ask for a thing. I want to draw near to HIM more than I want to be healed, more than I want stuff to work out for me. So, I'll linger in this moment knowing that only God could be taking away my fears. I will fear no evil for HE is with me. Moment by moment. That's all I can live by. HE meets me in my weakness. It's not about how strong I am. One thing HE said but I heard TWO THINGS:
He is Strong.
He is Loving. Psalm 62: 11,12
He loves you so!

Cannot thank you enough for your comments, e-mail's, texts, and calls. I cannot respond to all of them since I am working full-time teaching through May 13th and nights are filled with kids and ministry and two-hours of exercise and life. Your words to me are signposts and sweet fragrances of the ONE we all love. 2Cor 2:14. Thank you from the bottom of my healthy heart!

Hurry to Remember He's Faithful - Joshua 4:10

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and before I could blink, tears spilled out of my eyes. My waking thought: "I am a lousy Christian. I am fainting in the middle of the night and can't stop the fainting." Where did that thought come from? Not God.

I am going to put my prayer requests right here cause this post is way too long. I can type as fast as I think, sort of. I'll try to make them shorter in the future (lol---that may never happen.)

Prayer Requests:
1. Pray Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous in the midst of fainting and upcoming surgery May 14th. Don't be terrified for the LORD will be with you.
2. Pray Numbers 13:33. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes. Pray I will be kind to myself, not beating myself up over what I have done or not done, said or not said.

I Sam 30:15 says David encouraged himself in the LORD. Being that there was no one awake to encourage me at 4:45am, I prayed and listened and wept. And my precious LORD said to me: Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Yes I do!!!! And, all I want right now is to know Him better.

He didn't send cancer to teach me a lesson. I may learn a whole lot better how to love. But He just wants me. And He loves me so....whether I am unconscious or awake. It's not up to me how tight I am holding His Hand. HE is holding me so tight as He carries me through this. HE is holding me together - Col 1:17....and I can't be any more grateful to HIM and to each of you for bringing my God to me! Thank you so much for all your comments and texts and calls. EXCEPT, my cell phone has been broken all week. So I bought a new one but it doesn't work. Then I lost my computer yesterday! And we are down to one car----two cars broke....hmmm. No phone, no computer, no car----sounds like the 1800's.

Had 3 doctor appointments today. My surgeon dispersed the multitude of PEM images and mapped out my surgery and it is scheduled for Thursday May 14th. Lumpectomy and sentenal node dissection. Stage 1. Saw the Radiation Oncologist and he is hopeful they can get clear margins and no lymph node involvement. Radiation for 7 weeks or possibly I could be a candidate for MammoSite. All depends on pathology of tumor---I have two cancers in same quadrant. I did have a 30-second outburst of tears cause I wanted surgery SOONER. But, I'll trust His timing and wait. Radiation oncologist talked about putting gold seeds inside a balloon inside of me (MammoSite) to which Britt replies: "Gold! We can sell Mom on eBay." Oh the precious boy has entertaining wit! You just have to keep a sense of humor in the midst of going to three very serious doctors in one day---they are all my new bff's. My non-bff insurance company (I won't mention their name) has refused for 14 days to fill the control-released prescription the doctor ordered to help me sleep through the night. I've never taken anything before to help me sleep but I'm desperate. I can only sleep about 4 hours. It will cost the insurance group more if they continue to dig in their feet cause I have been instructed to go to the hospital the next time I faint. I have to see a cardiologist to get clearance for surgery. Also visited with the geneticist. My dad died of colon cancer on the morning that my mother went in for a mastectomy for breast cancer. I crawled in the bed with him and held him tight as he passed knowing his wife of 50 plus years would never hold him again.

God is so carrying me through this. All I can do is live for today----sufficient for today is the little troubles we have this day like lost computers and broken cell phones and much bigger issues of life. If I start thinking about tomorrow, God pulls me back to this moment. I need to take care of myself right now----less stress. So I'm off to bed. I'll read a little more of His Word. Read this morning about God parting the Jordan River for the people and in Joshua 4:10 how the people HURRIED to go back into that parted river and pick up some rocks to remember the faithfulness of their beautiful God. And so I'll pile high my rocks of remembrance of His faithfulness from days gone by to this very experience of cancer. I can't make it through this without HIM. Just can't do it. So, I'll enjoy this moment, this day as I encounter those who were in His mind before the beginning of the world. And I hope I treat them with dignity and grace even in our little controversies. All my new bff's that I'll be spending the next several months with battling cancer.

Still working fulltime. And remember, I have no phone and no computer and no car (it's in the shop). So if I don't respond, if I don't show up---you know why. And I will try to be a little kinder to myself and stop calling "me" names like lousy. I may be a mess at times but I am a glorious mess. Pray that I deal with my own heart like Caleb and Joshua did and let others have their own opinions and give them space. Deeply appreciate your prayers.

Bless you my friends. I'm scared facing surgery and the nighttime fainting is scary too. But HE knows. Yes, HE knows all of our suffering. Job 36:15 ---and HE is speaking to all of us in all our affliction.

A Raging River

Simply overwhelmed in Austin, Texas with beautiful texts, e-mails, and cards. My beautiful God is carrying me through the comfort you offer me----and it's cause you've been comforted by HIM. 2 Cor 1:4. It means so much. I wish I could respond individually but with working fulltime and multiple doctor visits, it's not possible. But know this, I read every word and thank God for each of you and all your kindnesses.

Lake Country sent the most beautiful arrangement of flowers and I wept. Kristen W's comments touch such deep places in my heart. Sue S. sent the most gripping letter! When I arrived home tonight from being out of town there was the most creative edible adorable fruit arrangement from my precious friend Deborah & Ken in FW. There's a blogger who has mailed me the sweetest cutest cards ever and I don't even know her. Annette dropped by from Houston to bring the best quiche and a casserole of courage that made me literally fall to the ground and sob. Shauna sent a mug of memories of how God healed us together. Janie and Staci came and cleaned my apartment while I was being radiated. A friend called tonight to help us try to get our car fixed. Cindy F. took me to her house with a dinner waiting for me. I'm being swept away...and it's your words that are sweeping me off my feet as I am so madly in love with the ONE Whom we all adore and live for. I deeply appreciate if you comment here----it really means a lot to me! Even if it's just a word or two. We are so new to Austin. In Fort Worth, we would know what doctors to go to and it would be a safe haven. But, I have to say, we know with all our heart God has called us to Southwest Hills Community Church and it's the best place we could be and one of the best things that has happened to us. Our church has so embraced us and we couldn't be more grateful for that!

I really am desperate for your prayers this Sunday evening:
1) Phil 4:11 - Contentment. "I've learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in." I want to praise my beautiful God whether in plenty or in want. Whether it's good news or bad. Whether it's working for me or not.
2) Joshua 4:10 - Fear God. The Hand of our God is powerful and I must fear HIM and not fear for my health, fear for my life. Oh my soul---HURRY to remember all what my God has done for me!

It happened again on Friday night at 1:45a.m. I fainted in my sleep and then went into a panic attack or seizure. It happens like this....I am awakened and immediately feel a sinking terrifying feeling like my blood pressure has dropped considerably. It is horrifying and I faint right there in the bed. If I try to get up, I faint again. But I pray and my body settles down and I fall back asleep. It's actually the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced. It has happened to me 4 times since I have been diagnosed with cancer---only in the middle of the night. Please pray for me as I am seeing several doctors for the episodes and I believe it has to do with low blood pressure and stress. It's never happened in the daytime. Nine doctors so far haven't been able to help so I'm looking for a neurologist and a heart doctor.

The fainting episode happened Friday night while I was on a retreat with Austin Christian Fellowship. 18 women in my cabin offered me their love and compassion. Kind of hard fainting on your new friends. My new BFF Brooke graciously scooped me up to attend the most amazing weekend retreat. Let me end this post with telling you one special moment for me that happened there. On the way down there, God said to me: "I am the River." We had just passed LBJ lake and I didn't think too much about it again until Kay Morrison told about a dream that one of her staffers had that went something like this: He fell into a raging river---tumultuous torrents swept him helplessly downstream til he found a ladder much like a pool ladder that he viciously grabbed for dear life and climbed to safety---a dry land. He asked the LORD the next morning what HE was saying to Him. God said: I am the River. Kay asked us to take a walk with the LORD for 20 minutes and listen to what HE had to say. I walked down one of the Camp Buckner trails to a dried up creekbed and stood on the rocks where the water used to rush. I thought: it feels pretty safe on a dry river but it's not safe in the raging river I've been thrown in. And my beautiful God said to me: "I am your River." And HE will hold my hand and never let go in the river that rages around me. Fainting episodes. Bad news. Whatever life holds. He is a good God in that raging river. And NO ONE can snatch me out of His Hand---John 10:28--- whether the River rages or rises or recedes. If God is for us, who is against us? Rom 8:31. Height nor depth---nothing can separate us from His Love. Rom. 8:39.

I work fulltime this week but on Wednesday I have three doctor appointments. If any of you Austinites can take me to a 10:00am and/or 1:00pm and/or 3pm appointment, TEXT me and let me know. I'm without a car right now. You would need to pick me up, wait in the office, and drive me back home. We have been down to one car. On the day that I was diagnosed with cancer, our car broke down (so we have one car for 3 drivers) and I was also let go from my editorial part-time job due to the economy. I don't want to let my circumstances determine my enjoyment of my God and the life He gives each day. One thing that is changing for me is that I am living one day at a time, even one moment at a time.

So grateful to each of you for your prayers----you just have no idea!!! And to my husband and children---their prayers and support will carry me through this. I announced the big announcement on FACEBOOK that Barrett proposed to the love of his life, his sweet Lauren. And we are so excited to have a future daughter-in-law that is truly one of the sweetest girls you can ever know. I just hope I have hair for the wedding!

A Raging River. I am the River. I hold your Right Hand and you will not be shaken. He's a good God, but He's not safe---remember that quote from C. S. Lewis??

My love to each of you.

HE is at my right hand------------------------------------the one with the IV in it!

Carried on a Cloud...that's how I felt walking into the PEM Scan on Friday. Handed the doctor my left arm and they said: "Oh no, it must be in your right." And God spoke to me through the verses I had just read in my Quiet Time that morning...Psalm 16: 7,8 HE will counsel me. Even at night (when I have no control) my heart instructs me. Because HE is at my right Hand, I will not be shaken. And I can honestly say that the Presence of the beautiful God I so serve and love overwhelmed me in that scary I-V moment handing over my right arm. HE was there. I made it through 40 minutes in a mammogram machine without moving and that's a miracle in itself....I cranked up the IPOD real loud to drown out the noise and just randomly scanned through my playlist and up popped Beth Moore talking about how God says 365 times DO NOT BE AFRAID and she said there's a reason why He said it so many time. (hey, that's one for every day of the year!) Beth talked about how HE KNOWS the scary things we face. He spoke such peace to my claustrophobic soul in that mammogram machine, frozen for forty minutes. Then I listened to a Dan Allender sermon about embracing damage and harm in a fallen world and embracing our good God Who is inviting me to rest in His Love and Comfort. Then I rocked out on Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. The radiologist told me that as she put on her glove, she asked God's hand to be in her hand. And she gave me a good word---God wants you to know that HE used mud to heal the blind man----God used human agents so trust HIM through them. Whew! The PEM Scan was over but I had made one more choice to move to my beautiful God and not be in control of my own life. This "control issue" is big for me. And as I moved toward HIM, I so sensed His Presence right there at my right hand. The RESULTS of the PEM Scan came back this Monday. The tumor is 1.3cm but the larger mass that has metastasized is 1.2 X 1.3 X 1.2---little larger than I expected. Surgery was supposed to be May 3rd but my doctor is out of town and the nurse thinks she is booked through May 14th. And I think I can't wait that long!

Kid in a Candy Shop...that's how I feel sometimes. So many choices of what I "want." And the candy shopowner says "Which ONE do you want?" God, I "want" the best doctors. God, I "want" all the cancer to be ripped out of my body. God, I "want" friends to walk with me through this. God, I "want" to know the best plan to take care of my body. God, I "want" good news. So, I vacillate among my wants and it produces no inner peace if the wants are not met. I keep thinking about Francis Schaeffer's comment when his body was ridden with cancer and someone inquired about whether God was healing him. He responded that it was entirely unbecoming to demand anything in the face of God----I'm remembering that quote from reading "How Should We Then Live" in 1975 so I may have it wrong. Thirty four years I've held that quote in my memory bank. The key word is "DEMAND." God is not my Shopowner. God is not my Butler. God is not my Santa Claus. He's the Great "I AM." I am your peace. I am your joy. Way down deep, HE is stirring in me a deeper inner Joy, a deeper inner Peace----not based on my circumstances....not based on when the news is good, when the news is bad. And YES, we can ask HIM for anything. Lay all my requests on His Lap. Lay my head on that empty chair next to me. HE is here. HE is bending His ear. Oh my soul, don't linger on the list of wants, but find the Great I AM in the midst of this. Don't try to figure it all out. Move forward, oh my soul, to find that inner peace, inner joy that isn't ruffled by the news of the day. He Himself is our Peace. Ephesians 2:14.

Hamster in a Cage...Know how sometimes they just run around in circles? I'm trying to put together 9 doctors in one week on my cancer team. Some don't return your calls. Some look at you like you are crazy. I cross them off the list. I get down and pray some more that God leads me to the right ones. When I walked into the office of the medical oncologist on Monday, I was the first appointment of the day. There were 60 empty chairs on the 1st floor and 60 empty chairs on the 2nd floor. I wept over the stories that would sit in those soon-to-be-filled chairs that day. I had no idea so many people wrestle with cancer. No IDEA. I walked around touching the empty chairs and praying for HOPE to come through their veins, their minds, their hearts. And my mind raced ahead to the day that I will sit there waiting for my treatment of radiation or chemo wrestling not with cancer but wrestling with my beautiful God Who will carry me through as I face futile moments. The only real futility in life is a day without God. Futility may increase but His Joy will increase too. Chaos may come but His Peace will pervade---and a verse comes to mind Heb 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE (future) we profess, for HE Who promised is faithful (just look at the past). I'll continue to move toward God and move toward those who are "missing" my heart and offer love. People have some really strange explanations of why we suffer and say some crazy things. We want to protect God's reputation---how ludicrous. Jesus Himself grappled with the agony of this life and how people treated him. But when we move toward Him and away from being in control and fixing our problems and solving every dilemma, then we move into LIGHT. I refuse to stay in the hamster trail even though the move ahead may be lonely.

So I'm still scared to pieces over here. And HE keeps sending people and verses and things to say "Fear Not." A siesta blogger from Houston drove to see me yesterday to bring me a homemade quiche and hope and courage. Guess Which Siesta? I'll blog about it next time as this is way too long. I can't thank you enough for all your cards and texts and e-mails and comments. God is using you to carry me through this. I am having to work full-time so I can't respond to every call, every message but I hear them and hold them close to my heavy heart. Can I ask you to pray two things for me?

1. Isaiah 40:2 that HE raise up my valleys (still can't sleep at night) and make my mountains low (still terrified of anesthesia) that HE may be glorified!

2. James 4:8 that I draw near to God and HE draws near to me. What do I want more than drawing near to my beautiful God? Do I want to be healed more than drawing near to HIM? Do I want what I want when I want it? May I want nothing more than drawing near to God.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Desperate for prayer this Thursday evening. Been dealing with crashing waves of overwhelming fear of the unknown. It's the evening watch that is getting to me. Nighttime terrors. I have no words to say how much your prayers have meant to me. I have no words to say how much your words sink deep into places in my heart and make me wrestle with the beautiful God I so worship.

TWO PRAYERS REQUESTS:

1.) MAY OUR PRAYERS MOVE THE HANDS OF GOD. Could God change HIS mind about this cancer stuff? Pray 2 Chron 33:12,13 - "And when Manasseh was in distress, he entreated the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before God. He prayed to HIM and God was moved by His prayer and heard his plea and brought him back. Would you pray that God bring me back to health again? I wonder if our prayers might change His mind? And I accept whatever way that HE will do just that. Human agents. Miraculous intervention.

2.) MAY GOD MAKE MY OFFERING GO REALLY FAR.....FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH - John 6:9. I have little to give to my Beautiful God. I can't even surrender right in my terror. Can't stop the panic attacks. My first procedure to prepare for surgery starts tomorrow and I am paralyzed in fear. I'm having a PET Scan and while it may be uneventful for most, I embrace overwhelming fear. Pray that the smallness of what I offer to my good God----pray HE will make it go so far.5:00 am this morning I was awakened in terror. Landed on the floor. Crying out to the beautiful God I so love. Waves of fear washed over me as I lay fainting. Seems so surreal that sweet slumber is stolen and traded for conscious chaos. I forced myself off the floor back into the bed and surrendered, trying to be still in a body that's not cooperating with me....but there was peace that moment (wondered if anyone was praying) and I fell back asleep. Night terrors.

The phone call came in another hour to substitute teach. "Would you give me the strength to do it today, God?" Yes... and I bounded out the bed and so loved every minute of looking into faces of beautiful teens who are searching for their God and finding HIM so real. One student today told me about how he broke up with his girlfriend whom he really liked cause it was interrupting his relationship with his God. I love being with these kids. A few of my son's friends knew I had cancer and privately expressed overwhelming love to me. It was a day of real joy for me.I had a moment of panic after lunch and I slipped into the bathroom to pray and there lay a hymnal on the counter. I opened it straight to the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead" and the tears fell as a balm of peace literally poured over me, Jeremiah 8:22. Yes, there's a balm for the wounded soul. God knows my frame and the machine I've had to drive through this life. He's looking for my faith---and maybe my fledgling faith may be expressed a little different than your strong sure faith. Let me borrow a little from you.

When I went to leave school, overwhelming fears washed over me again, and I walked around the block straight into a secret garden I'd never seen before. Pristine and fragranced and intriguing, I lingered in the garden cause HE brought me there while fresh fallen rain shined on the roses. And I thought of a song from our childhood that Blair and I would sing when she was a preschooler---I went to the garden to pray...and the VOICE I hear falling on my ears, the Son of God....He was there. I could smell Him.

Tomorrow at 7:45 am, I will smooth out the sheets on a bed in a doctor's office on Mo-Pac. I'll invite my beautiful God to sit right there with me. I'll be alone with HIM for a few hours. No one can come in the room with me because of the radioactivity. The procedure is a PET (positron emission tomography) Scan which scans your body for the cancerous tumors and gives the surgeon a map for my upcoming surgery. It will confirm lumpectomy or mastectomy. I'll actually have a PET Scan--- the mammography instead of the full tomography. My surgeon has been the only one in the state that has had the PET Scan. Please pray that I can make it through this scary procedure for me without bolting. It will be through IV that they will inject radioactive compounds called a radiotracer into the cancerous tissue which will absorb and accumulate the tissue faster than healthy tissue----there will be the snapshot of the bad cellular activity on both breasts. PEM reveals size, shape, and location of cancer and it is 90% accurate. I am petrified to inject radioactive compounds into me---just my fears. They say there is not much to it----easy for them to say, ha! You just have to exit their office real quick by the back stairs cause you are RADIOACTIVE for 5 hours and don't stop to talk to women and children...and, uh oh, my blood pressure started rising---you mean I am radioactive? Yes. So you know what to pray ISAIAH 46:10 that I will lie still and be still for the hour by myself in the room with compound injected in me. My radioactive body cannot have anyone holding my hand. My fear is being alone in that room. But no, I'm not alone. So, pray I really know the ONE Who will be right there with me holding my hand! God is going to get me through this!

7:45 AM is IV injection on Friday April 17th. Whew!

Cannot thank you enough for walking through this journey with me. This is humbling for me to admit my weakness. But it's a beautiful God Who meets me in my weakness not in my strengths. You may be bothered because I admitted my fears. You may be bothered because I am having a PET scan to pursue surgery. I have to do what I believe my God is leading me to do. Five loaves and two fish in my hands this night. Not much. May HE make it go very far to feed many through all of us.

Birdseed for Breakfast

I'll remember this glorious Easter for the rest of my life. Cancer diagnosis. Hands held high singing "Jesus Paid It All" and tears streaming down.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness,
WATCH and PRAY,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Here's two prayer requests:

I have very little strength within me to walk this road of cancer. I read Saturday on Beth's blog the quote from Melissa that means so much to me: "He knows it is scary to be me." I have been diagnosed with two different breast cancers and one is an aggressive, invasive one that goes into the bloodstream. Invasive ductal carcinoma. IDC. Don't know the stage or size yet. I do know that I also have Stage 1 DCIS Ductal Carcinoma in Situ. I've learned more in the past 72 hours about cancer than I ever wanted to know. It's overwhelming. You are your own manager of your care pulling together a team of doctors: breast surgeon, oncologist, radiologist oncologist, plastic surgeon (I'm a keloid former) and the list goes on. I'm in a new city, unfamiliar to the Austin medical world. Very familiar to the Great Physician though. I've talked at length with several survivors of breast cancer this weekend. Again, that's overwhelming. I'm on info overload but I am also ignorant in many ways of what this battle involves. All I can do is trust my good God to direct my steps. The battle is His. This morning I read in Psalm 62:11 God spoke one thing but I heard two things: HE is strong. HE is loving. That's what I keep hearing over and over in the cyclone of the past 72 hours. HE will meet me in my weakness. It's not about my strength in being an overcomer, a survivor---it's all about HIS Strength being perfected in weakness. I am so weak this morning. That's a good place to be.

So, my prayer requests for this Monday morning is twofold if God leads you to pray for me:
1. PRAY FOR A TEAM OF DOCTORS (Psalm 1---not the counsel of the wicked but delight in the law of the LORD). Pray for God to lead me to the team of physicians that would be best for me. I am going for second opinions on surgeons---I want to find a surgeon that only does breast surgery. When I learned that my surgeon does gallbladders, I just have to see if God will direct me to one who is only looking at cancer cells all day long.
2. PRAY FOR MY BODY TO BE ABLE TO SURRENDER TO SWEET SLEEP EACH NIGHT (Psalm 92:2). Pray 2Kings 6: 16, 17 that God would open my eyes to see that my beautiful God, my suffering Savior, and comforting Holy Spirit and His host of angels are greater within me than ALL that surrounds me. I need to be able to sleep at night and that's my battle.

I have had waves of debilitating panic come over me this weekend that I cannot even explain. I absolutely refuse to synchronize with anything that is not of my beautiful God Who loves me so. But how do I stop the panic? Friday morning I was awakened with fainting spells, vasovagal syncope. A familiar condition to me. Fainting happens to me in the middle of the night when I haven't been sleeping and/or eating right and am under stress and pain---I am awakened and begin fainting. It is so scary and when I am unconscious and wake up---it feels like I am dying. I spent Friday physically feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck the entire day. It happened again Sunday afternoon as I slipped into depression. Three years ago when we went through a crisis, the fainting started happening all the time and I spiraled into a very deep depression. I am not willing to go there if I can do anything to help on my part by diet and sleeping right and letting God help me deal with this overwhelming stress of the unknown and what is known. We don't know the size of the tumor. Don't know the stage---it's an aggressive invasive type that goes to the bloodstream. Don't know the margins.

So, I'm walking two hours every day. Cancer does not live in oxygenated cells (I read that quote in Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" which I read when it first came out---and it stuck with me.) When I heard cancer, I knew I also needed to start eating right....no sugars, no fast food, no red meats, no artificial stuff, organic and lots of water. That's about all I can handle for right now. I just ate a bowl of boiled oats for breakfast with flaxseed and remarked to Bob: "You put way too much of this bird seed stuff in this---gag." I'll learn how to do this. Cancer feeds on sugar. In the past six months, I have CRAVED sugar for the first time in my life...I know why now.

We are still new to the Austin area but have been embraced by our awesome church body even in this news. It will be best for me to post on this blog, when I can, to ask those of you who want to help me through prayer and those of you who truly want to know about how I am doing---not to judge me but to walk alongside of me as a fellow struggler in life. I just won't be able to return all the e-mail's and texts and comments. In some ways I am by myself in dealing with this. I am open to friends calling and helping me---it will be hard for me to find you but you know where I am. If what I say bothers you, then don't read my blog. This is who I am. Maybe I am wrong in some of the things I write, I don't know. I am trying to find my beautiful God in the midst of my fears. I will listen to my loving LORD. I just know that I love my beautiful God with all my heart and am desperate for Him and His Glory in my life. We are connected to a lot of people and I don't know how else to do this. I have had over 100 phone calls and e-mail's and haven't been able to answer them all. Keep trying if you need to get to me. I was simply overwhelmed in gratitude with the response on my last post. Your comments meant so much to me and I will read them again and again. I had no idea so many people would respond and your words sink in my mind, my thoughts, my heart into deep parts! Psalm 51:6

After our Easter service yesterday, I felt led, actually really compelled, to go to Austin Stone Church. I'm listening to every prompting God says to me! The service ended with "cardboard testimonies" (google "cardboard testimony" if you've never seen it done---it's on Tangle.com, originating from Willow Creek). One breast cancer survivor spoke on this "cardboard testimony" video about being broken and her oncologist was on the video with her. I'm going to check him out. Never imagined that I'd find a doctor referral at an Easter service.

I am terrified at taking medicine, anesthesia, MRI's, surgery---again, if you think I am wrong in saying that, you certainly can tell me, but please be gentle with me---I'm a bruised and brutally honest person and your faith takes you so far. This is all about relationship with the ONE I adore---no fixes. The answer is not about slapping a Scripture verse on my problems. Nor is it about being positive and shoving everything down. I am going to wrestle and find the beautiful God I so love that seems so distant at times even in this, a very dark night of my soul and it's only been 72 hours. It's okay. He's a good God in all my horror, and He's not safe. But, this I know: Psalm 62:11 He is strong in all my weakness and fears and failures. He is loving. He's here. I deeply appreciate your prayers for me if God leads you that way.

WATCH and PRAY with me.
Find in HIM our all in all.

The Invisible Hand

“I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the Goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” Psalm 27: 13, 14. This is a tough post to write but I would so love for you to walk with me on this journey of life... so here goes.

I went for a routine mammogram. Showed a suspicious tumor. They told me to find a surgeon. We don’t even have a regular doctor here in Austin, much less a surgeon as we have lived here such a short time.

Began asking several women who have dealt with breast cancer for recommendations. Five different women recommended the same surgeon with an unusually sophisticated name. Wondered if he took new patients?? Saturday night, Bob and I went to a reception. We were supposed to be at Table 28 but they moved us to Table 32---right next to this surgeon. I took ONE LOOK at his name tag and there was that sophisticated name. I gasped and blurted out: “Are you a surgeon? (Knowing that you don’t talk to doctors at parties about their work!) I thought---I can still encourage the doctor and call his office Monday morning. I told him that five women from five different walks of life had highly recommended him as a surgeon and that he must really honor his God as he so helped these five women and gave them hope. A nurse friend of mine was standing right there and she threw in: “And Bev needs you to be her surgeon.” This doctor graciously offered to serve me. Unbelievable. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I so experienced the presence of God in that moment for me.

Well, I don’t know what the next step is…but I know the One Who holds my hand this night. Today, God gave me the verse 2Chron 20:12 that says: We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on YOU. We were sitting at a banquet in Houston tonight --- Britt was a state finalist in the Prudential Spirit of Community Award and I felt well enough to drive with Bob and Britt to the awards dinner at the Junior League in Houston. (My biopsy was yesterday and it was terribly scary but went well---it was a Psalm 91:11 experience for me.)

Supposedly, we were going to receive the results from the surgeon on Thursday at 2pm. But as I sat watching my son, three different doctors called me during the banquet so I excused myself and took one of the calls. Malignant tumor. Carcinoma. Invasive cancer. Move aggressively. The words you hope you never hear stunned me as I stood in an unfamiliar Junior League hallway. Psalm 27: 13, 14 was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind. I believe I will see the Goodness of God even in this. Help my unbelief. And I thought about how God meets us in our weakness, not in our strength. This isn’t about how strong I can be for myself and for my kids and others. His Strength will be made perfect in all my weaknesses. I can't figure everything out. Some of you may be uncomfortable with what I share but this is who I am. I offer myself to you and I offer my pain to my LORD. No solutions...only a sovereign God Who lavishes Love on me incredibly in all my mess---oh, but what a glorious mess I am over here. His beloved. Marked. Taken. Held. Carried.

I’ve only thought about this for an hour or so. Maybe I'll take back some of these thoughts, maybe not. We are on the way home in the car driving back to Austin. It’s terribly scary. But I can say, Psalm 3:3, HE is the lifter of my head. I’m going to do what I know HE wants and that is remain dependent on HIM and do all I can to take care of this temple He invades. I’ll never drink another coke again. Smile. Small thing---but I sense a higher calling to take care of myself. A wake-up call to take better care. No other way to do this. Cause either I am depending on HIM to come through for me or on myself to be an overcomer, a survivor. And don’t get me wrong here, I’ll do everything I can nutrition and info and diet and exercise to beat it and maintain my health----but, my next breath is dependent on the ONE I so love and adore. No secret or surprise to Him.

So I ask you to pray for me and walk with me on this journey. You guys have meant so much to me. God has used so many of you to touch deep parts within. I welcome any e-mail’s. But more than anything, I’d so love your prayers for me as I face a very scary diagnosis and trust a very good God in the midst. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of my beautiful God---even in this! And, I’ve already seen His Invisible Hand.

You Made a Difference in the Life of A Child

This is the orphanage where Brooke volunteers. This orphanage has a sponsorship program to support orphans to be able to go to school and live with extended family or friends. With the money Britt raised, he was able to sponsor the five children in the photo above for this coming school year (right now is summer break in Thailand). Britt is hoping that he can raise the remaining $400 for the last two orphans who need money to attend school for the year. Let me know if you know of anyone who still wants to send $10 or any donation to help sponsor the last two girls.

Day 8 Brooke wrote on her blog:

T-SHIRTS, TOYS, AND TUITION

"Next we drove about 2 hours away from my house up into the mountains. We went to a tribal village to give out new t-shirts, toys, and snacks to the kids. It was a really fun time. They were soooo grateful for everything. It was a huge blessing for them all to have a new shirt to wear and they loved the Double Bubble gum and DumDum suckers from the States. Britt taught the village kids how to hold and throw an American football, how to jump rope, and how to play Frisbee."

"It was incredible to see their faces light up as they were introduced to new fun games.

I'm so glad Britt was able to see the faces and hear the laughs of these children," wrote Brookie.

And this mom is so grateful to each of you who gave money to send an orphan to school, to provide a t-shirt, and to send footballs and frisbees and food with Britt to a land far away that we will hold very close to our hearts.

A $$THOUSAND$$ Thanks for the part you played in showing God's Love to these children who live in poverty. You have given them hope for a better future. You've left a mark on their little lives. And we cannot thank you enough.

"Anyone who welcomes a little child like this

on My behalf welcomes Me,

and anyone who welcomes Me

welcomes not only Me but also my Father who sent Me." Mark 9:37

2K Zipline Ride through the Rainforest

Brooke's post today took this mom's breath away. Oh my!

Here's what she wrote:

Day 6

This morning began a little after 5 am. Britt and I woke up early to meet the high school volunteer team from Fort Worth. We had a devotion time at the base of a waterfall up on a mountain that overlooks Chiang Mai. The students were able to see that every morning (way before most of them wake up) people begin making offerings. We were able to see monks walk down the mountain toward the city for this morning ritual. People from all different walks of life offer food to them each day in order to receive a blessing in return.

Next part of the morning was at the temple on top of the mountain. A few of our Thai friends who went with us, explained what they were doing as they lit candles, brought flowers, walked around the pagoda, etc. Every time I visit this place, I am reminded of Truth. I am reminded that He is not housed in a temple built by human hands. I am reminded that He does not sleep, but is alive and working in the hearts of those around us.

The afternoon was a fun brother-sister bonding trip! :) We went on an excursion called The Flight of the Gibbon. We ziplined for 2 kilometers through the treetops of the rainforest. As long as you didn't look down (realizing how crazy high we were) it was easy as pie and so fun! (And this mom wants to know----do they do safety inspections??)

(I'm so glad to see my son on solid ground. Whew! Took my breath away!)

Brooke continued: Tomorrow we are going to the orphanage called Baan Kingkaew to donate the money Britt raised to send students to school for one year. Then we will be going out to a hill tribe to play with the kids. This was another fundraiser that Britt did at his school that will provide them with new t-shirts, toys and American candy! :) I pray we will be a blessing to these children and be able to share the hope that is in us.

This is Bev writing: So come back tomorrow to see the pictures of the orphans receiving the money that so many of you sent. I believe Britt raised enough money for six of the seven orphans to attend school. Come back and see the hill tribe children receiving t-shirts and toys that have been provided by so many of you! You have thrilled us so much by giving to people you don't even know! Their lives will be touched deeply because you cared.

Floating Huts and Ele-phants

Day 3
Britt had the awesome opportunity to attend Grace International School today and even go to their workouts. So neat to hear him on my cell last night---half a world away, yet it sounds like he's around the corner. I hope that what he sees will stir his heart ---cause nothing else is worth as much as a disrupted heart.
Day 4
Brookie said it must have been her tenth trip to the Elephant Camp. Britt met up with his high school buddies who are also in Chiang-Mai on a mission trip...here's what Brookie wrote:
"Elephant slobber all over you as they search your pockets for more bananas. Elephants playing soccer. Elephant babies that are absolutely adorable. Elephants that can paint a picture! And the list goes on. I love being with people that get to experience this for the first time. You'll see some fun pics below. The first few are our lunch stop on a lake. The floating huts are my favorite. :) We tried to ride the paddle boats but they said Americans weren't allowed (today at least) because we may sink the boats."

I'm so grateful for Britt to have this amazing opportunity to be out of his comfort zone and to see such need in so many for light and love. It's so good for our kids to see a world bigger than their own little world and its concerns. So good for them to offer hope to others. There's so much more to life than just our world. Life truly is not about "me."

Brooke Just Made Her Mommy Very Happy!

Britt made it to Thailand! Brookie just posted a plethora of pictures on her blog---www.brookebrandon.blogspot.com and made her mommy so happppaaayyyy!!!!! Here's my sweet boy holding a precious Thai boy...
Day One in Thailand for Britt
Brookie just posted: Another Brandon in Thailand!

Here's a few excerpts of what Brooke wrote:
Yesterday morning my little brother Britt (who isn't so little anymore!), came to visit Thailand. We've already done so much in the last 36 hours.... I can't believe he just got here yesterday!


On Day 1 we visited a village about 45 minutes away from the city. My team has spent a lot of time with these Thai friends already... but we are starting a new activity on Saturdays. This was our first one.... going out, playing with kids, telling a story, doing a craft project, and talking with their families. Britt raised money to bring footballs and frisbees to these kids... he and Greg (one of Britt's best friends who now lives in Chiang-Mai) did a great job playing with the kids. We'll go back again next Saturday and leave the toys with the kids... so they can introduce American football to all their friends! :)

DAY 2 in Thailand: Went to church at a children's home called House of Blessing. We had several hours to play with the kids. This is the home where Britt raised $1,200 last year and I was able to give toys, craft supplies, underwear and shoes to all 123 orphans for Christmas. It was a great opportunity for Britt to meet the kids there. We were joined by a high school volunteer team from Texas.... this is the school that I attended all the way from Kindergarten through high school. Britt used to go to the same school as well, up until last year when my family moved to Austin. So, Britt has enjoyed reuniting with some good high school buddies in Thailand. Crazy! They attacked each other in hugs last night when they first saw each other in a local park. :) Enjoy the pics below at the House of Blessing. You'll see the high school team telling some stories for SS and teaching the kids how to make a necklace for a craft.STAY TUNED for more pics this week! :)Posted by Brooke at 9:41 am on her blog:

UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Britt met up with his high school buddies at this orphanage---and they are halfway around the world!

Stay tuned for Brooke to post more pictures every day this week. Thank you so much Brookie!!!!

Spring Break --- throwing footballs in villages

Just received a phone call from Bangkok. The voice on the other end sounded spent. My boy just stepped off the longest air flight of his life. 20 hours from Dallas to Seoul. Torture for a teen traveling solo. Another 3-hour flight to Bangkok. Britt is now a stone's throw from Chiang-Mai, Thailand waiting most of this day in the Bangkok airport---a l-o-n-g layover--- to board that flight.

God opened a door for Britt to travel to Thailand for spring break to personally hand deliver the funds he raised for seven Thai orphans to attend school for one year. Britt's goal was to raise $1,400. He raised $1,397.00 and most of that money came in. He also did a fundraiser at his high school. One day he sold popcorn at lunch and raised $460.00 to buy t-shirts and toys and food for children in the remote villages he will visit. And the little boys in the 5th Grade Bible Study he leads on Mondays donated sporting equipment. He'll throw a lot of footballs this week in villages with no running water and no electricity. He'll teach the kids how to play football. And I'm praying something will happen in his heart as well. I know it will.

He should arrive in beautiful Chiang-Mai in 30 minutes. He doesn't know it but the person picking him up is one of his best 17-year-old friends in the whole world---Greg. Greg's family is volunteering over there for one year. Britt misses his buddy more than words can tell. And he gets to be with him half way around the world. Unbelievable. Our children learn so much when they take risks (oh no, that makes me think of Britt riding on one of those Thai motorcycles---I know he will) and see things bigger than their own little world.

Here's one story of prayer and how God moves even when we don't know that He is. Britt hoped to find fifty people to donate $10 each to buy gifts for these children who literally own nothing. He sent out about 100 notes. One note went to Mindy in California. Mindy was shopping in a supermarket when an unknown gentleman approached her and gave her a coupon for $10 off of her grocery bill. But there was one catch. She had to give the $10 to someone who was doing ministry. Had to promise him she wouldn't spend it. She's never seen the guy before. He didn't know her. And then, a note came from Britt---would you like to donate $10 for t-shirts for Thailand. Mindy's reply: Yes, Britt. I have $10 for you from a man in a supermarket in California. And I think I just better match it.

I know one risk Britt won't take. Eating fried worms and fried crickets. He'll leave that one for his adventuresome sister. That so surprised me that Brooke tried crickets! Britt is leery about eating the normal food! He was concerned about starving! Keep posted to hear about Britt's Thailand trip. So many of you are a part of supporting Britt. And this mom cannot thank you enough!

Britt asked if you would pray two things: 1. Safety 2. Connection with children who speak another language. Did you say language barrier? No, I think they'll be speaking a similar language---the language of love while throwing footballs.

T-Shirts for Thailand

In my attempt to be responsible, I have been trying to work nights as well as full-time teaching and it just is too much so I've take a few steps back. God never intended for me to be consumed in that way. Trusting Him to provide! I've not been able to post in about 4 weeks now. I'll be back soon. Meanwhile, something exciting happened.

God opened a door for Britt to go to Thailand for Spring Break. It's quite unbelievable to me in the midst of where we are. Britt leaves March 12th for Chiang-Mai and will be helping Brooke and her team of friends in two tribal villages and orphanages. Britt will personally deliver tuition money for the orphans and t-shirts/toys for the village children. You may remember that he has been fundraising to send seven orphans to school for one year. Well, he has half of that money raised and needs a few hundred dollars more to deliver it in person.

Britt is looking for 50 people to donate $10 to buy t-shirts & toys for the 50 tribal village children he will get to meet. He'll travel into remote villages with Brooke and bring footballs and frisbees. They've not played football before and he'll teach them---Britt is excited beyond anything I could tell you.
The stark economy is pressing in on all of us but if you can find $10 to donate to spread the kindness and love of Jesus to some really precious kids who have so little, then leave a comment and send it to Britt by PayPal and our user name is:[sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net] or mail it to: 5701 S. MoPac #2012, Austin, TX 78749. Make checks payable to Britt Brandon. Thank you so much for considering this. I don't know if he can find fifty people in just a few days but it's so worth trying.

The Secret Room

The secret room is officially rented out...

We had lived in our home for over a year when my four children (kindergarten, 1st and 3rd graders plus the toddler) came screaming through the front door in total delight. "There's a secret room in our house Mom! Megan just told us." And they all tore up the stairs as I tried to drop the dishes and scurry after them.

You see, there's a pole at the top of the shoe shelf in the closet. Slide the pole and the shelf opens like a door. NO WAY! Of course, the oldest had the honor and the door creaked as it opened wide revealing a huge carpeted study with intercoms and bookshelves and phone jackets and wires coming out of the ceiling. Quaint. Mysterious. We just inherited another bedroom for the little tod. Woohoo!

So many memories of our children's childhood are crammed in my cranium. But as I said farewell to the secret room last week and welcomed a renter in, a few tears slid down knowing that chapter is closed. I so loved my children growing up. Sometimes I feel regret over missing God in the present moments when they were little. The secret door to my heart was locked in fear of what others thought. But, it's unlocked now. I wish I knew then what I know now about being alive in Christ. What can I do about that? I can celebrate for there is hope for my sin and hope for my future. And I can continue to live in the present and deal with the fray of my own heart and I am so very grateful to our good God!

So celebrate this moment whatever those secret doors to your heart reveal for there is hope. So much hope!

Rollicking Ring Ceremony

We waited on God seven years for our baby boy. I lost three babies the year he was born. Britt was a miracle baby as I was in bed most of the pregnancy with problems. I remember touching his toe at his birth to see if he was really alive. And I remember saying, "He's yours, God." He still is! The baby boy grew up overnight and got his senior ring this week. He's at a brand new school since we moved to Austin this fall. He is making lifelong friends and we are so grateful to God for that! Moving during your junior year in high school is hard. But, we want to be where a good God calls us to be. I read Genesis 45:8 this evening---"It's not you who sent me here, but God." God, in His beautiful will and ways, has brought us to the place we are, not to solve all our problems nor help us master all the principles----but to find HIM there. He's here. He has been with us every step of the way. It's not our circumstances that have changed. God has brought us to this place! I so want to gladly surrender to HIM who holds us together. Col 1:17. So, we'll enjoy this ring ceremony knowing God sent us here.

Happy New Year---May You Really Live!

Happy New Year from Snowy Seattle

We made it over sleety streets to a tiny town near the foot of Mount Rainier. Spent a seventy-degree Christmas in Allen, Texas with my sister and her fam. The morning after Christmas, we put Britt on a chartered bus in Austin with his high school basketball team (about 50 favorite buddies) traveling to Disneyworld for a basketball tournament in Florida. Didn’t have the money to follow him and God gave a peace in missing it. We have hardly missed anything our children have been a part of, ever, but had to let this one slip through our fingers. Bob and I hopped on a last-minute flight to visit his 92-year-old dad who invited us up to the Northwest. He lives alone in a quaint northern town. No internet, just frost everywhere. I’m frozen! With nine decades of life, he has a span of stories having lived through wars and recessions and crises and inventions.

Lots of time to reflect on the goodness of our God this past year. “The nearness of God has been our good.” Psalm 73:28. Have caught up on lots of reading. This morning one quote just jumped out at me: “The place where I am most deeply hurt is what I am always trying to get, to collect---to get people to like us, to be in charge, to serve, to applaud, to get someone to take care of me. There is an anger at that point in us where we feel so small.” What do we do with those places? Is my repentance too shallow? I have believed lies in my life that have ended with demands that people come through for me and that I’ll have to arrange it if God doesn’t come through. How foolish. Phil 3:19 calls it a god: “Their god is their appetite.” Exploring and deepening my thirst for God will release in me deep repentance or I’ll keep my friends and my God “in court” in my mind examining the evidence that I am not loved, not cared for. Not true at all! If we don’t repent and relate to Him in such a way that HE frees me to love openly and receive love freely, then I’ll just control my world and arrange it to get what I want. People don’t have to respond in certain ways anymore for life to be okay. I want to live with no demands to fill the hollow spaces within that ultimately only God can fill. St. John of the Cross wrote: God cannot pass an empty life without filling it with Himself. That’s if we are empty---are we empty of ourselves and this world?

Happy New Year to each of you. Do you remember the quote in Braveheart: “All men die, but only a few men really live.” My wish for you this coming year of 2009 is that you learn more deeply what it means for you to really live. You were made to matter. You were made to make a difference. You were made for HIM. Psalm 73:24-28--- May HE guide you with His counsel and receive your words. May you desire nothing else on earth but HIM. “It is good to be near to God.” Draw near. He’s waiting.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover - December 29th Hebrews 1 - He holds all things together

I found a teeny tiny eatonville cafe that has wireless. It took about 45 minutes to warm up the computer so I'm staring out the sultry cafe window and what do I see??? S N O W...it's snowing outside. What delight! Pure joy! Baby, it's cold outside. So pristine and peaceful and pure white as snow. Stirs something deep inside of me and tears fall. From seventy degrees to snow. A precious moment for me as we came up to find a wireless connection to post a Monday Morning thought. It's the last Monday morning thought I'll post. It has been such a joy for me to read through the Bible with several of you this year. Here's my last meloncholy post...

DO I LONG TO BE UNDERSTOOD?
DO I LONG TO MATTER?
HE upholds the universe by the word of His power. He holds me up this moment, this circumstance. Or am I trying to hold myself together? “Pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift…” Heb 2:1. Pay attention to what God has said this year. I spent a lot of my Christian life thinking about how much I wanted to be understood, to matter in someone’s life, to belong, and be in charge of something of significance. But, now I long for the One Who understands me and my world; I long for the One Who matters more than anything; I long for the only One in charge of anything---the One Who holds me by the word of His power. It’s no longer about me holding things together.

AM I LIVING IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT?
“Today if you hear HIS Voice, do not harden your hearts.” Heb 3:15
So many of us are where we are this moment because of how we have handled our lives and the hurts over the years. A friend of mine wrote the following note: “I’ve yearned for my parents to give something they could never give me. I’ve sought for my sweetheart something that never fully finishes me and makes me complete. And in my dying age, I’ve tried to make my life a difference as I go to my homecoming and it still doesn’t fill me---even though I’m having a great ministry and an impact on my world---even if I’ve loved well. In all of this, I turn to the One to whom I owe my life, to whom I have found my life, and to Whom I have gladly given my life as an eager gift of all that I have, to the One I have come to adore. I feel grateful. I said He was not good, but He is. I’ve said He’s not here, but He is. I’ve accused Him of not loving, but He does. Everything is upside down, and yet in the face of Him, I see not the face of a scolder but One Who says, ‘Welcome! I’ve been waiting. The feast is prepared.’ “

DO I KNOW A REST THIS VERY DAY LIKE I’VE NOT KNOWN BEFORE?
“Let us strive to enter that rest…for the Word is living and active piercing our souls and discerning our thoughts and intentions. Nothing we do is hidden from His Sight, how foolish to think we are not seen and exposed and known for who we really are. Heb 4:11-13. So, if I don’t have rest in my soul this day, what will I do with that place in my heart? Will I just shove it down or will I enter it and embrace what is not of Him and repent more fully, more widely, more deeply. What I have loved about reading the Word chronologically with you all is that day after day we have opened the Word of God on our journey to read the historical story. But it is the Word of God that has read me and my thoughts and my intentions that don’t match up with His. I read but I am read and rest is revealed or released or recovered. He’s a beautiful God offering rest to each of us in this moment.

WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN DRAWING NEAR TO GOD?
Heb 4:16 “Let us with confidence draw near to the throne of grace.” Whatever weakness we have, He is able to sympathize with that weakness, He says. So, if I choose this day not to draw near to HIM and all that means for my life, then there is something more important to me than following my Christ. Something more important than drawing near to our God. Our goals, our moments reveal what that is. Maybe it is my goals; maybe it is even just ruminating over what is not going right for me. Or, maybe it is a real circumstance that is not going my way. I have to take a look at what is not going my way and recognize that I am trying to make my life work. And God says in Heb 7:25 that when we draw near to Him, He always lives to make intercession for us. What a beautiful promise in our heartaches, in our dreams, in our longings, in our schemes.

WHY ARE MY HANDS DROOPING?
“Lift up your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet so that what is lame may not be out of joint but rather be healed.” Heb 12:12 Don’t let any root of bitterness spring up. Deal with present fray of your heart. The passage goes on to talk about Esau who sold his birthright for what he could see---a single meal. He found no chance to repent later even though he sought for it with tardy tears. Not all tardy tears are good. Tend to today’s tears. All those things that shakes our lives. One day God will remove all things that can be shaken in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken.” Heb 12:28. And let’s fall on our face and worship and speak the Word of God to our friends. Heb 13:7

On New Year’s Day (or any day after that), let’s post our final lingering thoughts for Cover to Cover from the Book of Revelations. Would love for you to share your thoughts about your journey in reading through the chronological bible this year.

All I Want for Christmas is to go to School

Send an Orphan to School

One Dollar a Day Sends an Orphan to School

Hi, my name is Britt Brandon
and I am Bev's 17-year-old son. I'm a junior in high school,

and I am doing a service project to help my sister, Brooke Brandon,
who volunteers at this orphanage in
Chiang-Mai, Thailand.

Seven of these orphans

do not have the money to attend school this coming year.

So my friend Kennedy and I are trying to find sponsors for

these seven orphans to attend school for the year.

It would be a great Christmas present to give to someone

that you are sponsoring a child in honor of them.

And you can give them their picture and ask them

to join you in praying for the orphan.

Brooke volunteers weekly at
this government orphanage.
Your gift will go 100% to the orphan.

Would you be willing
to sponsor one orphan and
pray for that orphan
this Christmas?

I hope I can find 20 people

who will each give $10

and that will send one orphan to school

for the entire year!

Choose one of the orphans in the photos below.

You can print off their picture for your family to pray for them.

Some of my friends are writing them letters

and making friendship bracelets for them.

You could really help us by linking this to your blog.

You can pay by check or Paypal.
Make checks payable to Britt Brandon.
$1 pays for one day for the orphan
you sponsor to attend school.
$5 = one week
$10 = two weeks
$20 = one month

I'm hoping to help all 7 orphans.

Any amount at all will be really appreciated.

It will all add up!

We hope we can help these 7 orphans
whose parents have died mostly from AIDS.
Because they are all older than five,
they will not be able to be adopted.
They need our help. No amount is too small.
The following five boys and two girls are the remaining students at the orphanage

yet to be sponsored for their education.

If you are interested in helping me reach the goal of sponsoring in part

one of these orphans

and investing in their future,

please contact me by posting a comment on this entry saying YES

you would like to be a part of this project and the name of the orphan you would like to help.

Only leave a YES and the name of the orphan.

Next, e-mail me at sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal(dot)net the name of the orphan

and the number of days you would like to sponsor him or her and

how you will make the payment--- by Paypal or check.

For security purposes, the names have been altered.

My address will be on the bottom of the e-mail reply back to you.
Pong
Yoba
Isatha
Paeng

SertOh
The photo of Chon did not come out. He is a male.
Thank you for considering helping one of these seven orphans this Christmas.
They really want to go to school.
I hope I can find some sponsors and it will all add up
to send these seven orphans to school for a dollar a day.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
and thank you for considering this opportunity to make
7 orphans very happy this Christmas.
Britt

Monday Morning Cover to Cover December 22nd - Conscious & 15th - May the eyes of your heart be opened to the immeasurable Power toward you - Eph 1:17.

MONDAY MORNING COVER TO COVER DECEMBER 22nd - "CONSCIOUS OF GOD in the MIDST OF SUFFERING"

It's the week before Christmas and I am wondering, am I conscious of God in the midst of being spoken to harshly or am I more conscious of myself and wanting to just endure it? Am I conscious of God in the midst of arguments with my husband, anger with my world? No profit in enduring says the verse. “For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God.” I Pet 2:19. I think I grew up for a lot of my Christian life thinking real life was about enduring through hardship. The missing link for me was that I was so bent on fighting the good fight of faith and enduring, that I missed the very presence of God when I’m angry, when I’m hurt, when I’m offended. I was bent on dealing with it and not being that way. I was more concerned about how I felt and what I wanted to come out of the situation. I wanted to endure it gracefully. But am I conscious of God? At some point, something happened in me and suffering has made me way more conscious of Him than ever. What about this place in my life? Am I conscious of God in the midst of whatever I am dealing with? If so, what is He saying to me? I Peter 2:25 - you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your soul—while we return once for our salvation, we have to keep on repenting and returning every day. I Pet 2:19 lingered with me so much this week. God made me want to keep on living in the present moment dealing with the fray of my own heart. I love Him so! Trying to get ready for a trip to Seattle for Christmas. If I can get to the rest of my notes, I'll post them later. Love to all of you on the day we celebrate Life. It cost Him His Life for this moment we have.

Peace "for all the people."

MONDAY MORNING COVER TO COVER DECEMBER 15th - "FAITH BIRTHED IN MY DESERT"

I am shooting from the hip this week. Misplaced my notes with my checkbook, oh dear! This is what really moved me this week in what I read from the chronological readings.

AM I LIVING FOR THIS WORLD OR FOR ANOTHER COUNTRY?
“We who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength.” Wonder who I can find to build up? Wonder if I am more willing to think of their needs and live for another country or am I bent on my own seasonal needs in living in this world? Rom 15:1. Please others, not self. “May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing.” Rom 15:13. That so shakes my soul. The God of hope. It’s not dependent on me trying to find hope and make hope and have hope. We “overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Rom 15:13. I've thought long and hard about the theme of HOPE as we read this week. Way too much, we want to kill hope rather than walk into the future in faith trusting a good God to provide in whatever ways He so chooses. Hope is one of the most dangerous commitments we make for it draws us to Him to sacrifice without any guarantee of fulfillment in this world. But we live for another country, don't we?

AM I REALLY LIVING IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT? ALIVE or DETACHED

from the moment? “But I count my life of no value to myself, so that I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of God’s grace.” Acts 20:24. We all want this but are we really alive? Makes me think of Frederick Buechner’s words:“People are so apt to drift along on the surface of their lives, not really seeing or hearing or feeling very much because most of the time they are little more than half alive, the rest of the time dazed, dreaming, or detached. But in Christ, as we read about Him, and as we thought about Him, there is this terrible quality of full life. Most of us escape so much by being less than fully alive, but He seems to escape nothing.” He was vulnerable to the pain that was all around Him, not just the pain of the crippled and bereaved, but the slow, unspoken pain of being human.

IS OUR GOAL TO BE GODLY OR NICE?

I've thought this week about how Paul stood up and responded to the Sanhedrin in Acts 23:3 - Ananias ordered that Paul be struck on the mouth. Paul’s response: “God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! You sit there to judge me according to the law, yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck!” Now I wonder, if someone today who is in authority spoke like that to another authority, would people think that this was a weighty answer or a disrespectful answer or what? Seems to me today that we are stuck in an economic place of being way too “nice” to people when we do need to say weighty words. The goal is godliness not niceness. I love love love how this reading ends…the LORD stood near Paul and said:“TAKE COURAGE.” Seems like that’s all we would need to hear in our hearts. So what does it look like for us to take courage in our hearts today for our LORD is near?

WHEN I REFLECT ON MY PAST, DO I SEE THE PAIN OR REDEMPTION?
"Take courage, for I have faith in God." Acts 27:25. It's a busy season but what is the beat of my heart? Is it for the faith of others? Who can I give courage to this week? I do have faith and believe Him because I know how HE has redeemed good in my life in the past. I have an anchor of trust in my beautiful God that is shored up and that no one can pull up. All that my present dilemmas can do is plunge me into present deeper depths of doubt where brand new faith is being reborn. If we don't have that anchor of trust, then we really are thrown into confusion when people let us down and unexpected unwanted things happen to us---confusion about our ID, confusion about our place in this world. What God has done for me in my past may not take away the pain of the present moment but "faith birthed in the dessert" (as one of my friends calls it) frees me to remember my past, remember the loss, and remember redemption. He so deepens our trust that our redemption draws nigh. It will dawn tomorrow morning as we awake as we trust the One Who is faithful and true. Maybe you have a friend who needs your faith. Maybe you need a little of mine. Take courage. HE is waiting to dawn on your day.

DO YOU KNOW THE HOPE HE HAS CALLED YOU TO?
I really struggled when my husband lost his job three years ago. I lost hope. I killed hope. But it's foolish of me to not anticipate the future and fear the failure again. A friend told me: The more we hope, the more we lean into the future risking the present to secure the dreams that entice us. Just like you, I'll keep on risking for nothing else is worth living for but HIM and His life! I hold so much hope in my heart at this place in my life, and am so humbled before my beautiful God for what HE has done for me! And my prayer for you is the mighty words that Paul penned in his opening letter to Ephesus. May the Father of Glory give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of HIM. May the eyes of your heart be enlightened this present moment to know the HOPE He called you to and the immeasurable greatness of His Power toward YOU.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover---God calls things that are not as though they were

Political unrest in Thailand caused their airports to shut down for days! Brooke has been "stuck" in Austin with us and are we ever excited! She just drove off on her way to the airport and I cried like a baby! I am so grateful for the extra week with my girl. We reminisced, and rummaged through sales, and racked up hours and hours of so enjoying her extra-long Thanksgiving stay with us. She's actually been in the states for one month now...see why I bawled??? Pray that she makes it back to Thailand in the midst of unsettling times for their country. The Prime Minister has been ousted and it's a messy situation.

AM I TRYING TO IMPROVE MY LIFE OR SEEK TO LET MY GOD TRANSFORM ME?
One word so lingers with me from our chronological readings this week. Transformed. Don't be conformed to this world, be transformed in this world. Rom. 12:2 I have been thinking a lot about taking a look at what God has done for me and becoming so gripped with what has already happened. In His favor, "I heard you, I helped you." 2 Cor. 6:1. There's no way in life I could be where I am today except to say that God did it---He has so helped me to wake up and be alive in Him. And true repentance brings about a changed life. 2 Cor 7:10 I may not understand what is happening this moment but life isn't about finding answers either. It's about living not working. And I am known even when regarded as unknown. 2 Cor 6:9.

IS IT ALL RIGHT TO BE HARD PRESSED? God says it's okay. I may be hard pressed sometimes on every side but not crushed. 2 Cor 4:8 I so want to be aware of the schemes of the enemy. 2 Cor 2:11. So FIX OUR EYES ON UNSEEN 2 Cor 4:18.

WHAT COMPELS ME TO MOVE INTO THE LIVES OF OTHERS?
For it is the Love of our beautiful Christ that compels us. Wonder if I am living compelled by the love of my God today or being ruled by other things? Where’s my joy? Whenever I am not enjoying my husband, my children, my life---that's a red flag. “In all my troubles, Joy knows no bounds.” 2 Cor 7:4.

IS MY REPENTANCE TOO SHALLOW?
It’s the kindness of our God that leads us to repent. Romans 2:4. And if our lives don’t change, if there’s not a little more rest, a little more peace, a little more solidness…well, I wonder if the repentance was really deep. Wonder if my repentance was self-serving? Sometimes our motives come from economic places in our hearts to make a better life. Not worth a lot. Let God do His Work in me. Because if we try to repent on our own, we usually end up resorting to self improvement or even doing our own penance. We end up saying—tell me everything I need to “do” to follow God and I’ll go do it. We want “lists” to check off. But when God shows up in His Kindness, there’s hope for our sin. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship? Romans 8:35.

IS MY GOAL TO BE AN OVERCOMER OR TO BE OVERCOME?
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. So what does that mean? Sometimes, we make our goal to be overcomers. What about making our goal to find God and please Him? It’s not about us overcoming the world—HE has already done that. But it is about us finding Him for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Wonder why we keep trying to make Him love us? He already does just like we are.

DO I THINK ABOUT REJOICING IN SUFFERING? IS MY DESPERATION REALLY A GIFT?
Romans 5:3 - We rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. I picture the Holy Spirit in heaven pouring down on us a pitcher of His Love. And it came through suffering. When I have HOPE, I receive that Love lavished on me and release His Power in me to love others. Sounds lofty but it’s not about us trying to figure out how to love people. It’s the Love of God that pours into us and out of us if we are empty of ourselves and our own ambition.

AM I DOING WHAT I DON’T WANT TO DO?
“Count yourself dead to sin and alive to God.” Romans 6:11. “If I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:20. Wretched man! This is my real battle---it’s not with people, it’s the battle of my old nature. Who will rescue me? Thanks be to God! He did. He is. He will. Romans 7:24-25. “You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.” Romans 8:9

WHAT AM I BELIEVING ABOUT MY SITUATION---AGAINST ALL HOPE?
The powerful book of Romans was written by a very mature Paul centuries ago for me and for you this day. We learned from James last week in our readings that we need to "receive the Word" and not just listen but take it to heart just like Abraham who was 100 with a wife with a dead womb. Do things look dead in our own lives? Dead promises? Dead relationships? Dead marriages? Dead worship? May we follow in the footsteps of Abraham who was backed into a corner against all hope. May we believe the God Who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. Romans 4. Against all hope, may you find Him in your need this present moment.

Random Questions from Jenny Hope

I got this award from sweet Jenny Hope and I can't possibly remember how to link her up here. Nor can I imagine answering 50 questions with one word, so I'll pick and choose as I am supposed to answer to pick up this award. I'll give you about 10 answers just cause I love my real life friend Jenny Hope! No pretend friend anymore---she's a real one and a keeper. Her blog is: http://jennyhope-jennyhope.blogspot.com/

1. Where's the cell phone?---no clue. Two words, what a start.
7. Dream last night? forgotten somewhere. Two words again.
8. My goal? Isaiah 30:15
11. Your fears? being alone
12. Where do want to be in 6 years? more in love with my beautiful God...more alive!
14. What you are not? not bound up like I've been 2 Chron 32:22 not watching my own back
for God is taking care of me on every side and it's happening...a little more solid
15. Wish list item? I-Touch...there I said it.
16. Where I grew up? New Orleans
17. Last thing you just did? Bible study on Corinthians...2 cor 7:10 - real repentance leads to changed lives
22. My mood? Full of hope this day to live a quiet life of rest and trust and let Him pour out, not me being an overcomer but all about Him pouring out Romans 5:5
30. Last time you laughed? Brooke is here from Thailand and so makes me laugh real deep. But my last laugh was with my 17-year-old as he went on a field trip to hear Robert Schuller at a business conference with his school this a.m. and I TRIED to encourage him to remember whose he was (in other words, obey in public, even at 17, as he really tends to enjoy life). His response? He started singing "I'm in the Lord's Army, yes sir." Pretty funny to this mom.
31. Last time you cried? About 5 minutes ago when I was reading Romans and realized that that book of the Bible has sparked many revivals throughout history. Where are we? Start right here in my heart, o God, that I may find HIM in the midst of all we are going through not to get rid of the pain but to connect with my beautiful LORD.

So Jenny Hope told me I needed to pass the torch of questions on to you...so go to her blog to see the list of all the questions. Anyone who reads this blog can take this award and blog on. Just send me an e-mail when you post your 50 questions (I think Jenny quit at 31) cause I'd love to come read your answers and get to know you better. Lots of Love and let me know if any of you are going to Converge. I'll be there! Would love to hug your neck! Bev

PS - I am in desperate need of blog makeover help on a budget. Does anyone know where I can find a Christmas header or new template for free? E-mail me.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover.............God is among you I Cor 14:24. He has provided for you to stand up under all you're going through I Cor 10:13

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU REPENTED? A friend asked me that question. Said he had put the question on one of his exams when he was teaching Bible. Am I really free in the place where I am this very day? We may think we are free but then someone shows up in our day and steals our peace. And do we repent no matter whether big or small sins. Sometimes we are not as free as we think we are. A teenager said to me this week that it was boring hearing about the love of God one more time---she wanted to hear something else. Maybe I misread her but it seems so arrogant to me. She had no idea how she came across. Have we lost our marvel over God’s love for us no matter what we do? What place in our heart do our thoughts and actions and attitudes come from. It’s not about cleaning up our behavior. It’s all about repenting and returning. This verse lingers with me from the chronological readings this week. God has done I Cor 10:13 - He has provided ways for each of us to stand up under all we’ve been through. We can look “spiritual” on the outside but what does that count for? It’s all about our hearts, isn’t it? We are so grateful to Him this Thanksgiving week for freedom. I loved reading I Cor 9:1 “Am I not free?” I am finding freedom in Him like I have never had. I am more free than ever! It’s freedom first, then love. Can’t move to love if we are not free from that person and their responses. Awesome work HE is doing in all of us. Faithful is He Who has called us and He is doing it! And if He is not working in your life, you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Here are 7 questions that linger with me from reading the chronological Bible this week. Pick one question and read that paragraph and leave a comment about what your mighty awesome God is saying to you.

1. When was the last time I repented?
2. Is God really among us?
3. What if I have faith that moves mountains?
4. What rules my heart this moment?
5. How do you deal with weakness and fear as you walk through your days?
6. Wonder how God is revealing to you what He has for you?
7. What would Jesus look like if He was living in your circumstances?

IS GOD REALLY AMONG US?
I Cor 14:24 – if someone walks into our midst, are they convinced that they are a sinner when they bump up against us? Now, if they bump up against our sin, how do we repent and show them a heart alive to God? Are the secrets of their heart laid bare so that they will fall down and worship God, exclaiming “God is really among you!” What is happening among us? If it is God, then we’ll know it cause we can’t conjure up the power of God. But we can do I Cor 14:1 “hold firmly to the Word.”

WHAT IF I HAVE FAITH THAT MOVES MOUNTAINS?
What if I give all I possess to the poor? But I live distant, distressed, disgusted, discouraged.
If I don’t have love for those God has brought into my life, I gain nothing. I am nothing.
If I have a successful ministry but really don’t love people enough to talk with them and walk with them whether they are right or wrong, I gain nothing from my passionate ministry.
If I have awesome kids but love them only when they do the things I approve of, that’s not love.
If I have great faith but withhold my love from one person even for very good reasons, what’s that about? I gain nothing. We think of love in terms of our behavior and then our definitions of love are so shallow.

WHAT RULES MY HEART THIS MOMENT?
Does God’s Love really rule my heart this day? Just look at what comes out of your thoughts, your mouths, your heart. Disgusted thoughts about others? Distant actions that communicate you don’t care. I Cor 6:12 says: “I will not be mastered by anything.” Not even the judgmental thoughts we harbor. Something rules our hearts more than the love of God if our thought life shows our ambition, our obsessions.

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH WEAKNESS AND FEAR AS YOU WALK THROUGH YOUR DAYS?
I Cor 2:3,4 has meant so much to me over these past years cause I feel that I live in weakness and fear. Paul said that is where he was coming from “I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.” Oh, that’s what I long for. Not longing for the perfect wise words to say. Not longing to persuade people. But longing for the power of the Spirit of my God. That means I need to let Him work and trust Him and not try to make it happen.

WONDER HOW GOD IS REVEALING TO YOU WHAT HE HAS FOR YOU?
I Cor 2:9“No eye has seen,no ear has heard,no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” I have so struggled my whole life with believing that I’m not loved, not cared for. I've kept friends "in court" trying to prove I am not loved rather than seeing what God has done and how they have responded to God. And how I want to respond to God to move in loving others regardless of their responses to me. I’ve walked into a Love that I cannot lose in the past couple of years through suffering. I’m thinking differently these days. Embracing truth and remaining there and trusting like I haven’t before.

WHAT WOULD JESUS LOOK LIKE IF HE WAS LIVING IN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES?
A couple of years ago, I couldn’t physically stand up I was so depressed. Doesn’t matter what got me there, the real question is why did I crater? How did I get to the place that I wasn’t able to function when I perceived a tragedy hit? Not the place of trust where my beautiful God wants me to live. So this verse speaks to me: 2 Thes 2:15, 16 “Stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. You know I cannot even stand firm without God’s help. What would Jesus look like if He was living in your circumstances? “May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” And, yes, it was God Himself who strengthened me and I couldn’t be any more grateful. And I continue every day to grow and make shifts I could never do on my own.

My prayer for you this Thanksgiving week is 2 Thessalonians 3:16 - “Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” Wonder what that peace looks like in your life, in my life?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Happy Thanksgiving to you this night and whatever it holds for you. Maybe things are going really well for you. But I have several friends who are in the midst of such suffering. I am thinking of Jean and Jen who have lost a love of their life---their children. I am thinking of three other close friends whose kids have gone off the deep end and are in trouble. What do you do?? I Thes 1:6 says: "In spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit and turned to God ." May we all turn to Him this Thanksgiving and every day and welcome His Word with joy!

PICK ONE QUESTION
Monday Morning Cover to Cover..."Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life." I Thes 4:11
I've asked 7 questions this week...one each day from our chronological readings.
1. Do you love Me?
2. Do I want to leave a legacy that is large?
3. What really are my goals this day?
4. How do I know if I am running the right race?
5. How is your love working?
6. What is your real ambition as you live today?
7. How is your faith working for you?

You might pick one question to read about below. My prayer for each of you this Thanksgiving is 2 Thes 1:11,12. Every desire that you have to honor Him and do what is right, what is good---may He make you stand!

DO YOU LOVE ME? This is why I have so loved reading the chronological Bible this year. The disciples were face to face with Jesus yet they didn’t live the Christian life well. “Do you love Me?” Yes we do and we’ll deny it before everyone. BUT when they receive the Holy Spirit, the disciples become alive and free. All of a sudden, they are bold and full of faith. It’s so intriguing to me that one of the first things they will hear after receiving the Spirit is about wrong motives in James 4. “You want something but don’t get it. You cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures. James 4:1-4Can we get our motives right? Can we quit living for what works out for us? Peter had quit doing it---in fact, Peter was sleeping knowing he was headed to face his death. Talk about rest! And Peter’s LORD let the chains loose. Do I think that if I stay up all night praying then God will work? We will be free if we are living in our new nature and identifying that old nature of wrong motives that rears its face up on us. Oooh!

DO I WANT TO LEAVE A LEGACY THAT IS LARGE? Acts 13 has always tugged at my heart for I so want to leave a legacy. I don’t want to have served God for my purposes. Yet, I have been way too driven at times to do the work of the ministry to make a significant mark. For whom? For what? I must leave in His lap how He wants to use my life. I have measured success like the Christian world does not like my Father does. Now that I am a lot older and things didn’t turn out like I thought they would, how do I evaluate my life’s work, my contribution? I must hold fast to Him living in this present moment not trying to make something happen but spending it all on Him and His purposes and leaving the results to God. “For when David had served God’s purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep.” Acts 13:36. And here comes another verse right along these lines that pierces my heart: “After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” It is not about how hard we are trying to live the Christian life. It is not about human effort. So seems like that that is rewarded in Christian circles today—serving and working and programs and missions and even giving based on human effort profits what?

WHAT REALLY ARE MY GOALS? Gal 4:19 is my heartbeat. “I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you.” That’s really what it is all about…that Christ be formed in others…”Little Christs” as C. S. Lewis says.The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Ga. 5:6. Or, am I so distracted by how others treat me? Gal 5:7 You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? Either we live by our old nature or by our new nature.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH RACE WE ARE RUNNING? Our real battle is not our child, our husband, our friend and their sin. Our real battle is our old nature that shows itself every day. It's like me trying to take chlorine out of water. We'll battle it til the day we die. After prayer and trust, what results in your life? Is it the peace of God? Is it a rest you haven’t known in the midst of raging seas? If you are running the right race, what you see will be Gal 5:22, the fruit of the Spirit. Our goal is not peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control. Our goal is God Himself. And He will be those things to us. Otherwise, we get sucked into moral living. This is about transformation not information to be a better wife, a better mom, a better person. If we’d do anything to learn what we are supposed to “do” in given situations to live the Christian life, we are asking the wrong questions. Paul and Silas were in prison praying and singing. No panic there to “do” everything to get out of their circumstances. All at once, a violent earthquake, and their chains came loose. Acts 16:25. May our chains fall off when we pray, when we sing, when we walk, when He’s our King.

HOW IS YOUR LOVE WORKING? Seems to me that too many Christians today focus on work, labor and endurance to be overcomers. These verses really talk about our faith, hope, and love. We are not human do-er’s; we are human beings. It’s not about working harder to improve our lives. 1 Thes 1:3 We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. How is your love working for you? I Thes 2:12. Listen to how you talk about others in your thoughts? Are you longing for your family and friends’ faith to be built or are you disgruntled and disappointed withholding your love a little bit? That’s not love. I Thes 3:9 - are you enjoying them?“May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other. May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father.”

WHAT IS MY REAL AMBITION TODAY? If I had to say one verse that was my heart’s desire to grab onto this year and hold tight, hold fast. It would be I Thes 4:11 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, so that you will not be dependent on anybody. I have so wanted to live a recognized life, a valued life, a successful life. No more. I want a quiet life — so what does that mean for me, for you? Paul’s ending words to this Thessalonican church in chapter 4 are moving. Wonder what they stir up in us? Service? Kindness? v. 13-17 “Live in peace with each other. Warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Always try to be kind to each other. Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Hard to do? Impossible really. Do not put out the Spirit’s fire. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God Himself sanctify you. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. I Thes 5:24.

HOW IS YOUR FAITH WORKING FOR YOU? I Thes 3:5 - I want to find out about your faith for I'm afraid the tempter is tempting you. Scripture interprets Scripture. And it’s intriguing that we already know at this point the admonition of James to not spend our lives in wrong motives. Satan is tempting us all to sell ourselves short. Many Christians today live to be kind, no matter what. Or to serve, no matter what. It’s the LORD who will do it through us—that’s amazing. What do we need to put off, to let go of to get that place of repentance? My repentance is way too shallow.

I pray for each of you 2 Thes 1: 11, 12: May God count you worthy of his calling this Thanksgiving and always, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith.

Ancho Pepper in my Birthday Pie

Brookie is on U.S. soil somewhere in Texas. She doesn't have a cell phone YET but I bet she'll find one at Wal-Mart! On the way to the big Cajun wedding in Louisiana!!! Claire has found her true love and I hope that the presence of her God overwhelms them all this week! We love you baby Claire and we wish you all the happiness in your humble home and in your passionate life and in the beautiful God Who has so invaded your heart!

This has been the hardest week for me facing and embracing unexpected obstacles and opinions. And my beautiful God just rained down on me this afternoon---Deut 32:2--- as my good friend here took me to lunch for my birthday. Yep, it's tomorrow. We sat on a patio on historic 6th Street and as the sun beat on the top of my head at this turn-of-the-century Victorian house now restaurant, and with a cooler than normal breeze blowing in our faces, the conversation was straight from the God I so adore. My good friend encouraged me more than she'll ever know for right where I am this day. I so want to be further along in my walk with my beautiful God than I am. All He wants is me.

You know, if we just stay connected to Him, all we have to do is let His Beauty pour out of us---Psalm 50:2---and that's what just happened on sixth street. Right straight into this discouraged heart. She gave me a little hope for my solitary path. We all have a vacuum in our hearts and we can't make it alone in this life. No idle words this day, it was God's very life to me. Deut 32:47.

We ate the most decadent delectable chocolate cake for free for Z'Tejas birthday girls. It's called "Z'Tejas Ancho Fudge Pie." And it was unbelievably good! No way you can even taste the ancho peppers but it enhances the chocolate flavor to the utmost. And they even gave me the recipe. Here is a gift for you to cook for Thanksgiving that will make you popular. They say it wins the best dessert contests in Texas and I can see why. Didn't believe it until I tasted it for free. No way I could pay for pepper in my chocolate. The secret ingredient is the ancho peppers---yuk! Who would have ever thought? Wonder if the Indians used ancho peppers in their first Thanksgiving feast? Where do you even buy ancho peppers? What do they look like?? Sounds like "Whole Foods," HERE I COME...
PS - the recipes are on Z-Tejas' website if you want to take a look at their other stuff---I had blackened catfish enchiladas that tasted awesome---their ingredients are their big secrets and they give the recipes away on their site: http://ztejas.com/recipes.html

Z'Tejas Southwestern Grill Ancho Fudge Pie
Ingredients:
1 9-in Deep dish prepared pie crust
2 each Eggs
1/2 cup Flour
1/2 cup White Sugar
1/2 cup Brown Sugar
1 cup Butter (2 sticks)
1/2 cup Pecans
1/2 cup Walnuts
1 cup Chocolate Chips
3/4 cup Ancho Chile Peppers, ground

Recipe Directions:Ancho peppers are available whole. To grind, soften peppers in water for 30 minutes, drain,grind in blender. Do NOT use chile powder.Preparation:Melt butter and allow to cool. Toast pecans and walnuts in oven on flat sheet until lightly brown.Beat eggs well. Add white flour, white sugar and brown sugar. Mix until smooth. Add coolbutter, mix well.Mix in nuts and chocolate chips. Fold into mixture. Pour into prepared pie crust.Bake at 325 degrees for 45-55 minutes.

Hey, I might as well throw in their Corn Bread recipe too cause people say it's one of the best around. And they have it down to perfection! I'm going to try it this Thanksgiving with all my children coming home with their friends!!! And I am so making "Mocah With Linda"s Baked Potatoes recipe and Melissa's killer nachos.

T'Zejas Corn Bread

Ingredients:
Corn Meal 1 ½ cups
Flour 1 ½ cups
Sugar 1/3 cups plus 1 Tablespoon
Baking Powder 1 tablespoons
Baking Soda 1 tablespoons
Yogurt (plain) 1
Cream Corn 1/3 cups plus 1 Tablespoon
Corn (frozen) 1/3 cups plus 1 Tablespoon
Buttermilk 1 1/2 cups
Eggs 3 each
Butter (melted) 1/3 cups plus 1 Tablespoon
Salt 1/4 teaspoon

Preparation:
Mix all dry ingredients together. In a large mixing bowl, whisk all wet ingredients together.Then add dry ingredients to form batter.Use a small pre-heated skillet, spray with non-stick cooking spray and then fill with 9 oz ofbatter.Bake at 375 degrees for 16 minutes. Rotate at 8 minutes.These recipes prepared by using a convection oven so try 400 degrees in regular oven.Test by using a toothpick in the center of the corn bread. Toothpick should come out clean.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover......Do you love Me? Do you love Me? Do you love Me? John 21:15 and Peter answers: "What about John?" John 21:21

There is something that lingers with me from our chronological readings all week about what the people experienced. They were filled with awe. Do I have awe in my life over my God and the release of His Power? Acts 2:46, 47 means a lot to me today. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. I want to enjoy the favor of people not experience their silence or absence. This really meant something to me.

Jesus had just left them and one of his last words was that he left a "new" commandment. Not new in terms of time. But "new" in experience for them. It would be the Spirit of God pouring His love into them. We are totally dependent on His Spirit for life and love. Yet, why is our experience of love today so lackluster? Seems like there are so many programs to make Christianity work. So many principles to follow for blessings. But is it the love of my beautiful God that rules my heart? John 21:15 - "Simon, do you truly love Me"? Jesus asked three times, once for each of Peter's three denials. And our sweet LORD is asking each of us this very day. "Do you love Me?" I've thought so much about this verse over the past two years. What words come out of my mouth, out of my heart this day? Is it the love of my God that rules my heart? If not, celebrate. There is grace for our sin! The problem is our repentance is so shallow, so meager, so intermittent, so scattered, so distracted. Does love rule my heart more than the things of this world. Do we live for this world or another world?

In John 21:21, Peter says: "What about John"? This so happens to me. I look at my own spiritual growth and then look at others and say why can't I be validated like they are or successful like they are. And Jesus firmly said to Peter: "What's that to you? You follow Me."

The question for believers is no longer what will we do with this Jesus but the question becomes what will God do with us when we refuse to trust Him? Will I deal with my doubt and celebrate that there is grace for my sin? Again, some of his last words: "some still doubted but Jesus said: 'Go and make disciples...I am with you always.' " "Why are you troubled? Why do doubts arise in your mind? It is I myself! Touch me and see." Jesus is always inviting us to touch Him.

What is going on in me if my mind is not "open" to the Scriptures? Luke 24:45---Jesus opened their minds as they walked the Emmaus Road so that they could understand the Scriptures. Do I have not because I ask not, says James.

What I have loved about reading the Bible chronologically is such a picture of truth in the readings this week. Unlearned and untrained men walked with Jesus face-to-face. They doubted Him over and over, in their hearts and in the marketplace. Yet, when the Holy Spirit of God came on these same decrepit, doubtful, depressed, damaged disciples, they touched the Jesus that invited them to rely on His power. And He began working a work of faith with power. II Thes 1:11, 12---it's my prayer for you this day!

Monday Morning Cover to Cover.......The gardener is calling your name - John 20:15

Just drove across the bridge here in the city where I sit on a dismal day. No sunlight in my home or heart, but it is morning and His mercy on me is brand new. Things haven't turned out like I had hoped they would. And I mean good things. So grateful to God for standing me up at this time in my life, for lifting my head in the midst of some bleak stuff. Much praise rising in my heart to Him for Who He is in my life and that when I turn to Him, He listens and loves. Morning has broken open, the birds are singing, the wind is whipping the leaves about, and parts of me feel like I could burst for my God is saying to me this bleary beautiful morn: "I have come to you." He doesn't leave us like orphans.

Here's my posting on what lingers with me from the chronological readings this week.

HAVE I FALLEN AWAY FROM GOD IN MY BUSY LIFE, IN MY BUSY THOUGHTS? There's a thread through my week tugging at my heart about "falling away from Me." Matt 26:31. The disciples sang a hymn with Jesus. Wonder what that was like. I so adore singing worship songs to my beautiful God. I love doing it with others! But I can't imagine standing there in His Presence singing it with Him, to Him, for Him. And the next words out of Jesus' mouth were:
"This night, you will all fall away from Me." I think people think that music sweeps away their sins. No, only repentance does. It's what we do with those things that bother us in the fray of our hearts.

IN THE MIDST OF MY CIRCUMSTANCES, AM I LIVING OUT OF A GOOD PLACE IN MY HEART? John 15:5 - "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." We think we can be overcomers and hold our heads high, and set out face like a flint to do the right things, and dig way down deep and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. But what does that count for? Apart from God, we can do nothing of value for eternity. We might look pretty good in this world. Maybe we are even successful in what we touch. But are we living life out of our old nature that we are so comfortable with or do we live out of our new nature. Seems to me that it gets mixed up. We are living out of the old and people see right through our arrogance, our pride. Yet, we think we are doing right. Apart from Christ, what we do amounts to nothing.

DO I BELIEVE THE MIRACLES I HAVE SEEN? This has been a difficult week for me. Extremely. So, how do I live and embrace what God has allowed, provided, planned, when it's not what I had hoped for. It's not what I thought I really needed. Here I am telling the God who hosts the starry skies tonight what I think I need. How arrogant of me! There's a thought in John 14:11 that has helped me in my dark week. "Believe in the miracles you have seen." I don't see any miracles in the place where I am tonight but I can believe in the Ones I have seen. And I can know way down deep that Jesus prayed for me this day "that my faith fail not." Luke 22:31.

And I just broke down and wept when Jesus said: “I won’t leave you as orphans. I will come to you.” I have felt like an orphan all of my life. I am an orphan this day having no parents. Never felt loved when I had them. But those five words just overwhelm me:I WILL COME TO YOU …

AM I IGNORING MY CIRCUMSTANCES OR EMBRACING AND ENTERING THE PLACE GOD HAS FOR ME? Luke 22:42 - I am so moved that even Jesus asked the Father if He was willing to take the cup from Him—-yet not my will, but Yours be done. Jesus didn’t deny the pain He faced but He embraced the will of the Father. May we not deny what we are in nor ignore it but enter and embrace what God has provided and willed for our lives.

DO YOU HEAR YOUR BEAUTIFUL GOD CALLING YOUR NAME TONIGHT? John 20:15 "Woman," Jesus said, "why are you crying?" He appeared to Mary but she thought He was the gardener. I wonder how many times I have missed my beautiful God thinking he was the gardener??? But when he said her name, she knew. God called my name this week as a sweet special ed student blew me a kiss goodbye. I'll never forget the moment. I had spent most of that day teaching fighting back the tears. And God so showed up for me.

I sit here in my pain with tears rolling down my cheeks knowing that my Jesus is calling my name, calling your name tonight. He is risen. He is alive. Apart from Him, we can't do anything that counts.

God Kissed Me Today

Something happened to me yesterday that disappointed me beyond measure. I had been waiting for 5 months for an answer on an event that I thought would help me find my beautiful God in ways I have not. The answer came yesterday and it was "no." I had to embrace the loss and remain there not denying its existence nor feeding it with pleasure. Isaiah 40:1-4 are verses that have come to mean a lot to me this year. It seems to me that people deal with disappointment by pushing it down and trying to be an overcomer or saying I am going to accept that as my lot from God and move on or even try to explain it away. But I must face the disappointment, the loss, the hurt, and wrestle with my beautiful God Who has different plans for me. And as these verses in Isaiah say: He promises us that if we really want to know Him, then HE will lower our mountains and raise our valleys up so that we may know the God we so long for. The promise is not to fix our world, or give us the better life here, but to truly know Him. Yesterday I read the words of Jesus saying that if there was anyway, let this cup pass from Me. He was honest with right where He was. And He was God. He didn't say: "It's all right." "I'll be fine." "They can do to me whatever they want." No, He said, take it away. Then He stood to remain in the suffering and embrace God's will. May I stand today to remain in my suffering of disappointment. I do feel my valley has been raised a little overnight. I subbed and sobbed at a Special Ed Department yesterday with precious kids close to the heart of God. I asked my sovereign LORD to speak to me in my immense disappointment and He did: He spoke to me Isaiah 41:17 which says----I hear you Bev in your desert! I will make pools of water for you in your wilderness, for you who are needy at this moment. And He did. Yesterday, as my last student parted my presence, she turned back around to me on her crippled feet and threw me the biggest kiss ever using both of her crippled hands. It was straight from the mouth of my beautiful God!

Two Kinds of People---Democrats and Republicans

This post is being e-mailed to people in my address book AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO STOP IT!!! I've never seen that happen before! Is it a virus or what?? I apologize if it was e-mailed to you---not my intent. Here's the post: Well, my presidential candidate just lost and I am very sad this night because it seems to me that a race was not decided on issues. People do vote with their pocketbooks. "Personal peace and affluence" says Francis Schaeffer. But I may be wrong. But, I do know this...there are two kinds of people in the U.S. --- and it is not Democrats and Republicans. There are those who trust God and those who do not trust God. Nothing changed tonight. We still trust God and will pray for His Hand to be on our new president-elect and on our country and its leaders. Acts 11:21.

I just watched a video of McCain's concession speech and oh my was he ever gracious! I liked when he said that he has "no regrets." He so graciously thanked people who so served him---people like my daughter Blair in Washington DC who so serves her country. (She met Joe the Plumber while campaigning in Ohio yesterday. I have the photo on my laptop at school so I'll have to post the pic tomorrow.) And I love that McCain always talks about remaining a servant. And I liked that he said that "he holds in his heart a love for this country and its citizens." I hold him and his POW story in my heart! And then he wishes Obama godspeed! And tells us not to despair in our difficulties but never quit! Never hide in history---just make it. I only have a certain amount of time left in life---don't we all---but I don't want to spend my later years hiding in my heart, hiding in my house, hiding in my actions. So thrilled I am free tonight and becoming more free being redeemed from my old nature---if I can just keep recognizing it all the more as the Day draws near.

I had the privilege of teaching US History this very day and one of my students shared Psalm 75: 6,7 with me this morning as we talked about the election. And it is a verse that is very true as night falls on the close of an ordinary working day that will be chronicled in every history book forever. Praying for our new president for God's protection and presence in his life.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover................She Did What She Could - Mark 14:6

19 days and this mom is counting. Brookie is flying home from Thailand for Thanksgiving. Barrett is in Korea racing and he'll be flying back soon and bringing sweet Lauren. Blair is flying in from DC and bringing her friend Patrick whom we have not met yet. The funny thing is that they all booked their flights to Dallas and we don't live there anymore! It will always be their home where they grew up.

Still struggling over here with some health issues. But for me these days, life isn't about solving problems and everything working out...it's all about trusting Him in the midst of what He is doing and what He has provided, no matter what. God is so showing up in Austin in the midst of some difficult times for me. Couldn't be more grateful for His Presence, His Power. Deut 4:37,38.

Three pictures linger with me from reading the chronological Bible this week.

1. Zaccheus Climbing a Tree. Luke 19:4. Am I climbing trees to find my God? Am I spiritually hungry like this guy? I think I am at times. And Jesus says in Luke 19:42: If you only knew what would bring you peace. I keep asking myself that question. What will bring me peace? Not solve my problems, my issues. There is one that looms too large. But how can I find my rest in Him in the midst of these difficulties. And in the midst of confusion--- just like the disciples who lived confused and Jesus was right there with them. John 12:16. Jesus didn't explain everything away to them. He let them wrestle with truth. May we wrestle well to find the escape from the anxieties of this life that He talks about in Luke 21:34. I think most of my anxiety stems from wanting to look good. As He said in Matt. 23:5 - "done for men." Looking good in the marketplace. Matt 23:7. There is so much put on us to be successful in the eyes of this world. So when the pressures hit this day, one question for me is what will my God do with me if I don't trust in His Goodness? He is waiting and watching at the bottom of the tree where a sinner sat looking for Him.

2. Jesus Washing Their Feet. John 13:14. Wash one another's feet. Do I assess whose feet I want to wash? It's a humbling thought. A pastor called me out of the audience to wash my feet. All I could do was weep. Washing feet doesn't make you clean on the inside. We can be righteous on the outside and not on the inside. Matt 23:28. We can give out of our poverty or wealth. Mark 12:44. Wonder what is going on inside of our minds and hearts this moment as we face our lives? Mean thoughts? Unkind words? Are we repenting of what is going on? Jesus tells us all we have to do is love. Can we do it without Him. We can do a lot without God but it means nothing, no eternal value. Are we giving out of our poverty or wealth? Are we sitting at the Lord's supper table clean on the inside? Life isn't about behavior modification. It's all about dealing with the fray of our heart and repenting from what's inside that makes us unclean---pride, self ambition, self obsessions. We so want to be saved from everything in this life. But Jesus said: "save me from this hour, NO, it was for this very reason I came to this hour." John 12:27. As we encounter the moments in our lives, may our eyes be opened to see what our beautiful God is doing in our lives and trust His goodness.

3. A Woman Pouring Perfume. He is a good God watching and waiting for us to return to Him in our every thought, our every move. Just like the woman who poured perfume on Him. Mark 14:6. A sinner who had repented. The perfume was worth one year's wage at that time. Oh my goodness! She did what she could! She responded to that prompting inside to lavish love without thinking about what others would think. She had no idea that she was preparing Him for His burial. She did know what the cost of her alabaster box was---she knew what she had been saved from! My prayer for you this week is that you love Him extravagantly!

Monday Morning Cover to Cover............No One Can Snatch Me Out of His Hand - John 5:28

Mum is still the word in Austin. I’ve never seen anything like it for homecoming attire! We had mums in high school but I thought they were extinct. Uh uh, not in Austin. One high school here raises $10,000 on their mum sales. The moms do it. Unbelievable. Britt is on his third homecoming in a row. Hyde Park’s was first with his new best friends and he got 2 mums---boy mums. Then Anderson was last week with faithful friends and now Lake Country this weekend with his forever friends.

We are in Fort Worth emptying our attics. My diligent oldest son plowed ahead of me and tossed about 20 garbage bags before I arrived. It was good. The verse I read this morning said: "Say good-bye to your possessions if you want to be my disciple." Ooooh.

So what lingers with you as you read the Bible this week? We've had quite a bout with strept and are still recovering. Thank you so much for your prayers! You move the hands of God. God acts in our behalf and He has certainly shown up in this place this week. Couldn't be more awed and grateful!

HOW CAN I UNWRAP THOSE WHO ARE BOUND?…..There are some words in John 11:43 that will remain with me for the rest of my life. It’s the beautiful story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. “Come out Lazarus!” So we know Lazarus could walk but his hands and feet and face were wrapped with laboriously heavy strips of linen. Some say they weighed over fifty pounds. And Jesus said to Lazarus’ mother and friends: “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:44. Lazarus rose from the dead but he needed someone to help him take off what still had him bound. Aren’t we like that? Jesus frees us up but yet we still need others. And I love thinking that Jesus wants us to go around taking the grave cloths off of our friends and family who are bound. Ever wonder how to do that??

WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY TO ME IF HE WALKED INTO THE ROOM RIGHT NOW?
Would He tell you how disappointed He was in you? Would He rebuke you and throw over your table? No, if you are alive to Him, then Luke 15:20 - The father was filled with compassion and He ran to His son and threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And the son’s reply is probably what you and I would say this day if we are sitting in our sin, in our old natures…we’d say “I have sinned in your Sight.” But our Father is saying: You are alive in Me. You are found. You are known. He knows our frame. He surrounds us with His compassion and love. What a Father! So what would He say to you if He walked in right now?

WHAT IF I CRY OUT CONSTANTLY? Will not our beautiful God give justice if we cry out to Him day and night?? Luke 18:7. That verse so speaks to me to be like that persistent widow bothering the judge, and not stop crying out to my God Who will fight for me. I really need Him so for no man can fill the hole in my heart.

WHAT ABOUT THE MIRACLES GOD HAS DONE FOR YOU? Think about those many many miracles God has performed in you and through you. Just this weekend, something happened that could only be explained in terms of God did it! You know what I mean. John 5:38 says to believe the miracles and you will find your beautiful God there.

WHAT IF I AM TERRIFIED OUT OF MY MIND OVER STUFF? I spent so many many years of my life being terrified of my brother. When you witness the violence that I did, if I think that I have to protect myself in life, then we really are in trouble. God spoke to me through John 5:28 that "no one can snatch me out of His Hand.” No one!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FOR YOU? Mark 10:36. Jesus asked this question to the disciples. He is asking the same question to you and to me this very night. The sons of Zebedee replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory." There have been too many times I have asked for the same thing. God, don't let me fail. Let me have success in your ministry, in this life. Let my book sell. Let people respond to me. Let me end my life with a successful ministry bringing many people to You. Sounds great. But is it for God's glory or our own measure. Jesus came not only to be ministered unto but to minister to others. Mark 10:45.

Have a great week filled with His Presence and His Power, Deut 4:27. May we recognize when we are living in our old nature. May your Counselor, the Holy Spirit, let you know. We don't have to dig. He'll pierce and melt and blast and comfort our hearts! Looking forward to what only HE can do in our lives this week.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover.............5 Loaves and 2 Fish and a beautiful God shows up - Mark 6:41

At 1:45pm on Friday, I swallowed and it happened in one swallow, one second. It was like fireworks burst in my throat. I am not being dramatic this time. I experienced the most horrible pain in my throat ever as an adult. My teaching job ended at 2:00pm and I went straight to one of those Minute Clinics and got an antibiotic. I remember having strept throat as a kid but it was nothing like this. A couple of days later and the severe throat pain has subsided but now I have a pain in my back that is simply excruciating. Plus I am still hobbling around on my foot with plantars fasciitis. The verses we read this week mean a lot to me as I face some small pervasive trials.

Matthew 11:28 lingers with me from our reading the chronological readings this week. I am weary and burdened not only physically but with another trial I am facing in my heart. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I need to find that place of rest in this scared heart of mine today. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." I weep as I read these words. They are so for me and so full of hope.

Just as Jesus said to Martha in Luke 10:41 - you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. That's all I need to hear. That's where I need to go. My beautiful God is saying "Come closer." My God wants me to see things more clearly. Two and one-half years ago, I sat in church and my pastor shared a verse that we read this week—Mark 8:24. The blind man was touched by Jesus. What do you see? “I see people—they look to me like trees walking.” I prayed that day that I could see more clearly my Lord and my life for I knew I had been touched by God for the 30 years I followed Him but there were some areas in my life I just couldn't see clearly nor get victory in those areas of self hatred and ambivalence and a poor self image. Three days later, news would come that devastated me and we left the church and friends who loved us and whom we loved so very much. God was healing me and helping me to see more clearly. Sometimes suffering brings sight and release that I would have never found in safety.

Life is hard to understand at times. Are we seeking Him for what He can do for us or just because we love Him so much and want to be in a relationship with Him, no matter what He does for us or through us or in us. Matt 6:26, 27 - "Are you seeking Me because you saw signs or because you ate your fill of the loaves and you want more?" Sometimes I am working way too hard for the food that perishes. "Labor for the food that endures to eternal life."

And I'll end with a story that will remain with me for the rest of my life. It's the story of 5 loaves and 2 fish. Mark 6:41,42. There are areas of my life that unless my beautiful God shows up and changes the 5 loaves and 2 fish into a miracle, then I'll never change. My prayer for you today is this story--- that the God who can feed over 10,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish is the same God present for you this moment in whatever you face. May you be filled with His Power and His Presence to believe Him and enter a rest you know not.

Monday Morning Cover to Cover........Blessed is the One Not Offended by Me - Matt 11:6...always Go to Him not just studying diligently - John 5:39

We just walked by the light of the moon. Incredible clouds. Round full moon. My husband by my side. A prayer that we walk and live "all in." And I thought about Jesus walking by the light of the moon only. And to think he placed us at this moment in history and in this privileged country. I wonder why sometimes for we have so much in comparison to so many. Jesus is asking us "What do we want?" and I am asking Him tonight "What does HE want of me?"

I tried to move our Monday Morning bible study Cover to Cover reading through the Bible chronologically to another new blog. Blogger set up a violation block on it. They lifted it or so it seems but I cannot get it to work...so we are moving back here on Monday mornings. I think Karen will be glad! Here's my Monday morning post...

If you dropped by for Monday Morning Cover to Cover, here is what lingers with me after reading the chronological readings for this week. To watch Jesus walking through his life in four gospels at the same time...ooohhh! It seems like his public ministry all happened so fast. How could the disciples grasp in their hearts what they had just witnessed this week:
the funeral of a widow's only son being reversed,
and Jairus' dead daughter rising up from the dead and
a very sick woman touching His Hem and being healed.
And at that same moment,they were burying a headless John the Baptistwhile his mother Elizabeth grieved for the loss of her son.

Matthew 7:13 so lingers with me through life. We read it this week: "Enter through the narrow gate…small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Only a few find it. Only a few find life. What does it take to be that few? I don’t want to miss God in my life. I’m looking for that narrow road where it’s not about saying and doing the right things but it’s all about being with HIM, no matter what. No matter if he heals my sickness or not; raises my dead or not; rescues me from my prison or not. What HE has called us to is impossible—it's just not possible to love our enemies, to take the log out of my own eye. But HE can and can make me want to. Where’s that narrow road that leads to life? I think a lot of Christians think they are on that narrow road---and they are really living for this world and for themselves. How tragic if we spend our lives and miss it. But, all I can do is deal with fray of my own heart on my narrow road---and it's not a road paved with success and numbers and performance. No, it's a single surreal road of suffering, silence, and surrender in the Presence of Holy, Almighty God.

"Out of the abundance of whatever is in our heart, our mouth speaks." Luke 6:45. Pay close attention what comes out of your mouth. Let your sin surprise you and take the log out of your own eye. Luke 6:42. I’m speaking to myself.

Jesus said to the Roman soldier in John 4:48, do you want signs and miracles so you can believe? Or do we just take Him at His Word? “Blessed is the one who is not offended by Me.” Matthew 11:6. And whatever our beautiful God chooses to do or not do. John was in prison and sent word to Jesus—”Are you the One?” Wonder if John held hope that Jesus would free him from the prison bars because, after all was said and done, John was there for the cause of Jesus and His mission. I can’t help but think that John had to entertain thoughts that Jesus would free him. Jesus answered John: “What you hear (about ME) and see—the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them.” It’s all true John, says Jesus. I am the ONE. And blessed is the One who is not offended by me and what I am about to do for you. Jesus didn’t free John from the prison. He didn’t rescue John. John was beheaded, his head on a platter at the request of a vicious seductive woman.

And what did Jesus say of John? Matthew 11:11 “Among those born of women, there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist.” I make decisions so pitifully by observation of what I see. Jesus loves me if life happens this way. If not, I am not loved. Did Jesus love John? Oh my! I don’t want to maneuver through life trying to make it work and find happiness. I want to lose my life for the sake of Christ, no matter what! So what does that mean for me this morning? Am I offended by what Christ is doing or not doing for me on that narrow path. How am I interpreting my life circumstances?In the parable of the sower in Matt 13:15, I think that I sometimes read the Bible thinking that if I do this, then God will do this. But the context of this story is John in prison asking Jesus if He was the one and the will of God was to leave John in prison—-YET John could be free even in prison, couldn’t he? Our circumstances working out do not make us free. It’s what is in our heart. “For this people’s heart has become calloused;they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes." I need to humble myself today and deal with my heart. So how do I do that? God just brought to my mind something to do, something to believe. I will. Otherwise, I might not see with my eyes cause all my eyes see is that things aren't coming together well. Otherwise, I might not hear with my ears cause what my ears here is that I am not doing the right things. Otherwise I might not understand with my heart so I’ll go find the will of my beautiful LORD for this day. I probably am not making sense but I’m struggling through this chapter on a narrow road, and trying to lay it before Him Who is Unseen on this narrow road.

It so grabs me that Jesus explained the parables privately to his disciples. Wonder what He is explaining to us privately in our own lives—are we listening? Am I lifting my hand to touch the hem of His garment? I'm invited this day to touch the hem on this narrow road. I am not alone. Mark 5:36 has lingered with me over decades. It’s one of those verses I think about constantly on the narrow road. He has brought me through much. Mark 5:36 says: "Only believe." Translated: Keep on Believing. It’s progressive tense. Not just for one time. Jairus knew his daughter was dead. He had to walk with Jesus to his home—it was a journey that would take longer than a day. Wonder what Jesus told him as they walked. We think of things happening instantly in time but this miracle happened a couple of days after she died. Some of you know the desperation you face when your children die. I was pregnant with a child and had to check myself into a hospital for them to take my baby’s life or we would both die. You could have heard my heaving crying as I sat alone in the ER waiting room while people stared at me. When I got to my hospital bed, I smoothed out the sheets and prayed to my beautiful God that He sit in that bed with me and help me face my unwanted sorrow, my incredible loss, cause the pain was unbearable for me. My God was there but He didn't take away my sorrows---He helped me enter them. This father in this story trusted blindly wildly humbly in abandonment. As we face our circumstances, may we find the courage to live out God’s will on the narrow path He has us on, not our own will.

And I will end with John 5:39 ---so powerful. I think there are many who believe that if you study the Word of God, you will have life. The verse says: “You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.” We have to go to God Himself, the Living Word! Matthew 10:38 - Anyone who loves his father or mother or son or daughter more than Me as he walks on his narrow road is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” I wonder if too many people today are trying to find their life on a narrow road. The only way we will find life of that narrow road is to lose our lives for His Sake. So what does that look like in your life today?

Randomness

* Still hobbling around. Think I may have plantar fasciitis. It's called flip flop fasciitis. I've had to retire the sandals. I so miss walking/jogging. Some days I can barely hobble.

* Went to hear Chris's band at Gateway. Oh my goodness. I was the only one there taking notes from a band while tears streamed down. They sang this Switchfoot song that so stirred my heart! "Meant to Live for So Much More." I have so been thinking about that lately that there is so much more.

* If you dropped by for Monday Morning Cover to Cover, I have moved it to:
http://covertocoverchronologically.blogspot.com
Come on over and visit us there. There are 20 of us who are reading the New Testament chronologically together. You are always welcome to join us at any time. I won't be posting cover to cover here anymore but you can find us
DAILY at http://engagethejourney08.wordpress.com/ and every
MONDAY at http://covertocoverchronologically.blogspot.com

* A new friend took me to lunch. The Oasis. If you ever visit here, that's where I am taking you. It's the sunset capital of Texas. The waitstaff applaud at sunset. Wonder if they know Who they are applauding. It's spectacular sunsets like in a Mediterranean setting over Lake Travis.

* Our renter in Fort Worth bailed on us---wasn't what he wanted. So there we stood last Saturday with Macy, our dog, home alone in an empty house. Bob made a quick run to pick her up and brought her here to Austin. Our pastor's family babysat her for this week---is that unbelievable that they did that or what??? We cannot have animals where we live. She is back home with Barrett today who flies in from France

* Speaking of Barrett...my son is home from his long stay in France and this mom is so happy he's here in Texas. He's actually been at a race in China so we're so glad to have him back. Hop on a train and come visit us!!! Hint hint hint....

* Our finances kind of dipped this past week with all our start up stuff and I still had no job. So, here comes in the mail a huge check from a past employer and another huge check from an unexpected friend. I was so humbled by our good sovereign God. I read yesterday in Matthew 6 that life is not about blessings and money but it's all about putting first things first.

* I have a job!!! Oh, I am so very grateful! It has been six weeks of waiting. Finally was approved on Friday to work for the Austin ISD as a substitute teacher. I start tomorrow. Thought I could work like right away when I got here so that has set us back. No surprise to God---He provided in another way and taught me much along that way.

* The move here has probably been a little harder on me than my boys. Bob goes to his church every day surrounded by staff and people. Britt is at a great school that he loves and has made many "besties." I've been at home for the past six weeks and it's harder to meet people. I do already have precious friends but a lot is so unfamiliar to me. But God has been so very real to me in all of this. So grateful for His Presence. As I glance back on what I left behind and the loss is real, I can't help but see the beautiful peace that God has brought to me and is bringing to me. A rendezvous with rest that I've not known. A little bit of a shift is happening over here! Only God can do that!

Monday Morning Cover to Cover.....the Lord is my Keeper - Psalm 121:5 and my feet are standing - Psa 122:2 so look til He Has Mercy on Me Psa 123:2

This will be my last post for Cover to Cover on this blog. I am MOVING Cover to Cover Monday Morning New Testament readings to another blog. I’m moving Cover to Cover to: http://covertocoverchronologically.blogspot.com/ You can also access it through my profile.

We finished reading the Old Testament this week. Nine months of lingering in the Word of God that changed our lives. It is not the word that changed our lives, it is the Person behind the words Who changed us all---The Living Word!. The psalmist wrote that His Word was like oxygen to us; like a hammer that broke our rocks to pieces; like a healing balm; and like melting snow melting our hearts. He sent His Word to us and healed us because we are greatly loved (Daniel 9:23). And, His Seal is on it. What a privilege to have journeyed with those of you who blogged on Monday mornings. You have no idea how much your comments have brought God to me! I cannot thank you enough for the challenge and encouragement of reading through the Old Testament chronologically with me. Please share with us for the last time on our journey through the OT, what lingers with you from this week.

If one word lingers with me from this week’s chronological readings, it is KEEPER. Psalm 121:5. “The LORD is your Keeper.” HE keeps me together when I have weeks like the one I’ve had. HE keeps me from all evil though HE allows some. HE keeps my life. HE keeps my going out and my coming back in. When I feel so lost, I can know, there is Someone Who is not sleeping tonight. He’s wide awake keeping my life. That so speaks to my moment. Psalm 122:2 – MY FEET ARE STANDING all because of my Keeper. Only HE could have done that from whence I came! Psalm 123:2 – So my eyes look to the LORD til HE has mercy on us. HAVE MERCY on me, o My God!

I went through a severe depression a couple of years ago and could not even stand up physically for a few weeks. But my beautiful God intervened and literally stood me up again. One verse He spoke to me through was: Psalm 147:10-11----His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. It’s not about how strong I am; it’s all about how strong HE is in me. The joy of the LORD is my strength. Neh 8:10. You could hear the sound of their rejoicing for miles away, they had such great joy – Neh 12:43. Wonder what sound comes from my life? God is not committed to our comfort; He is so committed to our deep joy in HIM.

Another verse in our chronological readings this week was one I remember well from a day of desperation about 15 years ago---I was freaking out over life, came to God, and randomly opened the Bible to that unknown verse…. Joel 2:12-13 “Return to me with all your heart…REND YOUR HEART, not your garment.” Don’t pull your hair out of your head, Bev. Live broken before ME and deal with the fray of your own heart. Who knows? He may turn and have pity. But, how I LOVE my Lord’s answer: I am sending you enough to satisfy you fully. I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—my great army that I sent among you Joel 2:25. That so makes me think of Job and how God restored what His great Army took away. Yes, the day of the LORD is coming and I so want to live this day like it is. So what needs to go? Something has ruled my heart more than the Love of my God this week. I’m seeing it for what it is…and laying it down.

And our OT readings end in the Book of Malachi. “Guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with your wife.” Mal. 2:16 You have not set your hearts to honor your God. The LORD is listening and hears you as you talk with each other. A scroll of remembrance is being written in His Presence--- Mal. 3:16.

And so the OT closes with a prophecy: “The Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in its Wings.” Mal. 4:1. It will be 400 years of silence after these inspired words fell on open ears. Waiting for the Sun.

If you would like to be a part of reading the New Testament chronologically with us, join us daily at Engage The Journey starting Sunday September 28th and ending December 31st. Come visit the blogsite at http://engagethejourney08.wordpress.com/ and take a look. You can blog daily with this online community and read or listen to the daily readings online. You don't even have to comment---we just want you to be in the Word with us if you are available. The blog has been a powerful tool to connect with our beautiful God Who is bending low to each of you. Then, on Monday mornings, you can weekly share one or two thoughts that LINGER with you from your readings on my new blog http://covertocoverchronologically.blogspot.com/ I’ll still be here with my “take” on life on this personal blog so I’m not moving, just Cover to Cover on Monday mornings is moving to another blog.

Please e-mail me (sixbrandons(at)sbcglobal.net) if you would like to participate in the chronological NT readings. Go to http://engagethejourney18.wordpress.com/ and take a look. This is not an accountability group. It is an invitation to read the Word together and ask God to show you what lingers in your heart. Malachi 4:1---surely the day of the LORD is coming and the Sun of Righteousness is so rising on you with healing!

Let me hear from you! Call or e-mail (cell numbers are listed at the bottom of my e-mails) with any questions. I’ve made this post way-too-long. I so want you to be in the Word of God and if this is for you, let me know.

Those of you who have journeyed through the Old Testament chronological readings, leave a comment here and tell us what it has meant to you. We are servants for the knowledge of the Truth which leads to godliness, changed lives---Titus 1:1-3. You are not the same person you were when you started nine months ago!

Rendezvous with Rest

Came over a hill and it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen in my few weeks in Austin. Spectacular! How can you not believe when you witness God's hand writing on the heavens. I gasped. Nature so stirs something so deep in me these days. As if God were saying, just for you and all the Austinites.

One of my favorite things in my short repertoire in town is walking Town Lake's 3-mile jaunt. The first time I went with a friend, I asked her if they were having a race that Monday morni